The Rap Music Conspiracy

Rapper Shows Off His Two Affordable and Practical Vehicles on ‘MTV Cribs’

MTV abruptly halted filming of the latest episode of “Cribs” yesterday, and plans to scrap the entire segment that featured a tour of platinum-selling rapper P-Krunk’s mansion in suburban Atlanta.

Producers said the show was going well until they were led outside to check out his fleet of presumably tricked-out rides. “We were shocked, and dare I say appalled, when P-Krunk opened up his garage door and exposed two non-customized, frequently driven vehicles showing a bit of wear and tear: a 1998 Ford Windstar minivan and a 2005 Toyota Corolla.”

Unfazed by the producers’ grimaces and gasps of disappointment and confusion, P-Krunk began a detailed tour and description of his average autos.

“Check it dawg, my minivan is mad sensible. It gets crazy gas mileage and it’s hella roomy, yo. I’m big pimpin’ when I load up my shorties and my crew and we kick it at the Mickey D’s drive-thru,” said the married, 28-year-old father of two. “Gotsta have the removable back seat too, so me and my boo can be loading up bags of garden mulch and manure at Home Depot.”

The rapper carefully wiped down the exterior of his minivan — gently cleaning some dirt off the “My Child Is an Honor Student at Peach Tree Prep” bumper sticker — with a chamois and moved on to his “main ride.”

“You feeling my Corolla?” P-Krunk queried as he relaxed in the cloth-covered driver’s seat of the moderately priced, four-door, gray family sedan and played with the small plastic knobs of his factory-installed AM/FM radio with cassette and single CD player. “I like my B.Seigs & Freeway playing at a low, pleasant volume so I can pay attention to the roadeezy fo’ sheezy.” The bass was definitely not humping his face as the tinny hip-hop songs barely trickled out of the two standard three-inch speakers mounted in the gray plastic dashboard.

When a cameraman pointed out that the car was missing a hubcap, the rapper laughed and said, “No big thang, nothing a twenty-spot can’t fix down at the junk yard.”

Asked if he plans on buying more expensive performance cars or a giant Hummer like many of his newly rich contemporaries in the near future, P-Krunk quickly responded, “Ten grand for rims? No my brother, this baller is hanging on to his paper. I don’t need to be rollin’ on dubs to represent and I sho’ as shizzle don’t plan on being a broke-ass bitch this time next year. Who do I look like, Hammer?”

“Cribs” segment producer Jonah Rothelsberg explained the reasoning behind shelving the show. “I appreciate P-Krunk’s unique taste, but we have a responsibility to our young viewers and advertisers to show the real lifestyles that are true to the artist’s genre of music. A rapper who doesn’t capriciously spend all his money on cars and 100-inch plasmas is an anomaly that strains credibility. Our viewers would think we made this up or were trying to punk them.” Rothelsberg cleared his throat and continued with a grin in a fake urban patois, “Sorry playa, my homies just ain’t havin’ it.”