PUBLIC OPINION > Certain States Should Secede (If They Want)

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving. We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Ohio, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.


38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

Dear Blue States:

We received your letter.

I'm sorry to say that about half your populations are going to relocate to the Red States. These include most CEO's, CFO's, entrepreneurs, venture capitalists, the high-tech industry and pretty much everyone in the top 5%. We're taking all of their federal tax revenues with us.

Since the large businesses and most successful small businesses are going to relocate, we are taking all their workers with us. This includes those who aspire to make their own way in life like Joe the Plumber, and the millions just like him.

We'll be advertising that any business left in Nuevo California who wants to pay lower business tax is welcome to immigrate to any of the Red States. Once everyone has moved over, we should have about 90% of the tax revenues.

You get the natural resources in Old California, we get Alaska, Texas and the Gulf Coast. That gives us 3/4 of the oil production and reserves.

You can keep Harvard and the rest of the Ivy League schools, but businesses in the Red States are going to recruit nearly all your graduates. The only charitable donations that will be tax deductible are donations made to Red State charities and schools. When we start new schools in the Red States we are going to recruit from your professors, but you can keep Ward Churchill, William Ayers, and Rashid Khalidi.

We promise 90-97% of our citizens will have jobs. 85% already have health insurance provided to them and for the rest we are going to give a tax credit to help them buy health insurance in any of the Red States. We are going to keep taxes low for everyone, and give some additional tax credits to those who need it. We will call them Red States, not slave states, because we respect everyone in all the states who want to remain with us.

We will continue to have great health care since most of the doctors are in that top 5%.

We will finish the war in Iraq because even those of us who disagree with the war know we have an obligation not to abandon a country we fully destabilized by starting a war there. Our military will continue to be voluntary, with even children of our highest elected officials defending life around the globe. We will continue to focus on security within the Red States, since we do not want another 9/11. We should be fine, I think most of the military will be okay relocating to the Red States. We will be closely watching your unconditional discussions Iran.

We won't publicly claim that women with children should stay at home with the kids rather than run for public office, and then turn around and say we believe in equal rights for both genders. We will champion all women, regardless of political viewpoint.

We won't force our kids to share their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, sharing will be encouraged but remain voluntary. We won't question the patriotism of those who don't want to pay 50% of their income in tax (federal, payroll, state, local, sales, etc.). We don't think anyone should have to pay 50%, that's too high.

We'll gladly let you keep the Democratic Leaders in Congress who want to increase spending through the roof. You can also keep Barney Frank, who just a few months ago said Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were financially sound, should take on more subprime loans and who fought against more oversight for these companies.

You can keep most of the media stations, we'll keep one. The irony is we'll get more balanced news on our one station than you'll get on all 7 of yours. We won't stand for top political officials cutting off access to reporters who ask tough questions or don't endorse them.

We will be willing to negotiate a trade agreement for pineapple and lettuce, since you will have lost so many jobs you'll probably agree. You can keep the beaches and the wine, we'll be too busy working hard and we'll find other ways to enjoy our success. The people who care about the good pot and expanding welfare for all will probably stay with you, good luck with that.

Thanks for making our job easier,
Red States