By now you've probably been made aware of the fact that there's a pretty damn big oil leak off the Gulf of Mexico killing everything that flies, swims or reproduces asexually every 36 hours. While BP and Halliburton both point fingers at each other, people around the globe have spent the bulk of the last week tutting about it and making a decent show of righteous indignation. But you know what? I'm glad. I'm glad this oil leak is spewing forth into the oceans. I've always hated wildlife, especially sea turtles. Those little bastards always looked smug to me. Not so smug are you now, huh, sea turtle?

Think about it, what have the oceans done for us lately anyway? What did the ocean ever do for you? Nothing. That's what. The ocean isn't going to pay your mandatory health insurance bill, it's not going to raise your children whilst you're busy yelling at strangers on the Internet, and to be quite frank, I'm pretty sure that the oceans are all communists anyway.

It makes perfect sense for governments to allow multinational corporations to suck what they can out of that useless blue mass that takes up most of the planet. The ocean has had millions of years to make something of itself, and what has it done? Just sat there and developed a plethora of flora and fauna the likes of which are most likely not repeated anywhere else in the Universe. We definitely have the right to destroy all of that so that we can drive petroleum powered cars for a few more years. It just makes sense.

Hippy peaceniks and their emissions trading schemes aside, its obvious that pillaging the planet is totally in vogue right now. The Brits have really hit a home run by slaughtering all marine life for miles around their rusted little oil dump, but if we want to find other international environmental trend-setters, we don't have to look far. For decades, Brazil, Bolivia, Peru and all those other dodgy South American countries have been whacking down the rain forest just as quickly as they can knock off lost tribes-people. (Who needs trees to convert C02 into Oxygen anyway? I'll get my Oxygen the proper way - through the power of prayer.)

Even in clean, green 'mayte, how are ya mayte', New Zealand, the government recently OK'd mining on conservation land nationwide. Down here the goldrush is on again, and anyone with the ability to blow up half a mountain of native forest can join the party. Who gives a damn about native wildlife not found anywhere else in the world when you can be digging lumps of shiny rock out of the ground? I freakin' love shiny lumps of rock!

At the moment, New Zealand is a tourist haven because of its unspoiled natural beauty. Some people complain that mining could destroy the country but don't worry if you haven't been able to make it to 'Middle Earth' yet. In 50 years time, you'll be able to come out in a special protective UV pod, enjoy the scarred and pitted landscape, and watch the last Prozac powered Kiwi-bird battle for survival as it forages amongst discarded condoms and abstinence education pamphlets.

Just kidding, we don't have abstinence education over here because nobody can keep a straight face long enough to tell kids that having sex isn't completely freakin' awesome. God, it is awesome.

And remember that sex is what got us into all of this trouble in the first place. Sex and our love of big cars and wide screen televisions. If we'd been content to sit in caves, hunt bison, and only reproduce when absolutely necessary, then Earth would still be a largely uncharted Eden.

Instead, we've multiplied to a tipping point of pure awesome and we're now see-sawing our population between sustainability and total catastrophic failure. It's okay though, because if we happen to lose this game of environmental Russian Roulette, it won't be the current generations in charge of the planet who suffer. It'll be our kids. It'll be our kids who'll have to deal with the food shortages. It'll be our kids who'll have to deal with the fact that you have to shank a guy to get clean water. It'll be our kids who die young from weird cancers because the food chain is irreparably contaminated with hormones and toxic chemicals.

Ha! In your face, kids! If you wanted clean air, water and food, you should have thought of that before you were born.