Obama, Boehner Come to Agreement That Cantor is Douche

Could Be First Step Toward Debt Deal

WASHINGTON – In what members of both parties are hailing as an important first step on the road to a deal on raising the debt ceiling, President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner today came to an agreement that Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) is a douche.



Mr. Obama and Rep. Boehner made the dramatic announcement in the East Room of the White House late Sunday afternoon.



“Speaker Boehner and I have come to an agreement that Eric Cantor is a douche,” the President said. “We’ll see if we can build on that.”

The breakthrough reportedly came Sunday morning, but both sides spent several hours hammering out the language before agreeing on the word “douche.”



“Boehner had been pushing hard for ‘d*ckwad,’” said a source familiar with the discussions. “He was concerned that using a like ‘douche’ could be alienating to his base because it’s French.

”

While skeptics cautioned that agreeing about the douchiness of Eric Cantor is still a long way from agreeing on raising the debt ceiling, a new poll shows that Messrs. Obama and Boehner have broad public support for their position on the congressman from Virginia.



According to a new poll of likely voters, 56 percent agreed that Mr. Cantor is a “douche,” 32 percent agreed that he is a “a**hat” and the remainder characterized him as a “d*ckhead,” “c*cksucker” or “motherf*cker.”



“With all the partisan bickering in Washington, the American people should rest assured that we all agree on one thing,” said Rep. Boehner. “And that is, Eric Cantor is one irritating mofo.

”

Elsewhere, in another poll released today, faced with a possible return of quarterback Brett Favre, most NFL fans would prefer a lockout.

The Borowitz Report