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My 34 year old son is an alcoholic. How can I help him to stop?

SABLE 2008/12/03 23:13:28
Leave him alone to work it out.
Continue to plead with him to seek help.
Suggest treatment facility for addiction.
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My son grew up in a Catholic family, went through public schools and worked as a auto mechanic for several years until his addiction to alcohol made him an entirely different person. Now he spends most of his evenings at a bar that serves cheap drinks and drinks until he's drunk. He was recently arrested for his second DWI and he backed into someone"s car and left the scene of an accident. He also roughed up the officers who arrested him. He needs help but states he doesn't. His girlfriend is also a drunk and a coke-head. Need suggestions from sodaheads who have an incite on the subject because I just don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.
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  • Foo Master Angie 2008/12/04 21:57:41
    Leave him alone to work it out.
    Foo Master Angie
    +8
    This is HIS problem to work out. I know that it hurts you to see someone you love going through this. But the MOST important thing is to not be an enabler. Don't go and pick him up. Don't give him money. Don't let him in the house if he's drunk. Don't allow any alcohol at family events that he does come to. If he calls you while he's drunk, tell him that you will not speak to him until he's sober, and hang up. Don't let him guilt you into doing anything.
    It's not going to be easy, and it's going to hurt - a lot. BUT, the biggest problem with any addict is that SOMEONE is an enabler, often just trying to do what's right, but it far skews the situation.

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  • Ganesh Chaubia 2011/09/16 13:11:10
  • myoma mars 2010/04/24 23:45:05
    None of the above
    myoma mars
    Do not enable him in anyway. Do not make suggestions to him and get to an alanon meeting so you can learn how to deal with it, while getting support.
  • SABLE myoma mars 2010/04/25 13:38:59
    SABLE
    We do not enable him. We did the first DWI but did not when he got the second one. He lives with a woman who just had his son and we thought he'd change but she also drinks and lets him go to the bar whenever he wants so she is enabling him. It's a sad disease and I pray every night that he will cure himself but it hasn't happened yet.
  • myoma mars SABLE 2010/04/25 23:33:09
    myoma mars
    In general they can not cure themselves and need to hit a bottom first, but like I said if you go to an alanon meeting they will not teach you how to help him, but teach you how to deal with it the best way. If you want to help him, go to a meeting so that your actions are what they need to be later.
  • SABLE myoma mars 2010/04/26 02:37:46
    SABLE
    Thank You. I live in the mountains of New Hampshire and haven't heard of any meetings around me but I'll certainly look into it. Did you have a similar crisis in your life?
  • myoma mars SABLE 2010/04/26 02:44:37
    myoma mars
    Somewhat, I cant really discuss it here.
  • SABLE myoma mars 2010/04/26 02:49:37
    SABLE
    That's ok. Thank you.
  • Caroline - fan of Audubon 2010/04/12 03:59:57 (edited)
    Suggest treatment facility for addiction.
    Caroline - fan of Audubon
    You could beg and plead until you are blue in the face and it gets you nowhere. There are different stages of alcoholism. I don't know how far he is into his addiction, but most hard core alcoholics do not voluntarily seek help. It may get to the point where he's had a number of DUI's that the judge determines a court order is necessary. An alcohol dependency treatment may either be conducted on an inpatient or outpatient basis. This determination will be based on a number of factors, including the severity of dependency, the individual's ability to function in everyday life, the court order and the patient's wishes.
  • SABLE Carolin... 2010/04/12 11:21:33
    SABLE
    I think he drinks to get recognition that he can drink so much. My son is an attention seeker and the people at the bar know him and love him and he gets the attention he wants there. He's just part of a family when he gets home to his son and a baby needs attention, doesn't give attention. I wish he would stop and I thought he had when his son was born last September, but I was wrong. He's now graduated from beer to the hard drinks. He just slips them into his Pepsi thinking we won't know.
  • Carolin... SABLE 2010/04/12 17:22:16
    Caroline - fan of Audubon
    I think some start out and continuing drinking because of the reasons you gave. I believe self esteem also plays a part in alcoholism. It's going to be hard breaking away from friends who like to over-drink. He needs to find friends who don't go to the bars, but then some heavy drinkers will find other ways to sneak them in. I have known alcoholics who have destroyed relationships, sounds dismal I know. Once he fully comprehends how much damage it can do to his own body and all the effect it has on every outside thing on his life, especially the bad influence to his son, then hopefully he will wise up. He needs to generate his mind onto other things to keep himself occupied, such as a hobby or even an on line college education. Some people take college courses simply because they enjoy learning new things.
  • SABLE Carolin... 2010/04/13 21:15:25
    SABLE
    +1
    I thought when he got his full time job and started making koney to take care of his son, things would change. But along with the new job came the return of the drinking friends and money to buy booze. It's so sad. My son's girlfriend is working double shifts and her friends and his sister are babysitting for her to get her through. She is also an alcoholic but is obviously better able to control herself. I'd like to take him over my knee but he's now 36 and very big. Thanks you for your kindness. I really appreciate it.
  • Carolin... SABLE 2010/04/13 22:05:40
    Caroline - fan of Audubon
    I noticed my bad grammar on the previous comment, but I am sure you got the drift of what I was saying. You mention your son's girlfriend has a drinking problem. It could be she is drinking to make herself feel better. They are both in need of counseling. This is going to be a long road for you and for them. I surely hope they will see the damage they are creating. In the meantime you are the grandma who can be there for your grandson. I wish you all the best.
  • SABLE Carolin... 2010/04/14 11:15:35 (edited)
    SABLE
    Thank you for caring. My grandson is my first priority and I keep him frequently over the weekends to give her a chance to rest and them to talk. His girlfriend does take good care of her son. She had a real drinking problem before he was born but now drinks in moderation and never when she is taking care of my grandson. My son was doing well but fell off the wagon and started revisiting the American Legion with his friends and he's not even a vet. But they love him there because he use to be their bouncer. He's the one losing out. He's also a mechanic who is very good with cars and he used to help his family when we had problems with our cars but now he says we take advantage of him so we don't go to him anymore and he doesn't do anything with his family anymore because the last time we were together he was drunk and his father was upset with him. So now he doesn't speak to anyone of us. Sad, very sad. It's such a crippling disease. Thanks again for caring.
  • janet SABLE 2010/04/25 12:50:25
    janet
    That is right, it is a disease and religion is not a cure, but here in texas most people believe addicts are possessed by the devil.
  • Bellicosepunk 2010/04/12 01:39:59
    None of the above
    Bellicosepunk
    I know we have a disagreement in an area of thought but I was wondering if this is something you and your family still struggle with.
  • SABLE Bellico... 2010/04/12 11:17:53
    SABLE
    I am struggling with it because he has a child who needs him now and he won't seek help. When the baby was born, we thought he was getting better. But lately, he's back to drinking every day and falls asleep while caring for his son.
  • Bellico... SABLE 2010/04/13 07:07:42
    Bellicosepunk
    I can tell you from experience that you should step in and take that child. If someone hadn't done that for my daughter I hate to think what she would be like now. Unfortunately you're just going to have to let him hit bottom for him to get the willingness it is going to take for him to get sober and remain sober.
  • SABLE Bellico... 2010/04/13 21:18:30
    SABLE
    His girlfriend is still with his son and she is working hard to keep things normal until he finds his way back. She has friends and my daughter who help take care of her son while she's at work. Her door is open, all he has to do is come home. He's just being stupid right now. Doesn't want responsibility and always needs a pat on the back for his every efforts. He's also going to court appointed counseling. Guess he's got that counselor fooled.
  • Bellico... SABLE 2010/04/14 00:42:34
    Bellicosepunk
    It took me 15 years to get it. Maybe my slide was quicker because I stopped alcohol because I still cared too much when I drank. On to bigger, more degrading things. I remember my dad pleading for me to come back to Michigan and enter a rehab that he found and I made every excuse for why I could not do it. Since getting sober my dad has told me about how he would often cry at night out of worry and frustration. My dad doesn't cry. I never realized until then what I was doing to my family. As far as the counselor goes he probably does have them fooled. Addicts and alcoholics are very skillful liars and manipulators. We have to be. Just stay strong and check out an alanon meeting if you haven't already. That and pray is all you can do for him until he decides to do something for himself!
  • SABLE Bellico... 2010/04/14 11:22:56 (edited)
    SABLE
    I do pray, Bellico. I have been praying for 10 years now. I know God is listening and has His own plan for my son. I just hope he doesn't die of Cirrhosis before he gets it. I've cried alot too, I know how your Dad felt. I can only hope that my son finds his way out like you did. He's going to miss the little things that his son is doing and learning. Thank you so much for caring. I do appreciate your input and you sharing your life with me. It really helps. PS: my grandson's mom also comes from Michigan. The northern part.
  • Bellico... SABLE 2010/04/15 02:33:21
    Bellicosepunk
    +1
    Anytime. I definitely missed out on the first 11 years of my daughters life and really see how much I missed out on through my son who is now 1 and a half. I lived all over Michigan but was living in Manistee before moving to what I like to refer to as heaven and hell. Heaven in the winter and absolute hell in the winter!
  • janet Bellico... 2010/04/25 12:54:54
    janet
    +1
    Hit bottom, is a cop out. We need to support research on a real cure and prevention. Hit bottom is to say let them die and hope they don't take any one else with them. Dr. Phil does not know everything, but he thinks he does.
  • Bellico... janet 2010/04/26 18:56:27
    Bellicosepunk
    +1
    As an addict it is not a cop out, it's a reality. Many suffer as a result of the things I did and I am one of the lucky ones who made it out. Of course there needs to be research, but until that magical day when a cure comes the only honest advice that can be given to someone going through this is to let them hit bottom. Some will die yes. I can't even count the numbers of those who I have known who have died, but it is a reality. Please wake up and don't ever relate me to Dr. Phil ever again!
  • janet Bellico... 2010/04/28 13:58:50
    janet
    +1
    Sorry about the Dr Phil thing, but he does spout the "let them hit bottom" advice all the time. Maybe rock bottom for an enabler is being willing to let their child die. Hell of a choice, we can send a man to the moon, surely we can find a way to stop all this pain.
  • Bellico... janet 2010/04/29 08:00:17
    Bellicosepunk
    +1
    You would think we could. Believe me I hope we do. Maybe if we stopped putting as much money into prisons and put it into rehabilitation and research for a cure it would happen. Unfortunately that is not the way our country thinks.
  • Dan 2009/05/28 21:21:11
    None of the above
    Dan
    As a former alcoholic, I'd like to share some personal insight into this for you. I come from a family possessed with various addictions.
    I was an alcoholic (like my dad) from the age of 16 to 36 (when I stopped). I always drank and always seemed to be surrounded by those who did, unfortunately.
    I tried drinking my troubles away - it only made more troubles for me.
    I drank because of harsh financial conditions - ignorant to the fact that I was wasting money on alcohol at the time.
    I drank after having an affair on my first wife because of the guilt. I tried drowning myself in Monterey Bay (California) by swimming away from the shore at night. I awoke the next morning washed up on the slimy rocks instead.
    My current wife pleaded with me for years to quit drinking, but I couldn't by myself and I wouldn't listen to ANYONE. But, my wife prayed for me.
    In 2001, I awoke at 3:00 a.m. on a cold hard floor near North Korea, along the DMZ, in my Army barracks. I passed out, face-down in a puddle of my own alcohol-filled vomit. I awoke (in an empty room) to a deep voice asking "What are you doing with your life?" I looked around and nobody was there.
    When I looked into the mirror at my face covered in slop, it was THAT moment that I just knew I had to quit drinking. It ended for me at that mo...'
    ''
    As a former alcoholic, I'd like to share some personal insight into this for you. I come from a family possessed with various addictions.
    I was an alcoholic (like my dad) from the age of 16 to 36 (when I stopped). I always drank and always seemed to be surrounded by those who did, unfortunately.
    I tried drinking my troubles away - it only made more troubles for me.
    I drank because of harsh financial conditions - ignorant to the fact that I was wasting money on alcohol at the time.
    I drank after having an affair on my first wife because of the guilt. I tried drowning myself in Monterey Bay (California) by swimming away from the shore at night. I awoke the next morning washed up on the slimy rocks instead.
    My current wife pleaded with me for years to quit drinking, but I couldn't by myself and I wouldn't listen to ANYONE. But, my wife prayed for me.
    In 2001, I awoke at 3:00 a.m. on a cold hard floor near North Korea, along the DMZ, in my Army barracks. I passed out, face-down in a puddle of my own alcohol-filled vomit. I awoke (in an empty room) to a deep voice asking "What are you doing with your life?" I looked around and nobody was there.
    When I looked into the mirror at my face covered in slop, it was THAT moment that I just knew I had to quit drinking. It ended for me at that moment and I gave my life to Jesus Christ instead. No man, woman, or guilt could help me stop, but God finally responded to my wife's prayers.
    Pray for your son, in the authority of Jesus Christ. Ask those few reliable people in your life (we all have some) to pray for your son with you. It IS in God's hands and sometimes, stubborn jackasses (like me) need God's intervention. I will pray for your son before I submit this answer.
    (more)
  • SABLE Dan 2009/05/29 22:54:29
    SABLE
    I pray for my son every night and I have for the 10 years he has been developing this problem. For him, drinking makes him feel like a bigger man. Young guys are in awe of how much he can drink. What these "young guys" didn't see is the broken and different man that booze made my son. He's had 2 DWIs, lost his mechanics job which he was excellent at, he shakes like he's having withdrawals, he married a Harley Davidson "Babe" and found her sleeping around. His divorce was a bad one. He drowned himself in more booze and has lost all his good friends. My prayers after all this time have begun to be answered. He started dating a woman a year ago who he has known from the bar. She also is an alcoholic and has done drugs. Not exactly what I think he needs, but unfortunately she got pregnant. She's 36 and was still drinking and smoking during the first trimester. The Doctor has warned her against her habits if she wants a healthy baby. This has changed my son. The idea of becoming a father seems to have broken the alcoholic in him. He still has a beer a night but doesn't drink until he falls down. He's even trying to quit cigarettes. My problem is this, she's been known as "the town pump". I wonder if the baby is his. But I keep that to myself because it seems to be helping him. So I continue to ...''''""''
    I pray for my son every night and I have for the 10 years he has been developing this problem. For him, drinking makes him feel like a bigger man. Young guys are in awe of how much he can drink. What these "young guys" didn't see is the broken and different man that booze made my son. He's had 2 DWIs, lost his mechanics job which he was excellent at, he shakes like he's having withdrawals, he married a Harley Davidson "Babe" and found her sleeping around. His divorce was a bad one. He drowned himself in more booze and has lost all his good friends. My prayers after all this time have begun to be answered. He started dating a woman a year ago who he has known from the bar. She also is an alcoholic and has done drugs. Not exactly what I think he needs, but unfortunately she got pregnant. She's 36 and was still drinking and smoking during the first trimester. The Doctor has warned her against her habits if she wants a healthy baby. This has changed my son. The idea of becoming a father seems to have broken the alcoholic in him. He still has a beer a night but doesn't drink until he falls down. He's even trying to quit cigarettes. My problem is this, she's been known as "the town pump". I wonder if the baby is his. But I keep that to myself because it seems to be helping him. So I continue to pray, and now I've included little Nathan, so he will be born healthy. Jesus is an important part of everyone's lives but some people just don't believe. I'm so glad he was there for you. Another SH member, moorbrt1 "in God" was also helped by God. He stopped because God told him to. I believe in miracles and I'm waiting for my son's. God Bless and keep you healthy and safe.
    (more)
  • janet Dan 2010/04/28 14:00:48
    janet
    Awsome, If you have children I hope you talk to them about genetics before they are in junior high.
  • XxShatterd SanityxX 2009/05/14 22:54:10
    Suggest treatment facility for addiction.
    XxShatterd SanityxX
    +1
    well i think u should seek help for ur son u raised him and 34 or not hes still ur son..
  • SABLE XxShatt... 2009/05/15 00:13:33
    SABLE
    Thanks Apparatuis. He found out he's about to be a father and he's gone for help on his own.He's now going to a counselor and I hope he listened to this one. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate all I can get.
  • XxShatt... SABLE 2009/05/15 00:16:17
    XxShatterd SanityxX
    +1
    LOL well then he got the message good luck to u and ur son!oh yea ur welcome!!
  • john 2009/03/05 00:28:07
    Suggest treatment facility for addiction.
    john
    My name is Wayne & I am an alcoholic in recovery coming up on 22
    years in October by the grace of God & I can truly say I feel both you
    and your sons pain.Its a powerful disease for sure' its cunning' baffling
    and powerful and most of all its patient.You can tell an alcoholic but'
    you can't tell him much' when the student is ready the teacher will
    appear.I'm sure you've heard these cliches from time to time.Alcoholics
    have always had a bad case of the I know whats good for me after all
    it was me that got myself into this mess lol.I owe my life to the good
    people of AA who cared so much about more about me than I ever
    cared about myself & I too in the beginning felt like your son that I
    didn't need these people & all there smiling faces were fake & I truly
    know that was my disease talking after all it is the disease of denial.I
    didn't get sober right away it took me another bout after 6 months
    of sobriety of going out and convincing myself that I am an alcoholic.
    My father stopped drinking the last 15 years of his life and I was told
    by my sister the reason he did was to try and set an example for me
    to stop only I didn't get it at the time I did stop and for the first time
    in my life we were both sober talking to one another and I must say
    it was truly a different but beautiful feeling.I re...
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    My name is Wayne & I am an alcoholic in recovery coming up on 22
    years in October by the grace of God & I can truly say I feel both you
    and your sons pain.Its a powerful disease for sure' its cunning' baffling
    and powerful and most of all its patient.You can tell an alcoholic but'
    you can't tell him much' when the student is ready the teacher will
    appear.I'm sure you've heard these cliches from time to time.Alcoholics
    have always had a bad case of the I know whats good for me after all
    it was me that got myself into this mess lol.I owe my life to the good
    people of AA who cared so much about more about me than I ever
    cared about myself & I too in the beginning felt like your son that I
    didn't need these people & all there smiling faces were fake & I truly
    know that was my disease talking after all it is the disease of denial.I
    didn't get sober right away it took me another bout after 6 months
    of sobriety of going out and convincing myself that I am an alcoholic.
    My father stopped drinking the last 15 years of his life and I was told
    by my sister the reason he did was to try and set an example for me
    to stop only I didn't get it at the time I did stop and for the first time
    in my life we were both sober talking to one another and I must say
    it was truly a different but beautiful feeling.I remember my Dad asked
    me what do they teach you in there (AA) do they brain wash you &
    I told him well my thinking has changed so I guess it was a healthy
    brain wash lol.I told my Dad that alcoholism affects all different groups of people rich' poor' black or white and then I told him it even affects
    clergy as I explained to him I went sailing with a Catholic Priest in
    recovery.He replied really! I said yes its true because he was kind
    of taken off guard that it was a Catholic Priest.I told him Dad just
    because he is a man of faith doesn't exclude him because faith with
    out works is dead.Another words alcoholics must admit their power
    lessness over alcohol & their faith in a power greater than themselves
    on a daily basis.My Dad didn't go to AA when he stopped so he didn't
    really learn that you can actually have fun in sobriety.Please never
    give up hope for your son I agree he must want to get sober but you
    can certainly be there for him to help him along when hes serious.I'm
    going through somewhat that type of scenario right now with one of
    my brothers who stopped drinking for 19 years cold turkey from threats from his former wife that she would file for divorce & take the kids well as soon as the kids were older he started back & still drinks
    today and the kids now are both married and have children & my
    brother now for the first time is expressing his desire that he wants
    to stop drinking.I am well aware I cannot get my brother sober but I
    most certainly can be there to help him along.There is truly no greater
    love than one alcoholic helping another alcoholic it is truly rewarding
    & heartfelt.I have had people ask me about my alcoholism if its ok to
    talk about it' being it is anonymous I tell them certainly I'm grateful to
    be an alcoholic in recovery because there is no shame in being an
    alcoholic in recovery the shame is not accepting it & the help that
    comes along with the acceptance.I am truly grateful to God for
    relieving the mental obsession followed by the physical dependence
    of this disease on my body & soul for it has allowed me the freedom
    to be myself.
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  • SABLE john 2009/03/06 01:12:14
    SABLE
    I am so glad for you and wish only the best for your brother. I was beginning to believe that nothing was going to stop my son's downfall. He refused therapy and thought AA was a joke. He got his second DWI, then backed into a car and left the scene, he fought the police when he was arrested and then he had a bar brawl and was arrested again. I was ready to jump off a cliff. But, my prayers have finally started to get answered. He announced to us that his girlfriend is pregnant. When I asked him if he was sure it was his, he lost it on me. The f--- word came out easily. I asked that because they had had a fight and had been away from each other for 2 months. I refused to answer his texes or his phone calls and my grandson reamed him out for swearing at me. So we stayed away for awhile and his younger sister took over giving him hell for his way of approaching his problems. As if an angel was finally helping him, the judge ordered him into counseling which he will be starting soon. But, the fact that he saw his baby's ultrasound the other day has helped him see the light and see what drinking is doing to him. His girlfriend already started her cold turkey of booze but he was still meeting friends at the bar. He went to the hospital, saw the baby and now wants to dry up. He's staye...'
    I am so glad for you and wish only the best for your brother. I was beginning to believe that nothing was going to stop my son's downfall. He refused therapy and thought AA was a joke. He got his second DWI, then backed into a car and left the scene, he fought the police when he was arrested and then he had a bar brawl and was arrested again. I was ready to jump off a cliff. But, my prayers have finally started to get answered. He announced to us that his girlfriend is pregnant. When I asked him if he was sure it was his, he lost it on me. The f--- word came out easily. I asked that because they had had a fight and had been away from each other for 2 months. I refused to answer his texes or his phone calls and my grandson reamed him out for swearing at me. So we stayed away for awhile and his younger sister took over giving him hell for his way of approaching his problems. As if an angel was finally helping him, the judge ordered him into counseling which he will be starting soon. But, the fact that he saw his baby's ultrasound the other day has helped him see the light and see what drinking is doing to him. His girlfriend already started her cold turkey of booze but he was still meeting friends at the bar. He went to the hospital, saw the baby and now wants to dry up. He's stayed sober for 2 months now having an occasional beer and he talks more intelligently now. He wants help, he wants his family back and he wants to plan on being a good Dad. I wish he would reach out to God as well but one step at a time. I know we can just do so much, he has to figure the rest out himself. He sounds more positive now, he's even taking a shower every day instead of monthly. I want to thank you for telling me about yourself and your family. I feel less alone. My prayers for your continued sobriety and my prayers that your brother will return to his. God Bless You and Yours. Peace
    (more)
  • john SABLE 2009/03/06 02:53:24
    john
    Sable first & foremost if indeed he is an alcoholic the only thing he truly needs to
    do if hes serious about recovery is to accept it in his heart & everything else will
    eventually fall into place.His sobriety must come first or all the other things will
    mean nothing eventually if his sobriety is not the priority.I'd truly like to thank you
    for you prayers for my brother & I they are truly appreciated and are heartfelt I
    can assure you that.I will keep your FAMILY' your son' his girlfriend' and her child
    on the way in my prayers as well.I sincerely wish your son the best in his road to
    recovery its not easy but' it truly is rewarding my FRIEND.Thank you for your
    reply.
  • prinzessin SABLE 2009/03/07 08:48:39
    prinzessin
    Hallo Sable. I am glad your son finally made contact with you. What is happening is the start of enlightenment, but do be prepared for multiple "starts". Some people aren't able to maintain and have to start all over again, some have to start over multiple times. Being sent to counseling is the best thing that anyone could have done for your son. Medical records are confidential so your son need not fear that "someone will find out" what he said in a professional setting. From context I ascertain the f---word isn't part of your daily language. I tell my friends if they ever hear me say it, they can safely assume all hell is breaking loose and my normally patient self has had enough of whatever alltogether. It just broke on that stone that was cast at me. Alcoholics constantly try to justify their behaviour. Any negativity from you will be seen as "Getting on his case" and he will rebel by drinking. If you don't own a Bible, buy one. If you feel like tearing into your son or begin to get negative obsessions, pick up that book, one with the old Testament in it. It will help you shift your focus and not eat yourself up over something you have no control over. He being the age of 34, you have no right to control your son nor should you want to. It's been long since I wrote my thesis on "The ..."""'
    Hallo Sable. I am glad your son finally made contact with you. What is happening is the start of enlightenment, but do be prepared for multiple "starts". Some people aren't able to maintain and have to start all over again, some have to start over multiple times. Being sent to counseling is the best thing that anyone could have done for your son. Medical records are confidential so your son need not fear that "someone will find out" what he said in a professional setting. From context I ascertain the f---word isn't part of your daily language. I tell my friends if they ever hear me say it, they can safely assume all hell is breaking loose and my normally patient self has had enough of whatever alltogether. It just broke on that stone that was cast at me. Alcoholics constantly try to justify their behaviour. Any negativity from you will be seen as "Getting on his case" and he will rebel by drinking. If you don't own a Bible, buy one. If you feel like tearing into your son or begin to get negative obsessions, pick up that book, one with the old Testament in it. It will help you shift your focus and not eat yourself up over something you have no control over. He being the age of 34, you have no right to control your son nor should you want to. It's been long since I wrote my thesis on "The Effects of an Alcoholic on the Spouse and Family", but somewhere in there I think there was "Let go and let God". Especially when you want to wring the man's neck.
    (more)
  • SABLE prinzessin 2009/05/10 07:37:43
    SABLE
    I have put him in God's hands. As the words of the song "Jesus take the wheel" say, my son is the wheel and I ask Jesus to take over his care because I no longer know what to do and I'm tired.
  • prinzessin 2009/02/28 00:59:02
    Undecided
    prinzessin
    Unfortunately, it is not a simple matter. If your son has a genetic link, the instant he takes his first drink, the cells in his liver begin to get holes in them, they mutate from the usual square dged oval we use to designate a cell into a "C" shape with elongated arms. His body begins to burn alcohol instead of food for fuel. He will feel unwell if he has not had his alcohol.Don't criticise, but also don't buy or pick up alcohol for him. If he lives with you insist he pay a fair portion of the bills. Make sure you have plenty of non-alcoholic beverages available at all times. Be open to conversation especially about what got him started drinking. Did he always, you just didn't notice because he was a "functioning" alcoholic? Is he in chronic pain of some kind, be that mental, emotional or physical? Is he having problems dealing with the behaviour of his drug-addicted girlfriend? Do you sit and drink with him? If you are, STOP. It gives him a sense of empowerment to continue to drink if you do it with him. He should see a doctor. There are new drugs on the market which can be started while the person is still drinking, whereas before the alcohol had to stop completely for a certain time period before using them. You can call Alcoholics Anonymous and join Al-A-Non (for members of the...'''''""'""

    Unfortunately, it is not a simple matter. If your son has a genetic link, the instant he takes his first drink, the cells in his liver begin to get holes in them, they mutate from the usual square dged oval we use to designate a cell into a "C" shape with elongated arms. His body begins to burn alcohol instead of food for fuel. He will feel unwell if he has not had his alcohol.Don't criticise, but also don't buy or pick up alcohol for him. If he lives with you insist he pay a fair portion of the bills. Make sure you have plenty of non-alcoholic beverages available at all times. Be open to conversation especially about what got him started drinking. Did he always, you just didn't notice because he was a "functioning" alcoholic? Is he in chronic pain of some kind, be that mental, emotional or physical? Is he having problems dealing with the behaviour of his drug-addicted girlfriend? Do you sit and drink with him? If you are, STOP. It gives him a sense of empowerment to continue to drink if you do it with him. He should see a doctor. There are new drugs on the market which can be started while the person is still drinking, whereas before the alcohol had to stop completely for a certain time period before using them. You can call Alcoholics Anonymous and join Al-A-Non (for members of the famiies of alcoholics), but that's not the right solution for everyone, just a very immediate one. A Doctor is the best place to start. I live in New Jersey. The law here does not allow for anyone to be forced into treatment against their own will because if they don't want to stop, they will not. Don't look at him or treat him like an alcoholic/possibly drug addict. Remember him as your son and what as your son he is - those things are still there, just pushed under from something along the way. Don't expect miracles. It's best if you can get him to go to a medical rehab center where he can get help with the withdrawal symptoms which can be severe if not counter-acted by the correct anti-spasmodic medication. It will tak approx. 3 weeks to break the addiction, but several months for the damage to the liver to reverse and begin to utilize food as fuel again. That part will be hard once he is out of a medical setting, so it is imperative that he see a professional counsellor afterward and if he has a need to belong, then a group therapy connected with the outreach dept. of the medical facility or something like AA, though sadly sometimes it is more of a place where people connect to get "a fix" after meeting, but depending on where you live and what your local AA chapter does is a big factor. Doing activites without alcohol is great in some places, but in others it's just an endless stream of meetings, self-deprecation, and sympathies but it gives people a place to be other than home or a bar. It has worked for some, but not for all. He has to decide that he does not want alcohol to be in control of him, his money, or his choices in life. If you can help him do that, then you can help by getting brochures from all the treatment facilities you can-look in the yellow pages under "Social Services."
    WWishing you the best of luck,
    Prinzessin
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  • SABLE prinzessin 2009/02/28 03:51:53
    SABLE
    My son has no job, lives with 3 other couples with his girlfriend (who is now 3 months pregnant), no insurance and no license. It just seems to get worse and worse. He hasn't lived with us since he was 23. He lives 100 miles away. He's gone the AA route but found it boring. He won't admit to his problem. New Hampshire won't let anyone but a judge admit him to a facility but he has no money to pay for it. Right now, he was ordered to go to a counselor starting January 28th and has yet to start because of no money. His girlfriend just got a job but has no insurance. We suggested "Healthy kids" which takes care of mother and baby until she delivers and then baby only. We have been doing Tough Love with him because the counselor on the Alcohol Abuse Hotline told us not to enable him in any way. I can do that but I feel bad for the baby. I still have time before it comes. The girlfriend is 38 and I worry about a sick baby because of age, alcohol abuse and occasional drug use. He says she's taking better care of herself but can you stop cold turkey? If I could, I'd like to get him help but I'm retired and can't afford everything he needs and will he work with these people to get better? Thanks for your comment and caring. I appreciate it. Peace
  • prinzessin SABLE 2009/03/01 08:25:24
    prinzessin
    President Obama just expanded the SCHIP(children's health care). You are not misguided in your fears for the unborn chikd, those factors, age alone is a borderline risk. Hopefully she is getting help from Social Services, or Welfare Bureau. Some people do quit "cold turkey" but most doctors advise against it even with legitimate medicine. The "taper down" has a less devastating effect on the person; some people have had heart attacks going "cold turkey". I know that this is tearing you apart. Follow the advice you can live with yourself with. But remember, you did not pour the alcohol into his mouth. Most states do subsidize rehabs; only way to know is to go and speak with them. You can call National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information at 800-729-6686. and the Child Welfare Information at 800-394-3366. Write down any quesyions you have beforehand and take notes. It is stressfull and likely to forget what was said.
    Mostly, don't beat your self up over it. Try to focus on what you like to do, maybe watch some really mesmerizing movies or crochet something. You quit it for him and you shouldn't have to bear that burden on a retirement income. They have to get there little selves out the door and to the welfare board. The above numbers I hope will be of help. It may be best tha...
    &
    President Obama just expanded the SCHIP(children's health care). You are not misguided in your fears for the unborn chikd, those factors, age alone is a borderline risk. Hopefully she is getting help from Social Services, or Welfare Bureau. Some people do quit "cold turkey" but most doctors advise against it even with legitimate medicine. The "taper down" has a less devastating effect on the person; some people have had heart attacks going "cold turkey". I know that this is tearing you apart. Follow the advice you can live with yourself with. But remember, you did not pour the alcohol into his mouth. Most states do subsidize rehabs; only way to know is to go and speak with them. You can call National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information at 800-729-6686. and the Child Welfare Information at 800-394-3366. Write down any quesyions you have beforehand and take notes. It is stressfull and likely to forget what was said.
    Mostly, don't beat your self up over it. Try to focus on what you like to do, maybe watch some really mesmerizing movies or crochet something. You quit it for him and you shouldn't have to bear that burden on a retirement income. They have to get there little selves out the door and to the welfare board. The above numbers I hope will be of help. It may be best that your son relocate. He will be paying child support either from out of jail or in it.I can feel how hard this is for you, especially being counseled by some to go against your own heart. Wishing all good things to come your way.
    Peace & Love
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  • SABLE prinzessin 2009/03/03 16:44:16 (edited)
    SABLE
    Thank You so much. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you. Something was wrong with our computer since Friday. I heard from my son on Sunday. He is staying home and cutting down on his drinking and smoking. He says he needs to dig his life out of the dirt and start being a man. He says he will look for a job and look until he finds one. He wants to be a good father and take care of his girlfriend (until he can marry her) and make sure she stays healthy.especially now. He sounded sincere and I could tell he was sober. He apologized for what he has been doing and said he plans on making amends with his sisters. And he has called them since. he now is taking small steps to get us to meet this girl. I have yet to meet my future daughter-in-law. He was married before to a girl he only knew for a month. A Harley-Davidson babe who looked cute on his cycle,according to him. They eloped in Florida at her request during a rally (motorcycle rally). She used him for a roof over her head, was found sleeping with both males and female in his apartment, and maxed out their credit cards and the divorce was nasty. She was ordered to pay half of the bills and she bolted back to Florida so he was left with a large credit problem. This caused alot of hurt feelings between he and I. I had only met her ...'''''''''
    Thank You so much. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you. Something was wrong with our computer since Friday. I heard from my son on Sunday. He is staying home and cutting down on his drinking and smoking. He says he needs to dig his life out of the dirt and start being a man. He says he will look for a job and look until he finds one. He wants to be a good father and take care of his girlfriend (until he can marry her) and make sure she stays healthy.especially now. He sounded sincere and I could tell he was sober. He apologized for what he has been doing and said he plans on making amends with his sisters. And he has called them since. he now is taking small steps to get us to meet this girl. I have yet to meet my future daughter-in-law. He was married before to a girl he only knew for a month. A Harley-Davidson babe who looked cute on his cycle,according to him. They eloped in Florida at her request during a rally (motorcycle rally). She used him for a roof over her head, was found sleeping with both males and female in his apartment, and maxed out their credit cards and the divorce was nasty. She was ordered to pay half of the bills and she bolted back to Florida so he was left with a large credit problem. This caused alot of hurt feelings between he and I. I had only met her once and she wasn't very nice to me because she was in charge and I was to get lost. Many of our friends and relatives told me I needed to accept their marriage because she wasn't so bad. And then her true self came out and she insulted all these people to their faces. So you see, this strong, former karate teacher, excellent Chevrolet car technician became an angry drunk with a scary temper. He fires up at everything and that is something he was arrested for on top of the DWI. He had a fight at the bar. As a kid he was crazy about cars, served the priest at mass as an altar server, joine the Catholic Youth Organization and was always his father's best friend working on cars together, fishing and watching and playing sports. Now he's all broken up, he can't run, he can't drive for 6 years. His teeth are broken from the car accident he was in. He's sore all over. At 34 he looks like 64. Someone told me maybe this child would make a difference in his life. I hope so. I just don't want it to be temporary and drive him back to the bar. She has quit drinking and is slowly illiminating cigarettes. He says he will also quit smoking to help her. I hope our prayers are working. Thank you for all your good advice and I'll give him the phone numbers. God Bless You Peace.
    (more)

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