In an unprecedented victory for the American entertainment industry, Miley Cyrus announced on Tuesday that she had won the war on terror. “I don't know about y'all,” the fresh faced teen with the wide smile drawled, “But I just can't help feeling pretty darn great about life.”

As Cyrus burst into yet another pop-fresh song about teenage love, onlookers were forced to agree that they no longer felt scared to leave their homes, and some of them even removed the gas masks they'd been wearing since 9/11.

“It's as if the only way we could ever have truly won the war on terror was to stop being afraid of Islamic boogeymen,” one emo teenager said, setting his broken razor aside in favor of a refreshing drink of diet Coke, the beverage of the free.

“Yeah, and killing everything that moves in the Middle East is such a total downer,” a Wall Street banker agreed before kicking off her corporate power pumps and performing quite a passable waltz with a filthy ex-accountant recently made homeless in the mortgage crisis. The pair were later seen canoodling in a dumpster made for two.

Taking her message to the halls of power, Miley Cyrus performed outside the White House on Monday evening to the delight of Sasha and Malia Obama, not to mention that charming curly haired puppy that follows them everywhere. Though he was at first busy deploying 30,000 young Americans to go off and die fighting the Invincible Terror Lords of Afghanistan, upon hearing Miley's upbeat tunes, Obama changed his mind about destroying the United States with yet another impotent show of force and instead decided to redirect the funds into a nationwide candy and health care scheme.

“I thought we could bring peace to the world by killing everyone who looked at us funny, but, you know, Miley might just be right on this one,” President Obama grinned. “After having lost over 4,000 soldiers, sending 30,000 more to die in a land that nobody has ever conquered suddenly just seemed to be an incredibly stupid thing to do. I'm so glad Miss Cyrus took the time to explain that in her song 'I'm Humpin' A Dead Dawg And Lovin' It'.

After achieving the seemingly impossible and restoring sanity to the American people, Miley was unavailable for further comment as she boarded a plane bound for Vatican City where she is apparently scheduled to perform a live concert for Catholic bishops that may just persuade them to stop raping children.