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Making Toasters in the USA

The pop up toaster is another All American invention that has been totally outsourced. Even the famous Toastmaster Company now makes all of their toasters and toaster ovens overseas. Have you ever wondered why so many All-American inventions can no longer be made in the USA? Let’s take a make believe journey as an Ohio businessman attempts to get a new toaster company started in 2010.

Meet Mort Funkenhouser of All American Toasters

Mr. Funkenhouser believes in the American dream! His ancestors came to this country from Slovakia back in the 1920s with two dollars in loose change stuffed in a sour cream canister. The Funkenhousers built their amazing fortune in the sour cream spoon business, which they sold off to a Chinese company in the early 1990s. Mort graduated with a degree in business and decided to use his portion of the family fortune to rebuild America one toaster at a time.

Mort Meets the Federal Government
While Mort had a few million dollars to use in this venture since it promised to put hard working Americans back to work he figured he would check with his congressman about some tax breaks and credits available for small businesses. He did the math and decided he could produce an All American Toaster made of All American parts! His radical new design would cut toasting time while increasing quality and sell for just $19.95.

What Mort discovered as he met with government officials will shock and amaze you and the truth might even be crazier than my fiction.

Mort Meets the EPA

Little did Mort realize that a simple toaster design would have to be approved by the Environmental Protection Agency. The EPA is concerned that the inefficient coil system in a typical toaster might lead to excess heat being dispersed by the unit which may lead to global warming. But the government did have a fix thanks to research done at the Department of Energy labs. The new excess heat transfer system for the All American Toaster allowed Mort to proceed to the next agency.

Mort Meets the EEOC
Mort was not concerned when he received a letter from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission because his new employee roster had the required diversity to qualify for government grants. Unknown to Mort was the fact that the EEOC has wide discretion in areas of equal rights. It seems that the adjustment switch on the All American Toaster had light, medium and dark settings. These terms had to be removed since the EEOC claims they could contain “Culturally Insensitive Profiling.”

Mort Meets the FDA

Why would the Food and Drug Administration care about my little toaster company Mort wondered as he headed towards their office next. It seems the FDA was concerned about a sudden increase in toaster burn injuries and had a new warning system that would apply to any toasters made in the USA. This government organization was no longer satisfied with plastering HOT stickers all over the toaster; they wanted to have a warning affixed to each piece of toast too! The new edible HOT stamp was created but the FDA only got the right to boss around American companies due to free trade agreements that prohibit extra expenditures on foreign made products. Mort’s toaster dreams were fading.

Mort Visits His Accountant

After meeting with his attorney and his accountant it was now apparent the new All American Toaster would need major changes in design to meet the government regulations. These additional costs will make raise the retail price from $19.95 per toaster to $275.35 pushing this item out of reach of most Americans. But his attorney had one more agency for Mort to visit.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (January 31, 2010) — The US Army in conjunction with the Department of Defense released new information today about a new device to assure forward placed Army bases are free from terrorism while still providing our troops the meals they need. The All American Toaster company of Findlay, OH was awarded a $1.2 Million contract to be the exclusive toaster provider for the US Army.

“Every time an American Army cook was using a foreign toaster there was a distinct possibility of terrorist activity,” said General Ervin T. Gunnerson. “Now our brave American soldiers will eat nothing but American made toast, which will keep them safer while living in enemy territory. God bless All American toast!”

“We are proud to be the official toaster providers for the US Army and hope this campaign will spread to other branches of the service,” said All American Toaster Owner Mort Funkenhouser. “We are proud to do our part in the War Against Terror by providing our brave men and women in uniform safe toast.”

The first of 150 toasters purchased by the Department of Defense will be provided to forward placed bases in Afghanistan and Iraq starting by mid March.


Now do you understand why military toilet seats are so expensive too?
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  • Sophia 2012/04/07 01:52:31
    Sophia
    +1
    I would like to know if I can repost this, I will give you credit and link to this post
    Thanks
  • Jess 2011/10/09 07:58:51
    Jess
    Good sense of humor and thanks for exposing some truth too!! I have some FANTASTIC NEWS- THERE IS A USA MADE TOASTER!!!!!!!! After a very long search, I found a reference to an American made wide slot toaster: http://www.toastercentral.com... Toaster Central refurbishes vintage toasters out of New York, and he recently got an exclusive contract to sell a 2 slot toaster made by Hobart. Hobart is one of two companies that I found (the other is Star) who make American made commercial toasters; they are huge and designed for restaurants, though they might work for some open-minded folks. However, Hobart is now making a 2-slot wide-slot toaster sold through Toaster Central! I think it is safe to say that this is the ONLY USA made consumer toaster (vs. commercial toasters) out there! Of course, if you're wanting to go old school, you can also check out Toaster Central's vintage/refurbished toasters. Or there is this handy-dandy Pioneer Folding Toaster (USA made) I found as well: http://www.jacobbromwell.com/... Apparently there was a period of several years where there really weren't any (except those two commercial toaster companies above!). I'm hoping that he'll get flooded with orders and that this will motivate an American manufacturer to jump back here from China OR ...
    Good sense of humor and thanks for exposing some truth too!! I have some FANTASTIC NEWS- THERE IS A USA MADE TOASTER!!!!!!!! After a very long search, I found a reference to an American made wide slot toaster: http://www.toastercentral.com... Toaster Central refurbishes vintage toasters out of New York, and he recently got an exclusive contract to sell a 2 slot toaster made by Hobart. Hobart is one of two companies that I found (the other is Star) who make American made commercial toasters; they are huge and designed for restaurants, though they might work for some open-minded folks. However, Hobart is now making a 2-slot wide-slot toaster sold through Toaster Central! I think it is safe to say that this is the ONLY USA made consumer toaster (vs. commercial toasters) out there! Of course, if you're wanting to go old school, you can also check out Toaster Central's vintage/refurbished toasters. Or there is this handy-dandy Pioneer Folding Toaster (USA made) I found as well: http://www.jacobbromwell.com/... Apparently there was a period of several years where there really weren't any (except those two commercial toaster companies above!). I'm hoping that he'll get flooded with orders and that this will motivate an American manufacturer to jump back here from China OR Hobart can keep making tons of these commercial toasters! Yay!!!
    (more)
  • MkB 2010/01/31 19:21:14
    MkB
    I hope you're not serious. Wonder if we'd have pop tarts today if Kellogg's needed to deal with every twist and turn of government control. Now you understand why Ding Dongs are so expensive.
  • DaHawk MkB 2010/01/31 19:57:24
    DaHawk
    +1
    Very good points!

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DaHawk

DaHawk

IL, US

2009/10/24 00:37:15

OK time to get to work on the radio shows

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