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J0kes! Which joke is funniest?

woo 2008/11/22 03:21:52
#1
#2
#3
NONE. i'VE GOT A BETTER ONE....
OTHER
You!
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Which joke is funniest?

#1•••Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

#2•••Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

#3•••A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Top Opinion

  • ♥Isis♥ 2008/11/22 03:33:04 (edited)
    #2
    ♥Isis♥
    +5
    #2•••Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'





    ROFL!!! panties sympathy card stuck cheeks butt fire station forget rofl

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Opinions

  • poiple shmoiple 2008/11/24 22:29:44
    #3
    poiple shmoiple
    +1
    haha it was digusting but funny
  • l1nuxx 2008/11/24 20:29:52
    #2
    l1nuxx
    +1
    OMG my stomach is hurting from laughing so hard
  • ~michelle~ 2008/11/24 14:22:40
    #2
    ~michelle~
    +1
    They are all funny... but I like #2 the best!
  • jdc 2008/11/24 13:22:13
    #3
    jdc
    +1
    LMAO! I will be sure to share this with my husband :)
  • m 2008/11/22 20:58:24
    #1
    m
    +1
    All three were funny, but this was the funniest.
  • Audrey 2008/11/22 18:26:31
  • ELROY 2008/11/22 17:34:01
  • woo ELROY 2008/11/22 18:04:16
    woo
    omg!!!! lol. ewwwww!
  • ©TransA... ELROY 2008/11/22 18:11:00
  • Jenna_M... ELROY 2008/11/26 16:07:46
    Jenna_Marie
    that is awful...i dont know what to say or think
  • BIG DADDY MAC 2008/11/22 16:50:09 (edited)
    OTHER
    BIG DADDY MAC
    +1
    Jello:
    Believe it or not, all got progressively funnier as I read them....Good job! =)
  • seattleman 2008/11/22 16:46:50
    #3
    seattleman
  • Pearl 2008/11/22 14:24:25
    OTHER
    Pearl
    +1
    All 3 are funny......
  • Eternal Oblivion 2008/11/22 05:27:34
    #3
    Eternal Oblivion
  • American Badass ~ The Right... 2008/11/22 05:17:19
    #3
    American Badass ~ The Right Guy!
    +1
    Now that's funny!
  • Rocko9 2008/11/22 04:50:06
    #3
    Rocko9
    +1
    good joke
  • Party Boy [A7X Bat] 2008/11/22 04:32:58
    #3
    Party Boy [A7X Bat]
    +1
    that one is funny as hell!
  • curraheeswoman 2008/11/22 04:30:24
    #2
    curraheeswoman
    +1
    #2 was the best.I needed a good laugh.I just watched the 30 minute version of I.O.U.S.A. It scared the hell out of me,a real reality check. iousathemovie.com check it out and find more jokes
  • Suzanni 2008/11/22 04:25:21
    #2
    Suzanni
    +1
    #2 made me laugh the best.

    2 2 laugh
  • woo Suzanni 2008/11/22 05:00:33
    woo
    +1
    thats cute.

    cute
  • Suzanni woo 2008/11/22 05:08:45
    Suzanni
    +1
    hee hee hee. lol.
  • The Sane One 2008/11/22 03:47:30
    NONE. i'VE GOT A BETTER ONE....
    The Sane One
    +4
    Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dublin, they walk over to the bird section and
    Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

    The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

    'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

    The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

    Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

    At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
    He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
    Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

    Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
    'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

    THERE'S MORE...

    Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
    He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

    'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

    He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

    He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

    Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parro...

    '''




    '




    '

    ''
    Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dublin, they walk over to the bird section and
    Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

    The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

    'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

    The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

    Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

    At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
    He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
    Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

    Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
    'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

    THERE'S MORE...

    Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
    He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

    'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

    He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

    He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

    Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
    Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
    Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

    IT IS NOT OVER YET...

    Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
    He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
    Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

    Once more Paddy shakes his head.

    'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...

    And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
    (more)
  • ὤTṻnde΄ӂ The San... 2008/11/22 03:55:50
    ὤTṻnde΄ӂ
    +1
    Funny. Very funny. Thanks. I'm getting to laugh a lot tonight
  • woo The San... 2008/11/22 05:03:07
  • ♥Isis♥ 2008/11/22 03:33:04 (edited)
    #2
    ♥Isis♥
    +5
    #2•••Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'





    ROFL!!! panties sympathy card stuck cheeks butt fire station forget rofl
  • woo ♥Isis♥ 2008/11/22 05:04:39
  • ♥Isis♥ woo 2008/11/22 05:07:27
    ♥Isis♥
    LOL
  • ὤTṻnde΄ӂ 2008/11/22 03:31:45
    #2
    ὤTṻnde΄ӂ
    +1
    No "All of them"? Hilarious. Yet another opportunity to laugh tonight. Great jokes. Thanks
  • medarlin~xanax goddess~ 2008/11/22 03:30:34
    #3
    medarlin~xanax goddess~
    +1
    oh yea!
  • Yukkione "In Science We Trust" 2008/11/22 03:29:34
    OTHER
    Yukkione "In Science We Trust"
    +2
    This guy met this woman at a singles bar and their conversation was filled with kinky sexual innuendo...near closing time the woman asked the man if he would like to come back to her place for a kinky time, he agreed and off they went. Upon getting to her place the woman excused herself so she could go put on something sexy, when she returned to the living room seven minutes later wearing a latex body suit she found the man putting on his coat and heading for the door. She said "hey were are you going? I though we were going to get kinky." He said, " I'm done, I shit in your purse." and he walked out the door.
  • ♥Isis♥ Yukkion... 2008/11/22 03:53:27
    ♥Isis♥
    +1
    LOL ROFL!!!!!!!
    I didn't notice it was a joke..LOL
    Sorry!!!!! Funny!!
    Me had 2 drinks..LOL
  • ©TransAmTam~Metal Queen \m/ 2008/11/22 03:26:39
  • DrTim 2008/11/22 03:25:35
    #1
    DrTim
    +1
    Out Fu***ing Standing!!!!
  • woo DrTim 2008/11/22 05:06:38
    woo
    +2
    yeah i liked it most!

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