Communists Sue Democratic Party For Stealing Platform
- 2010/04/18 16:46:01
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In a surprise move, the
CPUSA (Communist Party USA) has announced a lawsuit against the
Democratic Party and its leadership for the alleged theft of
intellectual property. The plaintiffs claim that the entire so-called
"new" Democratic agenda is, in fact, the product of a decades-long,
painstaking campaign by CPUSA theorists, agitators, and underground
subversive cells - which makes it the intellectual property of the
Communist Party USA, protected by American copyright laws.
stole our entire platform, rebranded it 'progressive', and claimed it as
their own," declared a CPUSA spokesperson at a press conference in San
Francisco. "And we communists say, not so fast! Not in this country
anyway, where we still have property rights and the rule of law, thank
God! Actually, let me rephrase that..."
explained that government ownership of the auto and financial
industries, redistribution of wealth, and free rationed healthcare have
always been among the glorious CPUSA objectives: "We held on to these
goals through all the difficult years of factional infighting, purges,
denunciations, and heroic espionage on behalf of the Soviet intelligence
"This may seem like a foreign idea to you, but we
sacrificed everything for it - our friends, our neighbors, and our
nation. We suffered from all kinds of ulcers and split personality
disorders by blindly following Stalin's directives. We risked our
chances of promotion within US government agencies by dutifully
advancing Soviet foreign policy. And for what? So that some spoiled
Democrats could ride on our backs to power while throwing us crumbs in
the form of minor cabinet appointments?
"It's just like taking
someone else's hard-earned income and redistributing it! ... Never mind,
bad example... It's like infiltrating a respectable organization and
taking over its management while engaging in subversive propaganda and
the rewriting of history... Whoops, bad example again... It's like being
devoid of moral standards and rejecting all the norms and values of
Judeo-Christian civilization... No, that was totally inappropriate.
"It's time we got our fair share of credit from
the current administration. As a gesture of good will, we would be
pleased to accept the credit in the form of stimulus checks, subsidies,
and loan guarantees for our members. If not now, when?"
lawyers presented documents to the press showing that the Democratic
platform of 2010, almost-line-for-line, reiterates the CPUSA platform of
1963. As the lead attorney for the plaintiffs pointed out, even a
casual reading shows that while the rhetoric occasionally varies, the
underlying policies are nearly identical.
"If the public knew
that all the Democrat ideas are ours, we'd have more high-paying jobs in
the Obama administration," remarked the CPUSA spokesperson. "While all
our members can't be czars, we should at least get royalties. We can't
survive on government handouts alone, not yet anyway."
announcement seems to overturn past communist policy favoring the
liquidation of czars and royalty.
The Democratic National
Committee has declined to issue an official comment on the lawsuit, but a
high-ranking White House official stated privately that this
development is the result of an historically inevitable "convergence of
opposites" - a philosophical concept outlined by Karl Marx and Friedrich
Engels - whereby the American public catches up with the glorious
promise of communism, while the CPUSA becomes so American that it
becomes embroiled in litigation. "Don't quote me on this," he added,
"but Barack and I believe we can easily reconcile whatever minor
differences we have with the CPUSA, and work together to prepare
Americans for the final march, in well-organized and neat columns,
towards our radiant progressive future."
Comrades this is very upsetting for my kin who swall… err follow the
Dear Leader. I do hope they won't be ashamed of this flagrant
intellectual theft they have committed.
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