ARE YOU A POLITICAL D-BAG? 10 REASONS YOU MIGHT BE AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT

ARE YOU A POLITICAL D-BAG? 10 REASONS YOU MIGHT BE AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT

As someone who lives and works in DC, this is hilarious.

1. YOU USE YOUR FAITH AS YOUR POLITICAL PLATFORM:Look, The Bible is a great bunch of stories that were written by people who'd heard a bunch of sweet stories about this guy from a bunch of people who totally saw him in concert once.

But you never quote the good parts! You're never like "Yo Jesus says it's a good idea to throw parties with your boys and always keep some wine and dime pieces like Mary Magdalene around"…but you're always like "Gay people need to stop being gay" and "Condoms are from the devil!"

Don't get me wrong, I hate condoms too…and I consider myself as Christian as the rest of you (unless you're not Christian at all, in which case I'm WAY more Christian than you and I win), but you're blindly arguing for the superiority of a bunch of stories that were written thousands of years ago, translated and rewritten to fit political and societal agendas. Claiming "The Bible says it's wrong" is the grown up version of sticking your hand in your little brother's face and screaming "NOT TOUCHING, CAN'T GET MAD!" Quit being an asshole to your little brother.

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2. YOU HATE FUN: Gay dudes are getting married? ANARCHY! Why? Because you're an asshole and misery loves company.

Trust me, I get it…there's an old gay couple in my building who are in great shape, dress well and are always laughing and joking as they walk home with their fresh organic groceries, amazing bottles of wine and expensive kobe beef. IT'S DISGUSTING! No one should be that happy! So let's punish them with legislation right!?!?

In your blind anger, you assholes didn't think about the important stuff…you didn't think about how this effects me. Do you realize that if you'd hated…I don't know…Victoria's Secret models, then we'd get giant parades of chicks in skimpy bras and lacy panties???

But NOOOOO you had to hate dudes who like dudes and feather boas and booty shorts (yes gays, that was a broad stereotype…deal with it). My point is this: You aren't fighting us on this because it benefits/hurts you in any way…you're fighting because you don't want people having fun that you don't understand…and that makes you an asshole.

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3. YOU COMPARE OBAMA/ROMNEY/ANY POLITICIAN TO HITLER: I don't care if you're a republican or democrat, man or woman, black or white, gay or straight, Klingon or Cylon: comparing a political figure to Hitler is an asshole move.

You realize that there are still Holocaust survivors around right? And their families? But no you're right, you're least favorite politician doesn't support abortion. Probably time to compare him to the guy who committed one of the worst acts of genocide in history.

I get disgusted at how low we can stoop sometimes. You guys are so bad…just like Hitler.

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4. YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE ISSUE: Yes potheads…I'm talking to you. Diversify a little bit. Maybe then we'll start to take your stance about the recreational activity you already do pretty freely more seriously. Most of us agree with you, the problem you keep running into is that no one cares because all you do is shout the same rhetoric at us as we walk through Westlake Park. It's hard to take the "injustice" you're shouting about while the homeless, wheelchair-bound veteran is sitting quietly 3-feet away smoking a joint without being arrested.

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5. YOU YELL ABOUT DEAD BABIES: Hey Pro-Choicers/Pro-Lifers: You're all assholes. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I'll give you some advice that none of you will take because it's being given to you by a white male: STOP LETTING THINGS HURT YOUR FEELINGS. You made this debate about "right & wrong" and when you did that, you forfeited the right to take things personally.

Now for the rest of you: When was the last time you heard a balanced, educated argument about abortion? Oh, never? Me neither. That's because over-emotional assholes are at the forefront trying to create an image of themselves as a disenfranchised minority.

Yes "Pro-Life" party I'm talking about you religious nutcases too. We live in an over-crowded, dying world and you're guilt-tripping strippers and teenaged skanks all over the place into having kids for you to complain about them raising wrong. Oh, and pictures of dead babies are gross. Stop doing that. We've all seen the Saw franchise so your signs aren't shocking us into voting your way. You're just grossing me out when I'm walking to get lunch.

And "Pro-Choicers", stop calling them "Anti-Choicers"….Americans aren't as stupid as you're assuming. No one's going "Ohhhhh shit! They ARE anti-choicers!" and if they are, they're too busy reveling at the side of cigarette cartons to vote anyway.

You guys (I called you "guys"…I'm pretty fired up) make me embarrassed to be pro-choice. I don't want to be associated with the immature and spiteful ways you campaign. I'm Team Jacob too, but I don't want people knowing that. It's the same thing.

Yeah….I just compared your cause to Twilight…that's how immature you assholes have gotten about it.

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6. YOU OPENLY DISREGARD THE POOR: "There's a safety net"…right. Thanks asshole. BUt you're probably right, I think I saw the safety net under the I5 overpass the other day.

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7. YOU DON'T LISTEN: This is the "Choose Your Own Adventure" portion of today's conversation. You are a [Liberal/Conservative] and you hate [liberals/conservatives] because they're hell-bent on [social/economic] government involvement. You don't listen to the [liberal/conservative] agenda because you're a [liberal/conservative] and you KNOW that you disagree with anything they have to say. I mean, after all: [liberals/conservatives] are the reason we can't make any progress as a nation.

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8. YOU'RE A TRUST FUND ACTIVIST: The 99% movement lost some steam when we realized you borrowed your dad's Beamer and drove to your nearest city so you could get out of Econ class. Arguing that you have to choose between rent or groceries when you've never paid rent and your butler does the grocery shopping is like me arguing that my skin color makes it hard to get a cab (Don't worry: I'm allowed to make jokes like that…When I was a kid, My BEST FRIEND and I watched Juice like eight times).

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9. YOU DON'T VOTE BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT IS A JOKE ANYWAY: Yeah that's a logical response. I'm so sick of the decisions that are affecting my life that I'm going to do nothing about it…well, except complain…constantly…mostly about things I have no facts or logic to back up….probably while you're on the bus trying to listen to The Black Keys and type the end of your "political assholes" blog. Oh, also I might complain about the polution I'm doing nothing to fight.

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10. YOU'RE AMERICAN: Look we're all assholes who have a diverse set of asshole agendas. If we can all just focus on being less of assholes about our agendas to those other assholes with their agendas, we might be able to get along for a few more years and avoid couples counseling. After all, that's what Hitler would do…wait I don't think I used that right.