A large super-mass has formed a light year from planet Earth, mitigating the force of Earth's gravitational field and causing livestock, small animals and people to float free up into the stratosphere and beyond. The good news is that after a brief international crisis punctuated by the hellish screams of those falling off the planet's face, scientists have discovered how to create gravity on the small scale by harnessing the power of electromagnetism, thus enabling humanity to anchor itself to the ground.

Most Western countries have adopted nationwide free gravity schemes paid for by taxes that allow all inhabitants of the country to go about their business as normally as they did before the great mass arrived, however the United States of America insists that the government cannot be trusted with gravity and has instead elected to privatize gravity generation in the name of commerce and free enterprise. This controversial decision has been challenged by zany liberals who believe that a public gravity option is necessary in order for America to function at its best.

“We've lost hundreds of people to the void of space,” a long haired hippy in a hemp suit whined nasally on the steps of congress, freeloading off the Federal Gravitational supply. “Nobody should be left to implode in the dark vacuum beyond our atmosphere simply because they cannot afford a personal gravitron.”

Many middle class citizens have taken to living on the ceiling in an effort to try to save money, only turning on their gravitational devices when it is absolutely necessary to go outside. One man, Patrick Butters of Idaho, claims that he hasn't left his house in months due to a faulty personal gravitron.

“I just don't know when it will malfunction. I can't go to work, because there's a 50/50 chance I'll be clearing the horse head nebula by lunch time. I'd call a gravity technician, but their fees are so expensive. It's cheaper just to stay home and hope for the best.”

Support for a public gravity option is on the increase, but it meets with staunch opposition.

“Gravity is not a right,” Senator R Publican said, standing on the porch of his gravitationally shielded property whilst outside the boundary less affluent people could be seen in the distance plummeting hopelessly skywards.

“Of course I want US citizens to have access to good, clean gravity, but I don't want our gravity being used for the benefit of illegal immigrants, or lazy people who don't have jobs. If you want gravity, you have to work for it. That's how things work.”

The situation seems grim, but there is good news ahead for those unable to pay for personal gravitrons. Private industry has instituted a large net stretching across the sky from east coast to west coast, designed to catch passers by before they leave the oxygen rich layer that surrounds the Earth. For a small monthly fee of a few hundred dollars, they offer a retrieval service. If you happen to be struck by a sudden lack of gravity and find yourself falling upwards into the great blue yonder, simply press your gravity insurance panic button and your claim will be reviewed within 488 hours. That's long enough to relax and watch the clouds float by. To safeguard yourself and your family, dial 1-800-SKY-NET.