A Message From Mitt Romney

Good morning folks. This is future president Mitt Romney. I'm here to
tell you how I'm going to fix the economy. You see the first thing I
learned from Rudy Guiliani was to tell people ad nauseum what you're
famous for. He was mayor of New York. And I used to work for Bain
Capital. As such, I know how to control a multi national macro economic
economy using only publicly funded money. Nevermind that a career in
government would mean bupkiss in terms of running a private business.
But somehow running a private business makes one an expert on how
government should work.



Now here's where I can lead the country. *Insert speech about how Obama is wrong. Backwards. And hasn't run a business.*



You see, I'm (every Republican politician says this) a "Reagan
conservative." I believe in lower taxes and small businesses leading the
way. I believe that magically lowering income taxes and doing nothing
else will spur the economy to 0% unemployment. And combined with heavily
subsidizing large cap corporations, we can turn the economy around. I
created Staples. And as such believe that we must subsidize companies
like Staples and Wal-Mart to move to your town by not making them pay
for property taxes, sewer upgrades, licences, etc.



I will tell the Chinese to stop playing around with our currency. And
they will stop. Just as Donald Trump would tell OPEC to lower their
prices. And they would. :lol:



I don't believe in government solutions to private problems. Which is
why as Massachusetts' most Libertarian governor, I instituted a
government law declaring health insurance mandatory. But I didn't put
everybody on government health plans. Instead I forced them to buy
private health plans paid for with public money. Thus subsidizing
private companies with government laws while saying how I was not a big
government guy. The fact that I used Massachusetts' 30 year rainy day
fund to pay for this. A fund that other states don't have and couldn't
use for similar measures is conveniently not mentioned by the press.



*Puts another quart of 10W-30 in his hair before continuing the speech*



I think the hyprocrisy of Obama saying the economy is doing fine just
shows how out of touch he his. At this point I'd like to talk about how
Obamacare is a big government plan while Romneycare was 100% market
driven. :bitchslap:



I think Obama is on the wrong track. So I will put the country on the
right track (don't you just love empty words?). I do believe that the
USA is that shining city on the hill, to quote my inspiration Ronald
Reagan. So under a Romney presidency we will look forward to tax rates
of a flat 5%. Increased military spending, increased federal education
spending at both public elementary/high school levels as well as
increased loan subsidization to universities. Our children need better
education you know. And to add to that, I will increase SS payouts for
current and near retirees while at the same time lowering payroll taxes.
The deficits will disappear completely under year 8 of my presidency
and the national debt will be going down by the time I leave office.



Before I finish my campaign speech, I'd like to say that it's outrageous
the amount of money that Obama can rake in from donors. Campaign
finances are out of control. We really need to reform this. Now if
you'll excuse me, I need to go to the bank to cash this check from
Sherman Adelson.