A Guide to the Liberal Mind

As
a great fan of Jeff Foxworthy, it occurred to me that it might be a
good idea to use his hilarious you-might-be-a-redneck comedy routine in
an attempt to characterize the liberal mindset (tweaking Jeff's formula a
bit to convert it from the suppositional to the unconditional). So,
with apologies to the wonderful country comedian, here are some of the
notable features of the liberal's mental landscape:

• If
  you believe that freedom of expression is sacrosanct but would like
  nothing better than to deny it to anyone who doesn't share your views,
  you are a liberal.
• If you believe that the 1^st Amendment separates church from state, but not state from church, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that the 2^nd Amendment was the founding fathers' big mistake and that the 10^th Amendment shouldn't be taken seriously, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that endlessly discussing a problem amounts to actually solving it, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that the results of progressive programs are irrelevant and that only good intentions count, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that Mark Foley, who wrote salacious e-mails to a young but legally adult congressional page, was an evil libertine, while Gerry Studds, who had sex with an underage congressional page, was a knight in shining armor, you are a liberal intellectual.
• If
  you believe that Obama is an intellectual giant whose IQ is off the
  charts even though you have no idea what his IQ actually is, you are a
  liberal.
• If
  you believe that a decades-old drunk-driving episode in George W.
  Bush's biography comes under the "people's right to know" doctrine while
  the entire past of Barack Obama is protected by his right to privacy,
  you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that we can spend and borrow our way out of the recession
  in keeping with the thoroughly discredited Keynesian model, you are a
  liberal.
• If
  you believe that taxpayers don't change their behavior when the
  government tries to squeeze more tax money out of them, you are a
  liberal.
• If you believe that Americans are undertaxed, while carefully hiding your own money in offshore tax shelters, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe, with Nancy Pelosi and Valerie Jarrett, that unemployment
  benefits are a boon to the economy (but without taking this brilliant
  insight to its logical conclusion: that the path to unprecedented
  prosperity lies through 100% unemployment), you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that affirmative action improves the lot of poor minorities
  rather than miring them in perpetual misery and dependence, you are a
  liberal.
• If
  you believe that Lyndon Johnson's War on Poverty failed because not
  enough money (a trifling $16 trillion) was spent on it, you are a
  liberal.
• If you believe that God's middle name is Kennedy, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that Jimmy Carter, who has been working indefatigably over
  the last three decades to subvert his country's foreign policy, is the
  best ex-president ever, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that the Fox News Channel is the modern-day equivalent of Völkischer Beobachter and The New York Times a light unto the world, and whatever the Times publishes is God-given truth while whatever it deems unfit to print doesn't deserve to be known, you are a liberal.
• If
  you angrily castigate your compatriots for being profligate with their
  energy consumption while generously allowing yourself to use more than
  20 times as much energy as a regular household (see Gore, Al), you are a
  liberal.
• If you believe that your choice of a car affects the planet's climate while sunspot activity doesn't, you are a liberal.
• If
  you are notoriously stingy with personal charitable giving but
  deliriously generous with other people's money while proudly posing as
  the true benefactor of the poor, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that human nature is infinitely malleable and that nurture easily trumps nature, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that your women's studies degree is superior to a Ph.D. in engineering, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that the anarchists, hoodlums, and hobos who make up the
  Occupy movement are noble idealists who truly represent the 99 percent
  of America while the Tea Partiers are Nazi troglodytes and of course
  racists, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that perjury is not a crime if it is about sex, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that Bill Clinton defended the Constitution as he repeatedly perjured himself, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that Hillary's rather primitive bribery scheme with cattle
  futures was so complicated as to be beyond human comprehension and thus
  ought to be shoved into the memory hole, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that Chuck Colson, who served seven months behind bars for
  procuring a single FBI file, got away with murder, but the Clintons, who
  demanded from the FBI some 900 files, were defenseless lambs
  relentlessly persecuted by cruel Republicans, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that the mountains of corpses and rivers of blood that have
  been the chief result of all communist "experiments" are merely
  collateral damage, a possibly regrettable but unavoidable byproduct of
  the high-minded attempts to build paradise on earth and thus nothing to
  talk about, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that Alger Hiss or Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were innocent victims of McCarthyism, you are a liberal.
• If,
  to reinforce your salon cred, you bedeck your infant in a T-shirt
  bearing the likeness of that murderous sadist, Che Guevara, you are a
  liberal.
• If
  you believe, against plentiful historical evidence to the contrary,
  that appeasement works and that America's unilateral disarmament will
  surely mollify enemies by demonstrating our peaceful intentions and
  shame them into following our example, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that negotiations are the be-all and end-all of
  international relations and that as long as our adversaries deign to
  talk to us, everything is fine and dandy, even if they clearly use the
  negotiations as a smokescreen to pursue their nefarious schemes
  unmolested, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that the Palestinians sincerely want an accommodation with
  Israel and that only the stiff-necked Jews' obduracy stands in the way
  of Middle East peaceful settlement, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that all cultures are equal but that Western culture is less equal than the others, you are a liberal.
• If
  you believe that a crucifix immersed in the "artist's" urine or a
  bucket of paint splashed onto a canvas is genuine art, you are a
  liberal.
• If
  you believe that a murderous hoodlum is not really guilty because he
  grew up in a tough neighborhood and that "judgmentalism" is really the
  only crime deserving of opprobrium, you are a liberal.
• If you reflexively sympathize with the criminal while scornfully ignoring the crime victim, you are a liberal.
• If you believe that Bill Maher is indeed politically incorrect and Warren Buffet is dying to pay more taxes, you are a liberal.
• If you love the "people" but despise the "populace," you are a liberal.