I drive to and from work in Los Angeles traffic. Often, my driving routine is stymied but some bizarre traffic occulting force. This supernatural force is powerful, so powerful in fact that it can take 60 minutes to travel 7 miles!

To keep my sanity, I go through a series of behaviors. I talk to myself, I sing to the radio, I dial-a-friend, you know, the yuoozh (usual). But lately, i've picked up a new habit to kill the time: Nose-Picker Categorization or NPC, for short. My study, both scientific and unbiased, resulted in the following three categorizations of human nose-picker types.

1) The Pick-and-Flick - this nose-picker can often be seen with his or her driver's window in the down position. After a hearty nose-pick, this nose-picker will proceed to curl up its findings into a ball and isolate those findings onto one finger. Once aggregated, this picker will flick the findings off the original finger with a separate digit. Often, these illustrious pickings will find their way onto the side, and in rare circumstances the windshield, of some poor unsuspecting neighboring car.


2) The Pick-and-Stick - this nose-picker, prefers to store his or her findings for safe keeping, and is most likely uncleanly at home. After this son-of-a-pick completes his pick, he will take his finding and smear it, most often under his seat, so as to remove any trace or evidence of said pickings, leaving only a car detailer or the next owner of the vehicle a treasure trove of unique hardened pickings to be cultivated and later tested for e. coli.


3) The Pick-and-Lick - this nose-picker, quite possibly the most disturbed of all the nose-picking breed, has a, shall i say, "taste" for the un-ordinary. Post picking procedures often include an initial gaze at the findings, often with a besmirched look followed by a look of curiosity and in some bizarre and sickening instances, arousal. Once this wonderful example of a human being has made a commitment to their next move, there is often no turning back. These despicable pickers proceed to cautiously lick their pickings, seemingly savoring the taste just prior to a full ingestion.


But seriously folks...what is the deal with all of the friggin' nose-pickers on the 101? Have they no shame? I just wish these people would give their fingers and more importantly, their fragile nasal cartilage a break.

Is it only my city that suffers from such rampant nose-picking?