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Zombies Real, Says Harvard Psychiatrist Dr. Steven Schlozman: How would you survive a zombie invasion?

Creamy June 12, 2009 01:01:00

Dr. Steven Schlozman of Harvard Medical School is an assistant professor of psychiatry and avid observer of the living dead. Schlozman has written a fake medical journal article with sound medical proof as to how zombies can be a reality.

Dr. Schlozman says that zombies suffer from ANSD (Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome).

Schlozman lists five reasons why zombies act exactly as they do.

1. Zombies have only enough frontal lobe activity to be able to "sense" other zombies or humans.

2. Dr. Schlozman says zombies can only be fueled by rage. The amygdala then, is what powers zombies, just as in crocodiles. To this, Schlozman says "You can't really be mad at zombies, because that's like being mad at a crocodile."

3. Zombies also suffer from a cerebellar and basal ganglia dysfunction. Schlozman explains that this is why zombies are slow walkers and have sloppy movements.

4. Mirror neurons help humans experience emotions through other people. Zombies don't use these, which is why they are never scared or excited when they're getting shot at.

5. And why do zombies eat so much? Their ventromedial hypothalamus is broken so they never know when they've eaten enough. This why they can keep eating one human after another without stopping.

Dr. Schlozman also stated that zombies are probably constipated, since they never seem to poop; which would explain why zombies are always moaning.

Now that we know zombies are real, how do you plan on surviving the zombie invasion?
 Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!
Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory isn't believable. I won't be preparing for a zombie invasion...
I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...
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  • +7 raves Archer June 12, 2009 01:09:09
    Archer

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    dr schlozmans article prepped ill survive zombie invasion
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  • +3 raves
    Jake September 02, 2009 19:43:57
    Jake

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Thats interesting, i always thought zombies would come from some sort of genectic cross between a cordyceps fungus and the rabies virus.
    I also remember my dad telling me a story when i was a kid about some settlers who discoverd this island, way back in columbus' day, and on the island there was this plant that the natives ate that stoped them from feeling pain. Anyway the settlers got in to a whole war and whatever, and because they coulden't feel pain the only way you could stop them was by killing them. Thats supposed to be where the whole zombie legend came from, cause that was the name of the island or plant or something.
    Has anyone else heard this story?
  • +2 raves
    Jake September 02, 2009 19:43:32
    Jake

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Thats interesting, i always thought zombies would come from some sort of genectic cross between a cordyceps fungus and the rabies virus.
    I also remember my dad telling me a story when i was a kid about some settlers who discoverd this island, way back in columbus' day, and on the island there was this plant that the natives ate that stoped them from feeling pain. Anyway the settlers got in to a whole war and whatever, and because they coulden't feel pain the only way you could stop them was by killing them. Thats supposed to be where the whole zombie legend came from, cause that was the name of the island or plant or something.
    Has anyone else heard this story?
  • Bones [Batman In Disguise] July 10, 2009 08:44:55 (edited)
    Bones [Batman In Disguise]

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    is fucking terrifying. I was doing just fine knowing my phobia was an impossibility. Now this.... X[ I'd probably just kill myself.

    That or move into WalMart. They have everything.
  • anh14662 June 18, 2009 17:04:18
    anh14662

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    use bombs, and some good old fashoined shot guns. lol, oh and have a sniper rifle for some zombie head shot fun. lol
  • FAN June 16, 2009 16:02:49 (edited)
    FAN

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    is just a theory if it does ever happen.. then it will be a fact also then the sci fi genre will also have to change their catagory on their zombie movies ...and hopefully all the things in the movies wil help us fight these zombs or just call rob zombie sid haig ...Mila movies movies wil fight zombs rob zombie sid haig mila
  • +1 raves
    jade June 15, 2009 05:16:17
    jade

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Interesting don't no if id survive though
  • +1 raves
    chibichick123 June 15, 2009 02:56:39
    chibichick123

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    i dont really know yet but i'll figure it out sometime! and i think that the picture for the last option is cute.
  • +1 raves
    PHC June 13, 2009 12:15:25
    PHC

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    But I really don`t know how I would. But I would have to have all my twilight saga stuff. http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_nLa...
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  • +1 raves
    papag38 June 13, 2009 11:18:35
    papag38

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Like him is a little flakey,and the only way to put up with a Zombie is go to the same bar and drink with him.(you to soon will act like a Zombie)
  • +1 raves
    jen June 13, 2009 00:51:39
    jen

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    this is my worst nightmare come to life i dont think i would survive i would be one of the first to go
  • +1 raves
    teh_noob_pwner *ι ρωи иσσв... June 13, 2009 00:01:51
    teh_noob_pwner *ι ρωи иσσвʓ*(now with ЄƤƖƆ ƬЄχƬ)

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    First, you need a really big sledgehammer, and then WAM!!! No more zombies!
  • HOLLYWAY June 12, 2009 23:11:40
    HOLLYWAY

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Unbelievable!
  • NINFAN13XX June 12, 2009 22:17:25 (edited)
    NINFAN13XX

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    if i was last to survive ........ HEy join them n be a zombie :D
  • +2 raves
    Congrats Obama! June 12, 2009 20:40:29
    Congrats Obama!

    Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory isn't believable. I won't be preparing for a zombie invasion...

    Last night I watched my friend turn into a Zombie for real!.....It took a whole 1/5 of straight Bacardi Rum to make him transform.
  • +1 raves
    p31woman June 12, 2009 18:43:29
    p31woman

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Let me use one of my grandmother's terminology, HOG WASH!
  • +1 raves
    SAILOR June 12, 2009 14:09:57
    SAILOR

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    Zombies real!!
    I would call in the government. Oops They are the Zombies.
  • +1 raves
    ronbo June 12, 2009 13:51:59
    ronbo

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Fun to read but not practical in real life.The closest thing to a zombie in real life is a doper.
  • +1 raves
    Mack June 12, 2009 09:46:26
    Mack

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Anybody who buys into this as a real zimbie / zombie
    threat rand is 15 or older is retarded.
  • +1 raves
    B June 12, 2009 05:44:22
    B

    Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory isn't believable. I won't be preparing for a zombie invasion...

    the doctor is playing a game with ppls heads. they're are no zombies, the doctor is probaly pulling a stunt ... I think they called suspended someting or other. I didn't bother to read the entire article because I didn't like the stunt the doctor was tryng to pull
  • +1 raves
    James B June 12, 2009 12:13:02
    James
    *cough* read the first paragraph...He wrote a fake report.....lol...nice.
  • +2 raves
    American June 12, 2009 04:39:12
    American

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Sounds like obamanites to me. Just buy enough ammo to take care of the problem. Be ready or move to Texas.
  • James American June 12, 2009 12:13:29
    James
    HAHAHA!!!! YUP! Our Crazy Texas weather will have them goin crazy! LOL
  • American James June 12, 2009 12:50:06
    American
    I just got back from Texas and those people out there are ready. They got me primed up.
  • James American June 13, 2009 13:06:18
    James
    Oh yeah! =3 And we just got the new 2010 camaro so...we're ready to outrun them fuckers!
  • +2 raves
    kahless June 12, 2009 03:52:15 (edited)
    kahless

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    1. Organize before they rise!
    2. They feel no fear, why should you?
    3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
    4. Blades don’t need reloading.
    5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
    6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
    7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
    8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
    9. No place is safe, only safer.
    10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

    most lakes have an island in the middle or nearby, take a boat to the island and wait for them to walk out of the water.....like shooting ducks
  • SlipperyWhenWet June 12, 2009 03:39:33
    SlipperyWhenWet

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    ... might work for someone who had a chance of surviving the zombie apocalypse, but I've already taken the quiz (http://www.oneplusyou.com/bb... and got a 24% ... there's no way I'm surviving the zombie attack! lol
  • norma June 12, 2009 03:26:48
    norma

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Pretty damn funny but interesting...hmmm sounds like a good explanation to me.
  • NobodyHas-a-NameLikeMine June 12, 2009 03:26:28
    NobodyHas-a-NameLikeMine

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    I think he's confusing zombies with teenagers.
    Really. Make the comparison.
    (ps: in # 5 instead of humans put food, makes sense doesn't it?)
  • sadie100~In God we trust~ June 12, 2009 03:04:51
    sadie100~In God we trust~

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    dr schlozmans zombie theory
  • MJ June 12, 2009 02:30:24
    MJ

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    Start training in sprinting and the marathon both. I need to be faster than all the other people so they'll get caught and eaten by the zombies first!!!
  • +1 raves
    heywood jablowme June 12, 2009 02:28:01
    heywood jablowme

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    i don't see why you consider this a theory.
    These people are among us now just go to your local mall, walmart, or where ever large groups gather. They are there.
  • kahless heywood... June 13, 2009 03:00:52
    kahless
    so very true Hj... true hj
  • +1 raves
    Lord Nils June 12, 2009 02:08:40
    Lord Nils

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    I have my zombie kits already put together. Actually, they are my everyday survival kits, but I could use them for the zombie uprising.
  • +1 raves
    Warfoundtaco June 12, 2009 02:00:09
    Warfoundtaco

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    Is hilarious and that it gave me a good laugh.
  • +2 raves
    DemonKiTTiE ♥ In MUSE I Tru... June 12, 2009 01:47:13
    DemonKiTTiE ♥ In MUSE I Trust ♥

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    is the funniest thing that I have read in a while. I love that he says they are constipated.
  • +1 raves
    sd June 12, 2009 01:32:22
    sd

    Dr. Schlozman's article has got me prepped. Here's how I'll survive a zombie invasion!

    I'll lock myself in a closet and cry, until i either starve to death or get eaten lol
  • megalomaniac. June 12, 2009 01:16:08
    megalomaniac.

    I think Dr. Schlozman's zombie theory...

    with the statement of "fake" at the beginning makes any votes irrelevant
  • sd megalom... June 12, 2009 01:31:53
    sd
    jeez its just supposed to be a fun poll x___x no need to take everything seriously.
  • megalom... sd June 12, 2009 01:34:17
    megalomaniac.
    sorry, carry over mood
  • Creamy megalom... June 12, 2009 01:59:55
    Creamy
    buzz kill.
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