The Truth about evolution part 1: an investigation into the fallacy of science. May you be touched by His noodly appendage. Pasta!

Many of you may wonder why i have kept this belief secret. why i have confounded you all with evolution nonsense for soo long and not revealed the True word to you. the answer? little people. it has been known since ancient times that they have been in cahoots with the great enemy - ninjas. we pirates must keep His word alive. who am i talking about, you ask? why the FSM of course. now, join me and i shall shed the light on evolution that will never be forgot! (dramatic eh :P)

humanity: yarrgh!

Any discussion of Evolution will eventually lead us to ourselves. Humans
have been around for as long as we can remember, and yet the Evolutionists
will tell you that we weren't. They will tell you that humans and chimpanzees
shared a common ancestor some five million years ago, and that
we "diverged" from that common ancestor and eventually invented the
space shuttle while chimpanzees were only able to invent "the stick." To
support this thesis, scientists tell us that we share 95 percent of our DNA
with chimpanzees, and yet we share 99.9 percent of our DNA with
Pirates.61 ask you, who is the more likely common ancestor? And are the
Pirates not the Chosen People of the FSM? Why do we spend so much
time talking about something that didn't happen, while the FSM is dangling
His Noodly Appendage right in front of our faces?

the fallacy of evolution:

Wisdom teeth:

Fallacy: Emerging in adulthood, these teeth are thought to have
served as extra grinding surfaces for early man, who, before the advent
of proper dental care, would most likely have lost many of his teeth by
his mid-twenties.7

Fact: It is common knowledge that our Pirate ancestors ate a diet
much rougher and more manly than our diets today. Also, they tended
to carry their knives set deep in the back of their mouths.8 It is logical,
then, that they'd need extra teeth.

male nipples:

Fallacy: Scientists believe that all humans had breasts—or "dugs"—
back in the Stone Age.

Fact: Male nipples were used by Pirates as portable weather stations.
With their nipples they were able to determine the direction of the
trade winds and, depending on stiffness, how cold it was outside

The appendix:

Fallacy: This is a remnant of an internal pouch used to ferment the
hard-to-digest plant diets of our ancestors.
Fact: The appendix was a clever internal pouch utilized for hiding a
Pirate's gold. It is also the inspiration for the saying "cough it up,"
which Pirates would demand of defeated Pirates once they'd boarded
their ships.

Pirates, as you know, are His Chosen People. Yet their numbers have
been shrinking ever since the 1800s. Consequently, we find that global
warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct
result of the shrinking number of Pirates. There is a statistically significant inverse relationship between Pirates and global temperature.

that is all for now, my fellow pirates. but fear not for He is with you always. His noodly appendage will always be with you if you just believe! i shall return once i have escaped my deadly ninja pursuers.