Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory.

KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution
in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science
curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists
from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting
that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have
responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

"Things
fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but
because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down,"
said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied
Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is
founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual
force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force.
Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend
upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in
vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of
evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation
of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!,
there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity
alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended
into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other
Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school
curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They
insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from
schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so
they can make an informed decision."

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories
used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally
consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's
ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum
mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that
gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory
Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the
blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some
gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we
read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.'
If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards
with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence
governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable
law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical
physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's
mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's
general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr.
Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work
with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the
better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical
observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how
gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda
scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are
just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides
an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the
'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear
force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt
their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers
of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified
force is: His name is Jesus."

note: parody.