Religion- I am... Why?

I am a Pastafarian, one of an ancient line of pirates that ruled the seas and drank copious amounts of rum on our days off. We have a knack for finding treasure and are always on the lookout for our ancient enemies: ninja. Our Lord, the FSM, has set these rules out for us to follow in order to reach beer mountain.

1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like A Sanctimonious, Holier-Than-
Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't
Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't
About Them So Don't Change The Subject.

2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress,
Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To
Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not
People.

3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or
How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay?
Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person.
Samey-Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking
About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some
Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal And Fuchsia.

4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself,
Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental
Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is
Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They
Can Turn Off The TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.

5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist,
Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After
The B******.
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/
Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money
Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):

A. Ending Poverty
B. Curing Diseases
C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And LoweringThe Cost Of Cable. I Might Be A Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy
The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM The Creator.

7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You.
You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love
Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?

8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have
Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot Of
Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It, However
(Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of
Mike, Wear A CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece Of Rubber. If I Didn't
Want It To Feel Good When You Did IT I Would Have Added Spikes, Or
Something.

Woodite.

http://edwood.org

WE, THE WOODITES OF THE WORLD, WE WHO PROCLAIM WOODISM AS OUR OFFICIAL RELIGION, DO HEREBY STATE FAITH IN THE FOLLOWING BELIEFS:

1) That Ed Wood was sent to earth from God to preach social, political, emotional, and spiritual messages within his films. He died to give us his films, which act as parables to us. He died for his art, his films, his dreams, and for our own betterment and as such we feel that he should be looked upon as "A" savior and worshiped accordingly.

2) That by following Ed Wood's example, we can all learn to be ourselves, our true inner selves which we hide so many times from the public.

3) That every person's entire self, what we know to be an ONTOS, cannot be held down by one certain set of rules as most mainstream religions believe.

4) As a Woodite, I reserve the right to decide for myself and my own ontos what is morally right and wrong and as such, I am willing to fight against any one body, organization, or religion who believes they must force their own moral rules on me.

5) That since Ed Wood will forgive sins at any time, anywhere, you do not need to be in front of a priest in a church to be forgiven. Therefore, the Catholic and Christian act of confession is not needed. However, since man inherently has problems with the concept known as "blind faith" and as such, we reserve the right to use the act of INDULGENCES rather than confessions to stand as proof that a sin has been forgiven.

6) That Ed Wood did what he wanted to do to make himself happy during his short time on this earth and as such we Woodites of the world do hereby proclaim that life is short and everyone should try and make the best of what you're given with and try to make yourselves happy at all times.

7) That a sin is any negative act that makes another person feel upset. There are no seven deadly sins and a single sin will not send you to Hell as you were forced to believe as a child.

8) That the non-believers of the world not cast judgment upon us. We do not ask you to believe in what we believe in. We merely ask that you respect the fact that we Woodites believe in it.

9) That the Bible, although it is a fine spiritual guide, cannot be taken as the universal moral guide of society. Although it is a nice book to read and gain spiritual guidance from, it cannot be used as a moral guide to derive laws from. It contains numerous irrelevant personal beliefs that have no basis in our modern lives.

10) That since Ed Wood accepted anyone into his life, we too accept anyone, regardless of race, gender, or sexual preference, that everyone in society is equal because of this, and that ANYONE WHO THINKS DIFFERENTLY is just plain mean.

11) That life and death isn't an matter of life and death, that everyone should learn to just calm down, slow down, enjoy life, and have a fun ass time living a good life while it's here for us to live for future events such as these will effect us in the future.