Parenting difference of opinion
Mrs.Vader-BN0
2012/08/19 11:56:02
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The situation: 16 year old Teen stays up til 1:30 am painting her nails and reading. Reading is a good thing, we love it when our kids read, but she was yawning, foul and cranky the next day day, taking her foul mood out on all of us (except my husband who wasn't home). I asked her to not stay up late reading the next night so she could be well rested the next day because we had somewhere to go first thing in the morning.
Husband says as long as she is reading, it doesn't matter what time she goes to bed. Says I have no right to tell a 16 year old to go to bed early; she's too old for that. He said her tiredness and foul temper isn't a good enough excuse to make that request, especially if she's staying up late because she is reading. If we didn't like her attitude, then that was our problem not hers.
I say that I give her lots of freedom and choices and never ask her to actually go to bed early, so the fact that I did it this time, should indicate how much I felt she needed it. I also say that as a parent, I have a right to request any child under my roof not stay up late. Yes, reading is important, but my kids have many, many, many opportunities to and getting a decent night's sleep is just as important, maybe more so because the teen in question suffers from chronic depression.
So the question is, Is it okay to ask your 16 year old to please go to bed early if it's obvious they did not get enough sleep the night before?
Husband says as long as she is reading, it doesn't matter what time she goes to bed. Says I have no right to tell a 16 year old to go to bed early; she's too old for that. He said her tiredness and foul temper isn't a good enough excuse to make that request, especially if she's staying up late because she is reading. If we didn't like her attitude, then that was our problem not hers.
I say that I give her lots of freedom and choices and never ask her to actually go to bed early, so the fact that I did it this time, should indicate how much I felt she needed it. I also say that as a parent, I have a right to request any child under my roof not stay up late. Yes, reading is important, but my kids have many, many, many opportunities to and getting a decent night's sleep is just as important, maybe more so because the teen in question suffers from chronic depression.
So the question is, Is it okay to ask your 16 year old to please go to bed early if it's obvious they did not get enough sleep the night before?
Top Opinion
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★earthbound_misfit★ 2012/08/19 12:34:37Other
+5Suggest it and give your reasons why, even though she'll probably reject it. But don't enforce it because ultimately, it's time for her to start making her own decisions in regard to what's best for her body. She needs to figure out her body clock for herself, and also figure out that people don't want to be around her when she's cranky. It's part of growing up.
On school nights I went to bed at 10:00 all the way through high school. If I had something important I needed to stay up late for, my mother decided whether it was something I should have been able to take care of.
P.S. If she's chronically depressed, maybe she needs to be checked out for Bi-Polar. It's MUCH easier to diagnose when someone is hyper.
To fall asleep earlier. If she develops a mood then she can't be with u and the bedroom is a good alternative. If u treat her with respect and that means no yelling then they will
Learn, and it is learned behavior which should have started very young. At 16 she has picked up all the behaviors u taught her. It's not too late but if they took 16 yrs to learn they may take as much time to unlearn and it can only be done by example See my book
Common Sense Pediatrics for Parents.
and raise the concerns you have about what you observe
(in a non-confrontational way) ..
with teens ..
(Sigh .. I've raised my own through those years .. I've got the GREY Hair to prove it too!)
the fact that we can gently broach this subject ..
with concerns about their health and ability to be a good person the next day
(greeting the sunshine with a more positive outlook)
is the way to go ..
(good for you wanting to talk to your teen about this! a bit of good interaction .. in a non-confrontational way .. (for example .. point out that you're so much more able to be positive about your day with a good night's rest) is a good thing. I'd also say that you might want to have a talk with your teen's MD or treatment provider about this staying up late too .. it could be a possible indication that the Treatment for her Depression (moods) is needing to be further tailored so that she can enjoy a better outcome .. )
Call your SPOUSE and let him pick her up and deal with the 'difficulty' .. while you continue on with the outing with your other children!
(now that will get HIS Attention for sure .. and she'll have some quality time with him too!)
You and your husband need to come to an agreement of what time is best for her to go to bed. She should at least get 7 hours of sleep, 8 would be ideal. We need that down time to recoup from all the things that go on in our lives.
Sleep needs remain just as vital to health and well-being for teenagers as when they were younger. It turns out that many teenagers actually may need more sleep than in previous years. Now, however, social pressures conspire against getting the proper amount and quality of sleep.
Even though she is 16 she still needs a full nights sleep. for her health.
I am a teacher and one of the mantas we embrace in education is that students learn by doing not by being told. We can all relate to that idea too as we have had some sort of experience where we learned how to do something by doing it even if we did not do it well, whereas having someone tell us how to do it did not lead to a good understanding or internalizing of the concept.
So just make the consequences clear. You will not accept rudeness or grumpiness, you will ignore it and not engage with her. You will not adjust your schedule to hers so she might have to get her own meal or arrange her own transportation somewhere. She probably feels like crap anyhow but if you tell her she must go to bed early she will want to do the opposite of what you say. Let her figure it out for herself.
Save the my rules under my roof thing for the big stuff where you are trying to keep her safe or you need to assert your own values.
She is likely up until 1:30am because that is her best (or only) 'alone time', when things are quiet in the house and she can just kick back and concentrate on things that are interesting or enjoyable (stress-less) to her. Those two or three hours late at night after everyone else has gone to bed (and are therefore not harassing/nagging her) may well be something that's *alleviating* some of her depression, and without which it might be worse.
I know I myself cherish the two or three hours in the morning I have between about 5:30am and 9am, before everyone else gets up. I don't paint my nails, but I do read and enjoy my coffee and write and think. Everyone needs 'me' time.
Being a 16 year old, I do agree with your husband.
Yes, teens do need more sleep than they usually get. Yes, they are going to stay up way too late sometimes. But I think they should learn their limits while still young and with relatively few obligations. Better to be late to high school than miss an important college exam or be late to work.
When they used to be considered adults, they also used to work full time and were expected to help support the family and being responsible as well, instead of staying up late and wasting time.
It is better to learn some self control in high school so they have enough common sense and responsibility when they actually get to college where they will be no one to baby sit them.