Inspired by the success of the American Writers’ Guild, I am trying to organize a worldwide women’s strike: withholding sex (because, boys, frankly we can do it better ourselves!) I am appealing to all women (and even enlightened men and transgenders) who have been the repeat victims of bad sex.

Apparently, this is a global pandemic because I am getting emails from every continent from sexually frustrated females, married and single!

This is a Call to Non-Action (stock up on your vibrators!) This Strike is for anyone who after a bout of bad sex, has thought to his or her-self, “Wow! That was a complete waste of my time! And now I have to clean my sheets again.” (Think of the environmental impact of washing all those linens!)

I highly suspect the typical male who reads my previous paragraph, will ask himself: “Is there such a thing as ‘bad sex’?” If you have to ask yourself that question, well, you have already proven my point. Yes, we realize men can have “good sex” with an inflatable doll named Betty, sheep, assorted baked goods (reference: the film “American Pie”), banana trees (apparently they do not have sheep in Cuba), and basically, anything resembling a hole. Most women cannot have “good sex” with inanimate objects (unless they have batteries!)

So just in case you are wondering, I have included a little self-test to help you determine if you are a perpetrator of bad sex:

1. Do you often have to get drunk (or high) before you “bust a move”? (NOTE: There is nothing “sexy” about a drunk man—especially, if your partner is not as drunk as you are.) And no, alcohol does not enhance your performance—in fact, it usually has the opposite effect. If you have to drink 6+ beers in order to muster courage in (or out of) the bedroom, then you have self-esteem issues (Paging Dr. Freud!)
2. Do you have to take Viagra to get an erection? (There must be a socio-biological reason men of a certain age are impotent, no? Surely, Nature knows what she is doing by now?)
3. Do you think that the sight of your naked body makes a woman wet? (There are a few exemptions: i.e., in not-so-clinical studies, women seem to respond well to naked men named “Brad Pitt”, “Matthew McCaughney”, and “George Clooney”.)
4. Do you think just because you buy a woman two martini’s at a bar, you are entitled to a blow job? (Dude, you know that would cost you at least a $20 on the street corner! Get realistic! Quit your bitchin’ about buying us drinks! NOTE: Cheap is not sexy. Ever.)
5. In bed, when a woman asks, “What do you like?” Do you answer, “Anything!” or “Everything”? (This suggests that either you have not had sex in such a long time that anything will do—desperation is NEVER sexy—or, you do not have enough experience to know what you like—also NOT SEXY. Know what you like and how to communicate this to your partner, even if you have to resort to sign language or charts.)
6. Do you show up for a “date” wearing jeans, a tee-shirt and (and the kiss of death), a baseball cap? (NOTE: Only professional baseball players are exempt from the Baseball Cap Rule. Know that most women resent having to look and dress like Super Models when you showing up looking like you just woke up. The message this sends to your partner: “I could not be bothered to even try to look good for you.” Need I reference the Gospel according to ZZ Top?)
7. Do you ask a woman before you kiss her? (Asking is not sexy. Just do it!) Confidence is sexy, but know the difference between confidence and arrogance. Reference: Kanye West.


If you answered “Yes”, to any of these questions, then YES, YOU are may be a perpetrator of bad sex. But do not panic: there is help! It starts with AWARENESS of the pandemic of Bad Sex. It helps by communicating with your current (or potential) partner. Here are some valuable (insider) tips:

1. The key to seducing a woman is to make her think SHE is sexy. Then she will FEEL sexy. If she feels sexy, she will respond well to you regardless of your income, body hair (or lack of), or dick-size.
2. The more comfortable a woman is with you outside the bedroom, the more comfortable she will feel in bed. The more comfortable a woman feels in bed, the better the sex for both of you! (In other words, if you make a woman feel self-conscious in bed, such as refer to her feet as “African Feet”—even if they are-- you ruin it for both of you… forever!)
3. You must know the difference between QUALITY and QUANTITY. Quickies are only sexy when performed in outrageous settings (like on public transport or in a hot-air balloon) or prohibited environments (funerals, office supply stock rooms, the National Cathedral, etc.), not on a daily basis.
4. You must know that if your girlfriend wants a three-some, SHE will tell you and you should never bring this topic up within the first 5 months of your dating period.
5. Should you meet a woman open enough to admit she is “bisexual” please know this is not a party-trick, and she is not bi-sexual in order to entertain or please you. If a woman wants a three-some SHE will make it happen. And know that it is only fair that you be open to equal-opportunity three-somes (such as two men and a gal) if you suggest a three-some.
6. If you are unprepared, meaning have no condom, this means you are an idiot. Idiots are NEVER sexy.
7. You must master a sexual gimmick, or “trick”…mine is gin and tonic blowjobs. Be creative! NOTE: Do not use Cinnamon Altoids ever—experiment gone bad. Trust me.
8. Use your business skills in the bedroom: have a standard “ice-breaker”, savvy communication, sales-pitch, confidence, dress-to-impress, make a little investment, etc. because it is all about the PRESENTATION (you can even use power-point, if you must.)
9. You like to play with tools? Then use some tools in (and out of) the bedroom: invest in remote-control vibrating panties. And if you have no idea what I am referring to, you need to do some research!
10. Keep in mind most women, are like engines, and need a spark. Therefore, if a woman acts like a dead horse in bed, this means you are not inspiring her, or possibly she has passed out.

There are hundreds of books and websites that offer all kinds of creative sexual ideas, positions, gadgets, etc. Please do some research before attempting sex again! I strongly suggest you pick up an illustrated version of the “Kama Sutra”, if you are not into reading books. Read some “female” erotica to get an idea as to what language stimulates women (reference: Anais Nin.)

Therefore, I propose we, unsatisfied women (and enlightened men and transgenders), hold out on sex until our partners can prove they have done some homework. Because unlike sports, chess, and video games, when it comes to sex: Practice does NOT necessarily make perfect (reference: speak to any couple married over 3 years.) I promise you that if you can make a woman feel sexy, it is a “win-win” situation. In the meanwhile: No More Bad Sex!