Its Time for a Lesson: History 101

doc moto 2012/08/19 05:54:23

History Lesson!
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it, period. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.
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Top Opinion

  • U-Dog 2012/08/19 06:18:03
    It would be funnier but the simple fact is while the majority of liberals are whiny lazy manipulators and liars something obviously still makes them smart and skilled enough to keep the average conservative on the prior page and looking like a bunch of sweaty idiot Keystone cops.


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  • Gregaj7 2012/08/20 23:58:17
    That "school" needs to truly be decommissioned ASAP!!
  • Bob DiN 2012/08/20 16:49:05
    Bob DiN
    A great history lesson. Now I know why Obama is a girlie-man.
  • Annie~Pro American~Pro Israel 2012/08/20 16:07:11
    Annie~Pro American~Pro Israel
    Bravo, Bravo, simply priceless Doc and that 100% sums it up - the differences between conservatives and liberals via Beer!
  • Kozmo, Kostable of the Kust... 2012/08/19 06:18:35
    Kozmo, Kostable of the Kustodian
    You'd better join Alcoholics Anonymous & a Gym. Pot smokers (are now known to) stay slim & favor vegetarianism (more food available if not fed to livestock).
    I'm a Moderate, a 6-pack & a (medical) gram a week (quit tobacco 14 years ago) is all I need & I walk at least a Marathon in the same time, rain or shine, & if in a hurry, take transit or pedal, can rent/hire a car/truck if needed & volunteer at 6 (Protestant) Churches & a (Sufi) Masjid. Clergy & Brethren appreciate me.
  • doc moto Kozmo, ... 2012/08/19 15:11:38
    doc moto
    There are some that try and do good, better then spitting and just running of the mouth! Keep up the volunteer work and stay safe! I quit smoking back in 1971 and used to run long distances when I was smoking, but then I was a tad younger then; today with over a dozen grandchildren and four greats, just making it a safe place for the rest of the citizens would be our duty... Taking care of the skies and keeping the trails in check and the manipulation down.. Other then that, lets get obummer out and get someone that can balance something in...
  • Bob DiN Kozmo, ... 2012/08/20 17:00:24
    Bob DiN
  • Kozmo, ... Bob DiN 2012/08/21 00:56:11
    Kozmo, Kostable of the Kustodian
  • Bob DiN Kozmo, ... 2012/08/21 02:48:59
    Bob DiN
    Oh Obama isn't a Neanderthal, just a girlie-man.
  • Kozmo, ... Bob DiN 2012/08/21 03:44:48
    Kozmo, Kostable of the Kustodian
    I was born with severe Caetextia (context-blindness, a new term to describe autism) which ALL are susceptible (especially when stressed) on occasion.
    Was unable to tell who you were directing your single word answer toward…
    O'BumPhuck or Me?
    Give credit (& a rave) to you not retaliating (like most tempestuous tea pots here) for my likewise retort.
    Gives one hope that Archie·Bunker·Sore·Asses (submitted to Urban Dictionary, published) will not return the Earth to the Hadean Age 3.8 billion years ago. Sun was only 70% as bright but the dense CO2 kept the young Earth at 200°F.
  • Bob DiN Kozmo, ... 2012/08/21 05:38:34
    Bob DiN
    Obama is a girlie-man.
  • U-Dog 2012/08/19 06:18:03
    It would be funnier but the simple fact is while the majority of liberals are whiny lazy manipulators and liars something obviously still makes them smart and skilled enough to keep the average conservative on the prior page and looking like a bunch of sweaty idiot Keystone cops.


  • Kozmo, ... U-Dog 2012/08/20 05:23:08 (edited)
    Kozmo, Kostable of the Kustodian
    "Wherefore being all of one mind, we do highly resolve that government of the grafted by the grafter for the grafter shall not perish from the earth" - Mark Twain

    "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying all the wrong remedies" Groucho Marx

    "Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that ity bears a very close resemblance to the first" - Ronald Reagan

    "A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead" - Leo Rosten

    'In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character"
    "The Republicans are the party that complains government doesn't work and then get elected and prove it" - P. J. O'Rourke

    "In our age there is no such thing as 'keeping' out of politics'. All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred & schizophrenia"
    - George Orwell
  • Drebi 2012/08/19 06:07:05
    I'm neither angry nor amused. What does that make me?
  • Kenzter Drebi 2012/08/19 06:10:01 (edited)
    An Independent?
  • Kozmo, ... Kenzter 2012/08/19 06:22:01
    Kozmo, Kostable of the Kustodian
    Or a Moderate?
  • doc moto Drebi 2012/08/21 02:40:10
    doc moto
    Human, with some long fuse, no tickle or giggle sensors activated and you might be careful near fires and crossing busy intersections!

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