I am a firm believer in respecting thy toothpaste tube. In fact, if there were a religious cult that were to abide by the strictest of toothpaste usage rules, I would most likely be its god and my wife would most likely represent its anti-Christ.

So, you ask...what is proper toothpaste usage? Allow me to capitulate:

The wrong way, the wife's way
The wife squeezes it from any which way she pleases, top, middle, bottom with complete disregard to the non-uniformity it is causing in the tube. She irrationally believes it doesn't matter where she applies pressure, so long as the toothpaste exits that notoriously small round top and lands on her toothbrush. This small accomplishment, regardless of its long-term impacts, provides her with a satisfactory end result. And far worse than the irresponsible squeezing, is the total disregard for the cap...as though its purpose presupposes her own and is not worthy of its function in life, namely to re-cover the toothpaste tube and prevent bizarre toothpaste crusties and hardening. This, THIS...she always manages to forget, ALWAYS!

This seemingly small and inconsequential act of not replacing the cap, in my opinion is the greatest act of toothpaste blasphemy one can incur. Allow me to explain. The negligence of cap resumption results in the crusty-hardening of her toothpaste changing its intended genetic make-up of a quasi-liquid into a rock-hard solid. Then, when she returns to brush her teeth at a later time and attempts to use her toothpaste, she has to squeeze the ever loving sh!t out of it just to create enough momentum so that the quasi-liquid toothpaste can break through past the crusty-rock-hard toothpaste. This has the potential for two catastrophic results:

Catastrophic Result One (1)
The pressure from her squeeze is so great that the small rock-hard toothpaste, which has now essentially replaced the cap's function of covering the toothpaste, flies forward at speeds so unsafe that small children should not be near. This crusty-rock-hard piece of paste is then jettisoned towards the mirror while the quasi-liquid toothpaste follows closing behind it, shooting out at all over the counter leaving a major mess and wasting perfectly good toothpaste.

Catastrophic Result Two (2)
She manages to apply minimal pressure allowing the crusty-rock-hard toothpaste to move up and over just enough to allow the quasi-liquid toothpaste to get through. However, when these two non-amicable forces meet a bizarre toothpaste bubbling ensues, which when left uncleaned (which is always the case) results in only a stronger more fierce crusty-rock-hard toothpaste cap thereby increasing the likelihood of Catastrophic Result One (1) taking place.

Now, is it just me, or does anyone else see the counterproductive nature of such actions?


The right way, the Adi way =)
I, on the other hand, squeeze from the bottom of the tube, so as to ensure that I utilize every every last bit. As the toothpaste tube flattens on the bottom end, I proceed to fold it, thereby increasing toothpaste productivity by orders of magnitude. And I, of course, screw the top back on my toothpaste tube to avoid the horrific crusty-rock-hardening that my wife seems to look forward to so much.

You see, I respect the toothpaste and think of it as my super hero sidekick in cavity, gingivitis, and plaque fighting. For that matter, I treat my electric toothbrush with the same level of respect (I won't even go into how sorry I feel for my wife's toothbrush..the poor fella never had a chance; we nicknamed it buckwheat, if you can imagine such frayed edges).

Conclusion
There was only one logical solution to these distasteful actions....purchase separate toothpaste tubes.

While I recognize that its not a cost-efficient strategy, it offers a multitude of benefits, least of which is me keeping my sanity!

A Request to My Fellow SodaHeads
This blog is a fun-spirited rant on the funny little things in life that you notice. Share your toothpaste stories with me. Tell me, am I mad or am I sane? Are there others out there with spouses that indulge in bizarre bathroom behavior?