I'm afraid to get a job
- 2009/11/30 00:55:24
- Read all 52 opinions
Since I was a little kid, having a job seemed like a scary thing, but I figured that by the time I had to get one, I'd grow out of that fear. I was also afraid of going to college but when that time came it wasn't a problem at all.
In fact, I have had a job before. Two, in fact, and nothing went particularly wrong at them. Yet during those times, pretty much all I thought about was dreading going to work next. When I was on the job, the fear wasn't usually so bad as long as I was doing something, but even working for just four hours made me feel trapped and panicked pretty quickly.
So what exactly is it that stresses me out so much about work? I'm not afraid of going to school for as many hours (though I still hate it). I think that, perhaps, it is the thought that I /have/ to be there from a certain time to another time on particular days that generates the overwhelming feeling of panic and of being trapped. Another factor is the fear of failure, and also the uncertainty of what exactly I'm going to be doing on any particular day (though working as a cashier was pretty routine). Or perhaps, it's just that it all seems so professional and official; I'm not just doing favors for friends any more.
Last summer, I tried volunteering, teaching English as a second language. This still scared me a good deal, but not as much as working for pay since it felt more like I was just doing someone a favor, thus it was no big deal if I screwed up or couldn't make it. However, this also turned into something where I felt trapped that I was expected to be there every day for a certain period of time.
It's not like I can just ignore this problem; working is a pretty big deal. Heck, getting a job is pretty much essential to living. Actually, getting a job pretty much IS living. So far, everything I've done, elementary school - high school, and now college has been in preparation for getting a job, one that I'll be doing for most of the rest of my life. Don't tell me that I just need to find a job that I like; it doesn't
matter what I'm doing, the very state of being employed is what scares
me. I don't know what I'd even be working for anyway; to continue living? To enjoy my time off? I'm hardly even capable of enjoying what used to be my favorite things or the company of friends any more.
The only reason I'm in college now is to put off getting a job (and my parents are making me). And yet, now I can hardly get my work done for college either. But what do you expect? My only motivation is to put off getting a job which everything I do is working toward anyway.
And you wonder why I'm depressed. Life is work and I'm terrified of work. I can't very well live off my parents all my life. Would they even let me? And what girl would date a guy who is afraid to work and shows no sign of moving away from his parents?
As of now, my only option seems to be to just keep going with college and once again hope I grow out of this fear. I can't say I'm very hopeful.
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