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"I was raped" - "No, we had sex"

deBrice 2012/04/05 21:11:43
It was a rape
They just had sex
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I was at an interesting presentation on sexual assault yesterday, and a case was brought up about a date rape situation.

The girl messages the guy she's been on a couple dates with to come over. He brings some beers. They play video games, order a pizza. They're making out, wrestling, end up on the bed.

She says stop and he stops immediately and sits on the edge of the bed, and then she tickles him. They're tickling each other, she says stop again, and again, he stops and backs off. This happens a few times.

So, they've just started and she lets out a week little stop, but she's said it like 5 times just playing right? So he doesn't stop and she doesn't say it again.

And then she told her friend that he raped her.

To me, I'm thinking, she's established 'stop' as being meaningless. If she wanted him to stop, saying 'no, really, get off me' would be a logical follow up, not just using the same word you've used 5 times while playing around and only once and dropping it.

What do you think? Does it sound like rape? like she just felt guilty about the drunk hook up? Or maybe she's right to feel that way, but he didn't really do anything wrong?

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Top Opinion

  • Linkums 2012/04/05 21:59:11
    Undecided
    Linkums
    +4
    These situations are really hard to determine... and thus I am undecided. xD

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  • Anna 2012/05/10 22:30:46
    Undecided
    Anna
    Normally I'm all for defending a victim, but I would of had to see this first hand to make a call. She kept crying wolf and than getting back to it, sending lots of very mixed signals. I can understand why the guy assumed as he did, and if she did't protest afterwards.Some boundaries should have been placed beforehand. Honestly, it kind of sounds like she set the guy up in order to get a rape story to bandy about.
  • Eden Andalus 2012/05/10 20:29:06
    They just had sex
    Eden Andalus
    She's the girl who cried "Wolf!" five times already…c'mon!
  • Savious 2012/04/09 18:14:19
    Undecided
    Savious
    +1
    I think there needs to be a different term for it than rape. To most, the word rape conjures up visions of a violent interaction; where one individual forcibly abducts, and then forces themselves onto the other. It involves a lot of physical altercation, pain, and subsequently bruising or even broken bones.

    In this scenario, none of that happened.

    Secondly; in many studies; rape has ranked in the top ten of female sexual fantasies; and yes guys do know this.

    I firmly believe, that in each and every situation, there are three realities, because your perception of the event is reality.

    Did he see her weak “stop” as her playing around more, or something akin to a rape fantasy? We don’t know.

    Did she feel that if she screamed out stop, or hit him, that he would become violent, and therefore felt capitulation was her best course of action to prevent injury? Again, we don’t know.

    What we do know, is that he wasn’t some stranger off the street, who stalked her to her house, broke in, beat her to a pulp, then tied her up to have his way with her.

    Was what happened wrong? Well if she truly felt as though she didn’t have a choice in the sexual encounter, then yes it was wrong. But on the other hand, did he have nefarious motives in mind when he went to her house, thinking ...



    I think there needs to be a different term for it than rape. To most, the word rape conjures up visions of a violent interaction; where one individual forcibly abducts, and then forces themselves onto the other. It involves a lot of physical altercation, pain, and subsequently bruising or even broken bones.

    In this scenario, none of that happened.

    Secondly; in many studies; rape has ranked in the top ten of female sexual fantasies; and yes guys do know this.

    I firmly believe, that in each and every situation, there are three realities, because your perception of the event is reality.

    Did he see her weak “stop” as her playing around more, or something akin to a rape fantasy? We don’t know.

    Did she feel that if she screamed out stop, or hit him, that he would become violent, and therefore felt capitulation was her best course of action to prevent injury? Again, we don’t know.

    What we do know, is that he wasn’t some stranger off the street, who stalked her to her house, broke in, beat her to a pulp, then tied her up to have his way with her.

    Was what happened wrong? Well if she truly felt as though she didn’t have a choice in the sexual encounter, then yes it was wrong. But on the other hand, did he have nefarious motives in mind when he went to her house, thinking to himself that if she didn’t give it up, that he would simply take it; probably not.

    Therefore, is it reasonable to say, that this incident falls into the realm of a tragedy; where one felt and believed they were acting within the normal bounds of society, where the other did not?

    One thing is for sure though; it wasn’t a stranger off the street, who stalked her to her house, broke in, beat her to a pulp, then tied her up to have his way with her.
    (more)
  • deBrice Savious 2012/04/10 14:13:15
    deBrice
    I totally agree with your point. There is a lot of unknown but when you listen to the story the guy does not sound like a rapist.
  • hari 2012/04/06 08:20:12
    They just had sex
    hari
    +1
    sex is not the game like tickling ...... when both becomes horny , may be she intended to have orgasm . In this case , instead of screaming with sweet pain she said stop but its clear case of willingness of both and not the rape
  • Leah 2012/04/06 02:02:01
    It was a rape
    Leah
    She said "stop" 5 times. Why didn't he stop?
  • jackie Leah 2012/04/06 12:49:06
    jackie
    You misread. He did over and over again. But everytime she said stop afterward she wanted to continue.
  • Leah jackie 2012/04/06 18:41:39
    Leah
    No, he stopped tickling her when she told him to stop. When he was having sex with her, she was saying stop, and he didn't stop.
  • jackie Leah 2012/04/06 18:50:42 (edited)
    jackie
    +1
    She only said stop a weak one time when they started to do it. She said stop like 5 (andmore) time before and they started playing again. Then they were having sex and the man must of mistaken her one whisper "stop" as a sign of just playing. After all she cried wolf so many times. If she seriously didn't want to have sex they wouldn't be in the bed she would tell him to leave.
  • Níl mé ... jackie 2012/04/06 23:31:44
    Níl mé leat
    +1
    Inviting someone over, having a few drinks, and tickling is not an invitation to have sex.
  • jackie Níl mé ... 2012/04/06 23:37:40
    jackie
    Inviting a boyfriend over and taking it to the bed? Maybe she should of made her self clear instead of laying down and having sex with him.
  • Níl mé ... jackie 2012/04/07 00:06:52
    Níl mé leat
    +1
    ... ... ...So a girl can not invite a guy over without it leading to sex? That is what you are leading to?
  • jackie Níl mé ... 2012/04/07 00:13:34 (edited)
    jackie
    If you invite some guy to your bed then you need to make your intentions clear.
  • Níl mé ... jackie 2012/04/07 01:19:36
    Níl mé leat
    +1
    She said no. That was clear.
  • jackie Níl mé ... 2012/04/07 01:24:50
    jackie
    She stop like 10 times before. And continued every single time. That's past the point of seriousness. Now I will say it again if she really wanted him to stop she would tell him to get out.
  • Níl mé ... jackie 2012/04/07 02:06:34
    Níl mé leat
    +1
    I'm done trying to get you to understand that sometimes people do not had a "typical" reaction to situations like this. I consider this rape and I gave my reasons, you don't and you gave yours. We can agree to disagree and be done with it.
  • deBrice Níl mé ... 2012/04/09 17:26:40
    deBrice
    I might be playing devils' advocate here but, when you are dating someone, inviting this person in your bed and playing "tickling" like that can easily be miss-interpreted.
  • jackie 2012/04/05 22:57:50
    They just had sex
    jackie
    +1
    Ah. If a girl was being raped he would yell scream and fight. Not say stop over and over and over again. Then say "stop..." and just lay down and take it. Its like she wish she got raped.
  • Níl mé ... jackie 2012/04/06 23:30:33
    Níl mé leat
    +1
    Some people react by yelling and fighting when they are in a rape situation and some do not. Just because you don't fight off a mugger does that mean you weren't mugged? Just because you don't cry at a funeral does that mean you aren't sad? Not everyone has a "typical" reaction.
  • jackie Níl mé ... 2012/04/06 23:38:38
    jackie
    Who are these "some people"?
  • vannuck 2012/04/05 22:43:41 (edited)
    Undecided
    vannuck
    +1
    hard to tell....

    Females when you say "NO" or "STOP" let it mean "NO" or "STOP" or Open your mouths and say what you wanna do and mean it.

    also establish the Bounderies before hand....its not going to ruin the moment to take 2-3 minutes to say whats on the table and what your saving for later.
  • Jackie G - Poker Playing Pa... 2012/04/05 22:32:26
    They just had sex
    Jackie G - Poker Playing Patriot
    Sounds like sex not rape
  • Mark In Irvine 2012/04/05 22:22:46 (edited)
    They just had sex
    Mark In Irvine
    +1
    "... he doesn't stop and she doesn't say it again."

    i think it was just sex ...
  • Linkums 2012/04/05 21:59:11
    Undecided
    Linkums
    +4
    These situations are really hard to determine... and thus I am undecided. xD
  • kcandi 2012/04/05 21:48:45
    They just had sex
    kcandi
    If she didn't want to "do it" then she should have removed herself from the situation the first time she said no.
  • Christopher101 2012/04/05 21:48:06
    They just had sex
    Christopher101
    Not the first time I've heard of false rape stories. Some females make me wonder.
  • Steve 2012/04/05 21:46:44
    Undecided
    Steve
    +1
    Her side of the story might be different. "Consent" can sometimes be pretty ambiguous when it comes to sexuality. Longer foreplay might have helped communications about expectations.

    Seems having your smart phone set to record the whole evening might be necessary these days.
  • Níl mé leat 2012/04/05 21:45:18
    It was a rape
    Níl mé leat
    +1
    I would consider it rape. The way I would interpret is thus: when she said stop the other times it was like she was saying "what we are doing now is getting close to pushing my limits so let's not do that and move on to something less intense". She said stop before intercourse occurred, he should have stopped. There could be any number of reasons why she said nothing after that last "stop", whatever the reason she still said stop. There are plenty of situation in which someone is raped yet they saying nothing further or fight back because they think it would make the situation worse or more dangerous or they are in a state of confusion or are unsure if they want to continue further.
  • deBrice Níl mé ... 2012/04/05 23:19:17 (edited)
    deBrice
    First, it seems that the guy obeyed each time she said stop and didn't put any bad pressure, second, she admit herself that it's her that took him back into the same game, and third she didn't say "stop" ever again while he demonstrated before that saying clearly stop would make him stop. I can understand that the last time he may have thought that she simply changed her mind, and the "weak" stop makes it sounds like something he might not have heard.
  • Níl mé ... deBrice 2012/04/05 23:34:02 (edited)
    Níl mé leat
    +1
    Okay, but just because he stopped the other times does not mean he is automatically incapable of committing rape. She inviting him over and initiating the whole tickling thing is not an invitation to have intercourse. Once again, sometimes a person will not say anything else or fight back if they feel it will make the situation worse or more harmful.

    I understand what you are saying that maybe he did not hear that last "weak" stop but only he can say for sure if he heard it or not. The question asked "what do you think" and I think the situation can be called rape but I (or anyone else) cannot say for sure it is just like I (or anyone else) cannot say for sure it isn't. There isn't enough information as it is a third party source and I am simply going off the information presented.
  • jackie Níl mé ... 2012/04/06 12:53:04
    jackie
    Well she met the man, talk to him, got drunk with him, went to her place, played around on the couch, went to her bedroom. Yea it really didn't sound like she thought her life was in danger with him.
  • Jana~ una chica loca 2012/04/05 21:25:02
    They just had sex
    Jana~ una chica loca
    +2
    she called him over the first time, after that many times of her saying stop for no reason he had the right to think it was meaningless. definitely not a rape
  • deBrice 2012/04/05 21:17:31
    They just had sex
    deBrice
    +1
    It's hard to tell on this story. I would define "rape" as more violent and forced act. So I wouldn't say she got raped in this case.
  • Fingon Celebrindal 2012/04/05 21:17:29
    Undecided
    Fingon Celebrindal
    +3
    I am undecided, may be the girl really was in some distress and the she needed the guy to stop. What I am however pretty sure is that the guy is a complete idiot for wasting his precious time on this girl.

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