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How do I express to my boyfriend that I'm upset? READ BELOW BEFORE ANSWERING PLEASE!

OLiViA 2009/09/12 12:04:35
I really need advice here. I recently got into a fight with my boyfriend and it was pretty bad. I tend to be the kind of person who bottles things up on the spot because I dont want to deal with my emotions then and there, but then that makes me really quiet and distant. Then my boyfriend will ask me to talk to him about it but I dont know how to. I hate making my boyfriend feel like he's done something wrong because it makes me really sad, but if I dont say anything at all he wont know why im upset in the future. I let things build and then one little thing might happen and I get so upset that sometimes I cant look at him because I let things snowball into a bigger issue than it may have been. ADVICE PLEASE!
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  • Mejink 2009/09/20 13:54:46
    Mejink
    Ok... if he's still with you, it can't have been that bad. You need to talk to him about whatever bothered you to begin with. So, write a letter about how you feel. Then re-read it. Take out anything that distracts from the issue or doesn't relate to it (low jabs). For instance, if you are mad because you feel he is distant or doesn't spend enough time with you, don't point out how he never takes out the garbage or how you're sick of watching Star Trek re-runs. He will just be confused. Don't beat around the bush or try to hide the real reason you are upset in a bunch of hocus-pocus, because then he won't know what to fix. Just tell him what's up. You owe it both to himself and to you.
  • OLiViA Mejink 2009/09/23 05:07:05
    OLiViA
    thanks but the issues been dealt with.
  • OLiViA 2009/09/17 09:53:54
    OLiViA
    THANKS EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME ADVICE! IM REALLY GLAD TO KNOW PEOPLE CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE ENOUGH TO HELP ON THIS SITE. .
    ANYWAY,
    EVERYTHING WORKED OUT IN MY RELATIONSHIP AND I CAN SAY WE'RE MUCH STRONGER NOW!
    THANKS TO EVERYONE AGAIN!

    <3 OLIVIA
  • hatshepsut123 2009/09/17 00:12:33
    hatshepsut123


    read this, it will help you A LOT.
  • Whackoslovakian ⇜ǷђÀ3†⇝ 2009/09/14 23:43:35
    Whackoslovakian  ⇜ǷђÀ3†⇝
    Literally. Talk to him. About everything. You have to communicate no matter how hard it is or you will fuck yourself or your relationship over lol
  • California Hippie Chic 2009/09/12 19:53:02
    California Hippie Chic
    +1
    I think you know the answer, and it looks like many of the people who have responded to your question have given you some good advice. Communicate with your boyfriend and not procrastinate when you have a problem you need to discuss.

    Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. I know from my own experience how tough it can be to talk about stuff I am upset about. It involves a lot of emotions and it takes courage, but I think you might find it easier to just talk things out than to wait until it becomes a larger problem.

    I have learned to talk about my feelings and stuff, and I am now enjoying a wonderful relationship with a great guy! Ifeel secure in my relationship because I *know* I can talk to him about anything and not worry that he will try to use it against me, or even leave me. If he was like that, I wouldn't be with him!

    It takes two... you to be open and honest, yet compassionate and interested in what he has to say, and him to do the same.

    Remember, stewing anger makes for a pot full of poison!
  • OLiViA Califor... 2009/09/13 07:13:00
    OLiViA
    +1
    thank you so much!
    fortunately im with someone who i know wouldnt leave me if i brought up a problem. its not that im afraid he'll leave me, its just hard to talk about things that hurt me. i love him and i dont wanna make him feel bad thats why i sometimes just dont say anything, but then it causes more problems cuz i let things brew.
    thanks again for your insight. its a big help! good luck with your relationship!
    =)
  • Califor... OLiViA 2009/09/13 18:13:46
    California Hippie Chic
    You're a sweet girl, Olivia. Thanks. (:
  • OLiViA Califor... 2009/09/13 07:19:40
    OLiViA
    +1
    i actually want to know what you think about something else.

    what do i do when i wanna talk about something thats bothering me in the moment but its not a good place like its in public or something? should i wait and bring it up later? or should i just mention it right then and there?
    i dont know. i really appreciated your advice so i thought i'd ask for a little more. i would love to know what you think. =)
    thanks.
  • Califor... OLiViA 2009/09/13 18:13:46
    California Hippie Chic
    That's OK, I don't mind. (:

    But I wanted to let you know I am not going to be home for most of day today, but when I do get home I will try to give you an answer, OK?
  • Califor... Califor... 2009/09/13 23:58:11
    California Hippie Chic
    If something is bothering me at a time and/or place where it wouldn't be appropriate to bring it up for discussion, I just wait until later, but not *too* much later.

    Say you and your date are at dinner with some friends, and your date does something that bothers you, or that you think is in bad taste or something like that. You don't want to bring it up right then and there because you might embarrass him and put him on the defensive. That could lead to an even more embarrassing scene! Instead, just file it away until you the first opportunity to talk about it in private, like on the way home in the car.

    But, you should probably wait even longer to bring it up if your date is in a bad mood. If he is already upset by something even totally unrelated, he might suddenly become defensive when you confront him with the earlier issue at dinner. Defensive people rarely listen to logic. (;

    While you are waiting for the opportunity to talk to him about whatever it was that bothered you, you can take that time to think the incident through, and judge whether or not it really is something that bothers you and needs to be addressed, or if it was something that just sort of bothered you at the moment, and maybe really isn't such a big deal after all. If it *does* need to be brought ...







    If something is bothering me at a time and/or place where it wouldn't be appropriate to bring it up for discussion, I just wait until later, but not *too* much later.

    Say you and your date are at dinner with some friends, and your date does something that bothers you, or that you think is in bad taste or something like that. You don't want to bring it up right then and there because you might embarrass him and put him on the defensive. That could lead to an even more embarrassing scene! Instead, just file it away until you the first opportunity to talk about it in private, like on the way home in the car.

    But, you should probably wait even longer to bring it up if your date is in a bad mood. If he is already upset by something even totally unrelated, he might suddenly become defensive when you confront him with the earlier issue at dinner. Defensive people rarely listen to logic. (;

    While you are waiting for the opportunity to talk to him about whatever it was that bothered you, you can take that time to think the incident through, and judge whether or not it really is something that bothers you and needs to be addressed, or if it was something that just sort of bothered you at the moment, and maybe really isn't such a big deal after all. If it *does* need to be brought up, then you can plan how you will present it to him, and think of answers to questions he may ask, like "Why does one little fart at a dinner table in a fine restaurant bother you so much that you feel the need to talk to me about it?"

    I hope this helps! Sometimes it *does* pay to wait before you talk with someone about what bothers you, but you really don't want to wait *too* long. But I think the best advice I can give you is to try to see things from the other person's point of view. You know, "put yourself in their shoes". My boyfriend is really good at that, and so when we talk about stuff like this I find him to be very compassionate about how *I* feel.

    Anyways, I am rambling on and on....

    Good luck Olivia!

    XXOO
    (more)
  • MOM - LOL@Silly.St.Sarah.of... 2009/09/12 12:48:33
    MOM - LOL@Silly.St.Sarah.of.Wasilly
    +1
    Well, you are on the right track!
    You recognize you have a problem expressing your upset and anger in a timely fashion! So now sit down, in a nice, non-confrontational manner, with your boyfriend, and explain the same thing as you have done so eloquently, here in your blog. Ask him to help you be better able to communicate these frustrations, between the two of you, before they become disproportional! You might find he has similar problems....

    Good luck to you!
  • OLiViA MOM - L... 2009/09/13 07:15:24
    OLiViA
    +1
    thank you so much for your response. its a great help to me and i know what i need to do. thanks again!
  • MOM - L... OLiViA 2009/09/13 07:20:55
    MOM - LOL@Silly.St.Sarah.of.Wasilly
    +1
    My pleasure.
  • NyghtZtalker 2009/09/12 12:40:09
    NyghtZtalker
    stop bottling up your feelings. one of the best things for a relationship is communication. if you keep distancing yourself then sooner or later you will push him away
  • OLiViA NyghtZt... 2009/09/12 12:46:21
    OLiViA
    thanks. youre absolutely right and i definitely dont wanna push him away.
  • NyghtZt... OLiViA 2009/09/12 12:49:47
    NyghtZtalker
    yeah me and my ex had that problem early on but i didnt want to push her away so whenever we had 'cuddle time' we would talk and talk and try to keep it calm. the biggest thing is having all the conversations you need wit ou the other person getting mad
  • Dark Demonic™ ★ The Original SodaHead Guru ★
    +1
    You don't need any advice. You know what you do and you know how to stop doing it. You said it in your description above. You just need to take that step. Once you have, you'll feel better and be growing as a person. Open up to him. It's never as hard as you imagine. :o)
  • OLiViA Dark De... 2009/09/12 12:21:39
    OLiViA
    +1
    youre right thank you.
  • Dark De... OLiViA 2009/09/12 12:25:53
    Dark Demonic™ ★ The Original SodaHead Guru ★
    +1
    You're welcome. :o)

    I hope it works itself out for you.
  • sky blue pink - American 2009/09/12 12:18:33
    sky blue pink - American
    Don't be afraid to talk to your boyfriend. If the problem involves him by all means speak up so he can try to fix the problem. I do and yes we argue but the matter at the time gets resolved.
    Blessed Be !
  • OLiViA sky blu... 2009/09/12 12:20:20 (edited)
    OLiViA
    thank you that really helps. i have to work on saying what im feeling at that moment rather than suppressing it.
  • sky blu... OLiViA 2009/09/12 13:21:14
    sky blue pink - American
    You are very Welcome . I'm wishing you the best.
    Blessed Be !
  • TD 2009/09/12 12:11:06
    TD
    +1
    My advice would be to just say what's on your mind at the time and get it over with...letting it stew and brew only makes it worse and if he did do somehting that you didn't particularly like, he'll do it again because you didn't speak up about it the first time and when and if he does, you can't blame him....
  • OLiViA TD 2009/09/12 12:17:34
    OLiViA
    i know i should just speak up right away but i hate bringing up something that will make him feel sad. thats why i tend to hold back.. but i guess that hurts even more in the long run.
    THANKS.

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