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Hackers for Jesus Crash 300 Porno Sites!

Radical Ed 2012/08/14 11:24:43
down with porn!
they took my favourite one...
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IA-- Satan got cyber-slammed this week when Landover Baptist hackers raided
over 300 of America's most explicit "special interest" pornography websites.
81-year-old Helen Floribunda, group leader for the 17 hackers recruited
for the "Scat and Golden Shower" team, recounted: "With the Sword of Christ,
my 15-year-old grandson Gil would break into a site and then the rest of
us would do the Lord's work on their possessed server." Mrs. Floribunda's
team would then transfer usernames, passwords and all credit card information
to optical disks. "We would then download all those nasty pictures – Lord
knows you wouldn't believe some of what we saw! – and place pictures of
Bibles over the naughty parts – there was some folks that needed a whole
shelf of Good Books – add some words of Scripture and upload them back
onto the demon's server before anyone knew what hit them."

For the first time ever, decent Christians were able to get into
the most notoriously pornographic sites and bring Christ's Good News to
pictures of shocking depravity. Mrs. Florence Jenkins, 63, team captain
of the "Animal Husbandry" brigade crowed: "Next time some unchristian pervert
goes looking for a GIF of a donkey doing what he oughtn't, the words of
our Precious Savior will flash across his screen and lead him out of darkness.
Jesus will touch him before he can even touch himself!"

A separate room was set up for the Ladies of Landover to run through
the subscriber lists and credit card information. Each subscriber received
a phone call to their home with a heartfelt rebuke and a $29.95 recurring
charge for Jesus. "If they can afford to waste that kind of money on trash
not fit for human eyes," said volunteer-hacker Mrs. Pauline Germann, 57,
"they can certainly afford to help us with some new slate tiles for the
middle-school roof." It is worth noting that a careful review of the downloaded
subscriber lists to pinkystinky.com, Niggapussy.com and ClittyTorture.Com
led to the immediate expulsion of 48 church members and the firing of Pastor's
secretary, Mrs. Hawthorne."

The captain of the "Thai Boys" team reported that over 20 of the raunchiest
adult websites that were hacked where thrown offline – to the cheers of
Christians gathered around 142 monitors set up in Landover's Christian
Convention Center. "Christians were jamming up the lines with so much network
traffic downloading images, it blew out 10 servers," Pastor Deacon Fred
noted with pride. "I tell, you we was hopping for Jesus when each one came
crashing down! Praise the Lord!"

Several of the teenage boys recruited because of their computer expertise
disclosed in vivid detail the startling facts about what they had witnessed
as soon as they managed to break through firewalls and security coding.
"Gosh, unsaved folks are like really into bestiality and stuff," Jerry
Jordon, 16, said. "They call it farm sex just to make it sound like it
might be 'OK' but it was amazing." One hacker reported that he had viewed
over 10,000 photos in almost 15 hours of continuous downloadings. "I really
lost count after downloading 100 series of pics. I had to empty the
web cache ten times in order to keep doing the Lord's work," he said.
"We were supposed to download the images and modify them with the good
news that everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus is going to hell, but I
just kept thinking to myself, 'if God could allow me to permanently remove
these pictures from the internet and store them on my hard drive, nobody
would ever be able to see them, and I could eventually delete them when
I was sure I had enough."

Church pastors and deacons around the country were amazed at how professional
and effective the Landover Baptist "Wake Up America" campaign had been.
"It was nice to see True Christians take a stand for morality and decency,"
said Reverend Jerry Falwell during his guest spot as a referee on the Jerry
Springer Show. "And I certainly appreciated the list of AMEX numbers that
the Lord called me to look to as an eager well for thirsty tithes. It comforts
me to know that every dollar that goes to my ministry will be one less
dollar some poor lost soul will have to spend on the Devil's filth."

"This was a class act operation," said Brother Harry Hardwick. "I had
a pastor friend of mine in Des Moines tell me that one gentleman in his
congregation had even organized the photos and videos into neat little
folders with the names of each sin on top." There are reports coming in
from all over that church-goers are sending millions of photos through
e-mail and posting them in newsgroups just to give fellow brothers and
sisters the upper hand in dismantling Satan's plans.

"If one person looking for pornographic pictures is confronted with
the message of Christ and gets saved, the Bible tells us that angels in
heaven will rejoice," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "I know of at least 1,200
instances where our righteous computer whizzes replaced the pornographic
image of bare, naked breasts with the wholesome image of Jesus Christ writhing
and bleeding on a cross. Praise!"

Disclaimer: parody

Read More: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0201/hackers.html

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