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Does the 'spark' usually go out of a relationship after a couple of years?

Anjirocks 2008/03/21 00:25:32
Yes that is completely normal
No there is something wrong
I have no idea!!
Undecided
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i ask because i am curious and i wonder if my relationship is normal. you see this is the only long term relationship i've been in so i can't say if this is normal or not.

we've been together for 2 and a half years and although i still love him and would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him the excitement that was there in the beginning is just not there any more. it hasn't been for a while.

i used to get butterflies in my stomach whenever i saw him and tingle whenever he kissed me; we used to have so much fun... and also have "adult fun" much more often too (but that is totally my fault, i just hardly ever feel like it any more!)

we're still happy together but it's an "old couple" sort of happy... boring even. maybe we just need to do more things together...

is the excitement supposed to go away or is something wrong?

i don't know what i'd do without him, he is my best friend... but is that all we are; friends?

come on all you people who have been married forever, please help me out on this one!!
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Top Opinion

  • Marked for Life 2008/03/21 02:55:53
    Yes that is completely normal
    Marked for Life
    +12
    I think everyone in relationships gets in these funks, you both need to step it up and light the spark again before the flame goes out....:o)

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  • Kirby Young 2012/03/16 02:58:48
    I have no idea!!
    Kirby Young
    i understand your point, hence why i am randomly searching this topic on the internet. lately my girlfriend and i have been fighting a bit over stupid stuff and shes been telling me that the spark is gone. well ive been going through a tough time not including her and ive been working my butt off to make her happy and push through for her. so i think that it is normal, or at least hope it is. this thread has been most helpful and i appreciate all of the comments, it helped give me ideas and hope for my relationship.
  • justin 2011/05/30 07:24:58
    I have no idea!!
    justin
    Wow, this sounds extremely close to my situation.
    Me and my girlfriend have been dating for nearly 2 years now and I have noticed a big decrease in excitement as well.

    She used to get butterflies when we were together but that "newness" has worn off now.

    And as far as adult fun flame goes it has definitely cooled down a bit. (I laughed a litte when i read "i just dont ever feel like it anymore" cause I swear thats always the answer I get when I suggest we do.)

    And as far as experience goes im right there with you, first real long term relationship and im not sure exactly how its supposed to work.
  • sd *TROUBLE* 2008/05/16 19:28:35
    Yes that is completely normal
    sd *TROUBLE*
    I think it s normal. You can;t expect a relationship to be exciting forever. You just have to make sure your relationship doesn;t fall apart...
  • Leethal 2008/03/27 06:10:35
    Yes that is completely normal
    Leethal
    +2
    you just have to work harder to keep the spark going it happens to everyone you just gotta keep going and remember why they gave you butterflies to start with.
  • Chula21 2008/03/25 23:46:01 (edited)
    No there is something wrong
    Chula21
    +1
    U just have to find ur orther half ............ Photobucket
  • squishy 2008/03/25 03:22:51
  • Ispellbad 2008/03/24 21:17:37
    Undecided
    Ispellbad
    +1
    Not if you truly have found your soul mate! Ive Known my wife the better part of 20 years and Ive been Maired to her for ten years and every day i find something more to love about her. We have are aguments and stuff but our spark is britter than ever!
  • Danny 2008/03/24 03:10:22
    Yes that is completely normal
    Danny
    +1
    Not always .... but usually. Some of this is natural but some of it is just our broken culture which believes in instant gratification.
  • Robertswifey 2008/03/23 01:13:18
    Yes that is completely normal
    Robertswifey
    +1
    At my bridal shower, my guests wrote down special sayings and quotes on these cute cardboard flowers for me to keep and I think one of them kind of fits here. It said:

    "A spark only lasts a second. It lights a fire. When the flame burns down, we are left with the hottest part of the fire, the embers-which burn the longest...and keep the fire alive. "

    -Annonymous


    I don't know very much about your situation, but I wouldn't think the flame is entirely gone! Maybe you're just in a funk and it'll pass!
  • doc 2008/03/22 19:28:40
    Undecided
    doc
    +1
    I don't think the spark is gone, maybe just a little dim lately. You gotta spice things up every now and then. Don't know where you're from or your age but is there something you can do to surprise him? A picnic maybe? A shared bubble bath? I'm sure you can think of something.
  • angie ~ MCCAIN / PALIN 08 2008/03/22 08:05:21
  • toni.th... angie ... 2013/07/08 03:03:20
    toni.thomas.524
    I'm so happy you posted this comment. I needed to see this. Its a hard time for me emotionally in my relationship but I'm hoping with us both truly working at it things will improve. Thx again.
  • luvche 2008/03/22 07:54:29
    Yes that is completely normal
    luvche
    +2
    I think once you get so comfortable, it get's like anything else in life. The novelty and newness wear off. Sex was something you couldn't wait for...now it's a chore you "have" to do. The things that used to be cute or quirky now annoy you. It happens. It's all about finding new stuff to do, or taking some time out and refocusing on the relationship. I like to turn off the phone, make a nice dinner and get a BUNCH of wine. We get a little toasted and just TALK and talk and talk....and usually find out something we did not know about each other. It makes it kind of new again for a while.
  • . 2008/03/22 03:29:14
    Undecided
    .
    +1
    I went out with this guy once for 4years...but the spark was always there!!!=*)
  • KellyDew~YES WE CAN 2008/03/21 21:47:17
    Yes that is completely normal
    KellyDew~YES WE CAN
    +2
    I knew I was with the right one when after 3 years together, I would still get a butterfly every so often. Its a lot of work to keep a relationship going. I know you know that. As far as sex goes, no, its not as often as earlier in the relationship. Sometimes, you just do it to do it. Take a vacation together, that works for us and friendship is the most importanat thing to have but also know that when it is truly just friendship ( you will know it in your heart) it may be time to move on. I have had to kiss many todas to find my prince. I can say that I love him 100% of the time and hate him 25%. LOLOLOL
  • angie ... KellyDe... 2008/03/22 08:08:05
  • KellyDe... angie ... 2008/03/22 18:31:59
    KellyDew~YES WE CAN
    +2
    I do... he is a keeper! :) Thank you!
  • marquise 2008/03/21 19:04:54
    Undecided
    marquise
    +1
    Sometimes it just does....
  • Skipper 2008/03/21 18:26:35
    Undecided
    Skipper
    +1
    everything comes and goes especially when you care enough for something, but then the things that were once in my life and now is gone is because they ended up losing it as they went on to others
  • MadHatter 2008/03/21 18:17:00
  • Txxx 2008/03/21 16:06:09
    Yes that is completely normal
    Txxx
    +1
    I don't know much about this, I can only tell you from what I've seen..its a case of, you have to re-light the spark. Some romance can spice things up again.
  • Jen**GPAC** 2008/03/21 15:53:31
    Yes that is completely normal
    Jen**GPAC**
    +3
    There will be those romantic moments.. but the excitement or butterflies.. was just discovering your love.. if you just go chasing after those.. say bye bye to ever having a long lasting relationship or marriage.. what replaces this excitement is comfort and a different kind of joy.. the trust that this person has your back and you have his..
  • marsred 2008/03/21 15:23:47
    Yes that is completely normal
    marsred
    +4
    What a great poll. This is the most basic problem tripping up otherwise happy couples. What does it mean when the “spark” has gone? Does it mean the love is over? This subject has been discussed in numerous self-help books — shelves upon shelves of them‼ Here’s the synthesis of what they say:

    There is an important and essentially good difference between “being in love” and “love.”
    Being is love is what happens first. The attraction you feel for your partner releases a flood of hormones and other compounds which have a phenomenal effect on your body and soul. All the “stuff” you are missing comes from the first stage (being in love) in the relationship process.

    Later, because the body cannot supply these overdoses of chemicals indefinitely, that “being in love” feeling goes away. It is replaced by one of two things: love or apathy. Love is the real McCoy the feeling of inner peace that you have found your soul mate, your friend who will always be with you facing any adversity, who will always cover your back. If you find that — you are an amazingly fortunate individual. If your “falling in love” doesn’t lead to deep and profound love then it leads to one degree of apathy or another. You and your partner have a problem to discuss, perhaps a relationship to dissolve.

    Now, ...
    What a great poll. This is the most basic problem tripping up otherwise happy couples. What does it mean when the “spark” has gone? Does it mean the love is over? This subject has been discussed in numerous self-help books — shelves upon shelves of them‼ Here’s the synthesis of what they say:

    There is an important and essentially good difference between “being in love” and “love.”
    Being is love is what happens first. The attraction you feel for your partner releases a flood of hormones and other compounds which have a phenomenal effect on your body and soul. All the “stuff” you are missing comes from the first stage (being in love) in the relationship process.

    Later, because the body cannot supply these overdoses of chemicals indefinitely, that “being in love” feeling goes away. It is replaced by one of two things: love or apathy. Love is the real McCoy the feeling of inner peace that you have found your soul mate, your friend who will always be with you facing any adversity, who will always cover your back. If you find that — you are an amazingly fortunate individual. If your “falling in love” doesn’t lead to deep and profound love then it leads to one degree of apathy or another. You and your partner have a problem to discuss, perhaps a relationship to dissolve.

    Now, it’s important to realize that any relationship can become stale if both partners don’t work on keeping the romance (the “falling in love” part) alive and well. Daily life and romance are often in conflict. The everyday grind can wear anybody out, regardless of the depth of their affection. The secret is to have both parties agree that regular and frequent steps should be taken to keep the love alive. Then take those necessary romantic steps. You pay your bills each month, right? You need to “pay” your partner some “good lovin” each month too.☼
    (more)
  • Anjirocks marsred 2008/03/21 15:30:43
    Anjirocks
    +1
    wow, that's interesting, i didn't know it could be explained scientifically!!

    thanks for the reassurance!!
  • marsred Anjirocks 2008/03/21 15:43:15
    marsred
    +1
    Your public library almost certainly has dozens of self-help books which will tell you the same thing in a lot more words.

    You have, perhaps, been overly influenced by movies and magazines? They always focus on the first stage of love because that's where the good story lines and images happen to be. People wouldn't go out and buy a magazine with a cover article like "fifteen ways to save for an ordinary vacation." Everyday life, and its hum-drum realities, almost never interests either Hollywood or the publishing world.

    It's important to realize that the first part of a relationship, "falling/being in love" is actually a naturally occurring drug-induced state, essential to the very survival of the species. The second kind of love is essential for a long and happy romantic life.

    You have to decide what you want from your life. If all you care about is the thrill of “being in love” then you’ll need to keep repeating the dating/falling in love cycle. That wears thin as time goes by, as age sets in, as gravity does its damage, and as that feeling of always being “on your own” starts to get to you down. Only you know what you want and what is right for you.☼
  • Anjirocks marsred 2008/03/21 15:46:10
    Anjirocks
    +1
    thank you!!
    i feel better now.

    i would hate to go back to the whole... well let's say "dating"... thing, i'm only 21 but i just feel i've been there and done that and i'm past it!!

    you're right; there is a choice to make. but i think that the comfortable, relaxed relationship is a much better option, at least it has some depth to it!!
  • marsred Anjirocks 2008/03/21 16:45:44
    marsred
    +1
    There are many kinds of good relationships. They all have six things in common which form the acid-test you might wish to use when evaluating your situation. Just pleas remember, the decision is always yours and yours alone.

    "I know I'm in a good relationship because all six of these statements are true...
    I can be me.
    You can be you.
    We can be us.
    I can grow.
    You can grow.
    We can grow."

    Please remember: If any one of those six absolutes is missing then the relationship is almost certainly in some kind of trouble. Follow your heart and your mind and your conscience. ☼
  • gamman marsred 2008/03/21 15:31:30
    gamman
    +1
    yes, each partner needs to give it 100%, not a 50-50 thing. foreplay should be all day!!!
  • marsred gamman 2008/03/21 15:45:39
    marsred
    +1
    A relationship is by definition a 50-50 thing. Defined by the following essential attributes:

    I can be me.
    You can be you.
    We can be us.
    I can grow.
    You can grow.
    We can grow.

    If any one of those six absolutes is missing the relationship is almost certainly in trouble.☼
  • gamman marsred 2008/03/21 15:50:32
    gamman
    +1
    i understand what you are saying. but me, like most other men i know, if we see 50-50 then we think we only need to give 50%. so i like the "everyone give "100%" so that neither can fault the other for not giving it their best.

    i like that list. each person needs to understand themselves as much as possible and the other as much as possible - both of which can take a lifetime.
  • marsred gamman 2008/03/22 00:08:25
    marsred
    +1
    That’s OK as far as it goes, but it often goes into codependency, the most dangerous ground short of abuse.

    I do get your point, I just disagree. Anybody who needs to be told to give it their all is not going to give more just because of some hokey-pokey metrics. People generally give what they’ve got, no more — no less.

    In the final analysis, it’s up to the individual people involved to decide if what they’re getting just so happens to be enough or not. ☼
  • gamman 2008/03/21 15:23:16
    Yes that is completely normal
    gamman
    +3
    every once in a while you gotta do something to spice up the relationship. spend the night in a hotel room - bring whip cream, strawberries, chocolate, sensual music, hot oils, other essentials ...
    you gotta be creative every other year or so ... p.s. bring your spouse too!
  • Anjirocks gamman 2008/03/21 15:30:08
    Anjirocks
    +1
    LOL! aww i was looking forward to having the chocolate and strawberries all to myself ;-) hehe!!!
  • Deanna 2008/03/21 13:56:28
    Yes that is completely normal
    Deanna
    +1
    It's just being use to having him around. Spice it up from time to time.
  • KJT0317 2008/03/21 12:59:31
    Undecided
    KJT0317
    +2
    I've been married for 3 years. We've had our ups and downs and we've had our moments when we couldn't stand each other. Yet, I still get the butterflys in my tummy and tingly when we kiss. I love him more and more each day.
  • Scott's sodahead 2008/03/21 12:55:53
    Yes that is completely normal
    Scott's sodahead
    +3
    yep.. has happened to my husband and myself a couple of times.. hang in there .. think positive ... BE SPONTANEOUS WITH EVERYTHING
  • Lee :) 2008/03/21 11:27:02
    I have no idea!!
    Lee :)
    +2
    I would not take any relationship advice from me at the moment but I do no what your going through.I just split way my bf and (for a lot of other strange and wonderful reasons) but the passion thing had also gone down hill too,we were both at fault, he worked and I was at college late nites so it was hard to keep a sexual realtionship when your both completely shattered.When you work at it the relationship you can make it more exciting,spice things up a little,But make sure you know the relationship is worth it before you do.
  • gwts 2008/03/21 09:51:04
    Yes that is completely normal
    gwts
    +2
    you can't have butterflies forever....I think this would be even bad for your blood pressure, lol. The love gets calmer and "normal"...but it's important to sometimes do some special things with each other to feel a little excitement again...that keeps love alive
  • e.V.(♥Queen of Doom♥) 2008/03/21 08:46:08 (edited)
    Undecided
    e.V.(♥Queen of Doom♥)
    +2
    Damn - I meant to select the 'no' option!

    I think people have to work at keeping that magic alive. It's normal for relationships to deepen and change over time but that doesn't mean the way it feels now is the way it's doomed to feel, if you see what I mean. Try doing some stuff to surprise each other; one thing you could try is each of you make a list of all the fun cool things you used to do that made you happy together, that made you laugh and feel excited to be together. And then compare lists and try and do more of those things. A lot of people unwittingly let their relationships get into ruts. Shake things up a bit...
  • lou lou 2008/03/21 06:34:44
    Yes that is completely normal
    lou lou
    +2
    A lot of people think that relationships are all about reigniting that spark that was once there. If you cant then you feel less of yourself. Maybe you feel you are not sexy enough or that the other person is not attracted and then you feel bad. This idea of reigniting this spark is what i think can destroy relationships even more. This lack of spark, so to speak, is what causes people to be unfaithful, it even causes divorce and break ups. People search for that again and again. How miserable can that be? Never finding anything at all. Temporary moments of extacy or mutual deep exchange in a partnership? If you are blessed you can have them both or at least have fun trying to get there.
    You can have what my friend has. She has an intense atraction to her man of 8yrs and no friendship. She is sleeping with a stranger. She yearns instead for affection, togetherness and a companion from him. Their relationship seems toxic to me. I think the initial feeling of butterflies is something that brings us together and then we find with real love. When we are single this real love is what we yearn for. It is a dance that we all have to learn about ourselves and our mate.
    I need to get back to you because my mom says that the romantic side of the brain is in the same area as the ay yi ...
    A lot of people think that relationships are all about reigniting that spark that was once there. If you cant then you feel less of yourself. Maybe you feel you are not sexy enough or that the other person is not attracted and then you feel bad. This idea of reigniting this spark is what i think can destroy relationships even more. This lack of spark, so to speak, is what causes people to be unfaithful, it even causes divorce and break ups. People search for that again and again. How miserable can that be? Never finding anything at all. Temporary moments of extacy or mutual deep exchange in a partnership? If you are blessed you can have them both or at least have fun trying to get there.
    You can have what my friend has. She has an intense atraction to her man of 8yrs and no friendship. She is sleeping with a stranger. She yearns instead for affection, togetherness and a companion from him. Their relationship seems toxic to me. I think the initial feeling of butterflies is something that brings us together and then we find with real love. When we are single this real love is what we yearn for. It is a dance that we all have to learn about ourselves and our mate.
    I need to get back to you because my mom says that the romantic side of the brain is in the same area as the ay yi yi UGH! I forget, but it is very introspective on this matter and I will tell you when i talk to her next. It explains a lot.
    I have been married for 6 years and I miss those feelings of butterflies, I know they were so great ahhhhhh to feel that sensation again. I know what you mean, but I could not give it up for this man that I love and adore so much and know that he feels the same is so wonderful. It is beautiful.
    (more)

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