Do you see a problem dating a married man or woman?

I believe it would seriously lead to adultery

Easily! Thank you.

what goes around, comes around. I may not know the wife, but I would also never want to be the wife of a cheater

You said it.

I've. . .ahem. . .been on both sides of this issue, so take that knowledge for whatever it's worth as you decide whether my opinion warrants merit.

One, adultery isn't about--or at least doesn't start with--sex. It starts when a spouse takes his or her innermost feelings outside the marriage. Sex just 'seals the deal.' The infidelity, if that's what you wish to call it, happens in your head way before it happens in the bedroom, the motel room, the back seat of the car, etc.

Two, such adultery should NEVER take place as a secret. If/when it happens you should be as honest about it as you can without psychologically injuring the victims (be such a husband or wife). That will serve both as a deterrent and as a way of honoring your previous commitments to the best of your ability. Having an affair and then using the fact as a 'weapon' in an argument is about as cruel an act of betrayal as a person can commit.

Three, there are such things as open marriages wherein both partners remain 'on notice' that the other gets recreational sex on the side. Some marriages can withstand this arrangement; some can't. In general, the best policy is to be EXTREMELY circumspect about the promises you make. If you think you can't keep them, even if you only have the tiniest of doubts, don't make them!

You know I always respect your opinion whether I agree or not. You make an extremely valid point here that I've long agreed with, and that is adultery starts way before sex is ever involved.

When you say, it should never take place as a secret & to be honest about it, are you talking about before or after it has taken place?

Ideally, one should disclose to his/her partner that she or he is going--or thinking about going--outside the relationship looking for emotional/psychological support. Then, the 'other half' has at least been given the option to address his or her contribution to the problem. If it culminates more or less immediately in sex, that, too, should be shared. I make this statement with the assumption that 'something' must have been there between the two at the outset or they wouldn't have gotten married or committed themselves to each other. Something worth preserving.

In any case, in nearly every case of adultery I've ever heard about, the primary transgression as far as the victim is concerned is the secrecy/being lied to. It's not the sex.

I wonder how many marriages would last and/or how much it would cut down on cheating if things were discussed as you say. I figured this is what you meant but honestly, I thought there's no way one would discuss it with the other. However, that would be a much better route to take!

I can see how the sex isn't what's bothersome, and for me personally, you're right that was the minute part of it all. It was partly the deception but even more so the emotional part of it, the intimacy (not including sex) that ate away at me when I found out.

"I wonder how many marriages would last and/or how much it would cut down on cheating if things were discussed as you say. I figured this is what you meant but honestly, I thought there's no way one would discuss it with the other. However, that would be a much better route to take!"

Please note that I prefaced my statement with the word 'ideally.' I haven't always practiced what I preached. :-(

But then, from whom would you rather get advice on the purchase of a used car; somebody who'd never been burned, or somebody who has and knows what to look for?

"I can see how the sex isn't what's bothersome, and for me personally, you're right that was the minute part of it all."

Indeed! It's such a small part of the over all picture that I've heard people say "if s/he'd just come to me and said s/he was gonna bust a nut with one of his/her coworkers, I could have handled that!"

"It was partly the deception but even more so the emotional part of it, the intimacy (not including sex) that ate away at me when I found out."

Exactly. It's like that old song. "Don't take your love to town." If Ruby had just gone to town to ride the occasional young man, that would have been one thing, but Ruby wanted someone to fulfill her emotionally/intimately. That's the part which hurts.

Well most of don't practice what we preach, but there's always the experience behind that action we took. Which, yes is why I'd absolutely rather have the advice of the person who "knows what to look for."

I can't say that'd I'd be accepting of just the physical aspect of it but out of fairness it would have given ME an option, which you pointed out in a previous response to either fix it before it happened or remove myself from the situation.

And finally on the part that is most devastating (the emotional), it then screwed me for life because where as I trusted...I no longer do but honestly who doesn't (at my age) come into things with some sort of let downs from the past.

I s'pect the longer we live, the more we'll look at trust as a bit like gambling: never bet more than you can afford to lose.

After being hammer screwed professionally a few times, I've adopted the concentric rings of trust model. On the innermost ring are yourself, your God and your mate. On each consecutive ring from the center are family, close friends, not so close friends, coworkers, casual acquaintances and such.

My trust for overall people has never been a strong point of mine. But with my "inner rings" prioritized, I'll be just fine :-)

Agreed!

Well, it seems from the outset that it would be a problem. Could get very tangled up if you know what I mean. Be very careful of whom you invite into your intimate experience. And, careful of whom wishes to draw you into theirs.

Bingo!

Oh, did I win sumthin?

Yep. One Great Karmic Scoobie Snack. :-)

Yaaaay for me:)

Just like I would *NEVER* take a car, just because the keys were in the ignition, even if I *KNEW* I would never get caught.

I made a vow, before God, Friends and Family.
I would *NEVER* knowingly do *ANYTHING* that would bring my wife hurt, shame or embarrassment.
If I would betray her for something so insignificant; what *WOULDN'T* I do?

It's really that simple.

I really like the way you laid this out, excellent! Thank you!

You're most welcome!
Thank You for the great question!

Indeed!

But it's a tougher question than most. :-\

Is that a bad thing? (Not meant in a cocky way)...

Uhm, duhh? There's definitely a problem. And if a married person tries to talk you into dating them, find out who their spouse is, and tell them.

Thank you :-)

Divorced yes!

Thank you :-)

It doesn't take long to take a look at where this may have happened around you in life to see that this rarely ends anything other than badly for ALL parties involved.

I wouldn't know what they have seen in their lives but you're right it always ends badly. Thank you for your input.

I dont believe in cheating.

Thank you!

never!

Thank you :-)

I would never want my man to fk around on me. its not right

Would not be worth my time, no how.

My daughter with 6 children just went thru a divorce after 22 years because of a homewrecker and now the family is split. No one wins and if children it's worse.

The "homewrecker" was the one to whom she was married. If he had any scruples at all, it wouldn't be an issue... Both parties in the destructive relationship are just as culpable.

Much worse with children. What a terrible thing for your daughter. But hopefully she'll realize the she's better off now & that it won't take her long to bounce back.