Damn... small problem; but big enough that I could use some prayer or something.

so here's the deal...
I used to be a cutter.. a pretty hardcore one...

but then in December, I was almost hospitalized cuz my mom found out about my self-harm, and I was acting weird, which she found out was because I was suicidal at the time.
after that, I quit cutting just because I didn't want that to happen again.

in January, my best friend Carolyn's boyfriend dumped her... I wanted to be there for her, but somehow I felt that I couldn't, because I wasn't looking out for myself.

that's when I took a step back and tried to see what I was doing with my life. long story short, I turned back to God... asked Him to strengthen me, and He did. enough to help myself out, and enough to help Carolyn.

things have been pretty normal for the most part since January... but just this week, I've been afraid. very irrationally... I fear that somehow I'll relapse into being that suicidal, emo, cutter, sorry excuse for a person... that maybe all it would take is just one scratch on my left arm and I'll plummet back down again.

a few minutes ago, my cat did just that. I was holding her, she got startled, and jumped away from me, and scratched my left arm in the process, and (to someone who never used self harm as a method of relaxing and de-stressing, this might come as a shock...) it felt great.

just a small, white-ish scratch on my arm.. but no, it started bleeding after a few seconds. it just HAD to start bleeding. (another shocker) I like how it looks.

this past week, sharp objects have been looking strangely more and more appealing.

it's not me, I know it's not me who's doing this. call it demons, karma, the Devil himself, or whatever you want... something's out to try to steal my soul again.

I'm just asking for help, wisdom, and most of all prayer to help me battle through this. I know I'm not alone, and I'm very grateful for that...