A Christmas To Remember!!!

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over
his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was
for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice
must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.


One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What
does this do? 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?'

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
'Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and
drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to
his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but
had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door.

'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that? Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her
into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on
Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up
to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?'

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.
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