Quantcast

Who Was Uncle Sam, was he based on anyone real?

☥☽✪☾DAW ☽✪☾ 2011/05/30 19:33:49
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”  George W. Bush
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.”  Winston Churchill
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck
I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
When God gives you AIDS  – make lemonAIDS.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war,
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you.
You!
Add Photos & Videos

Uncle Sam (born July 4, 1776) is the national personification of the United States, an economic and cultural imperialist, the mascot of the New York Yankees, frequent used car salesman, and a dick.


From the very moment Uncle Sam was born, he immediately began insisting that everybody else live exactly like him – speak his language, wear his style of clothing, listen to his music, eat his mass-produced fast food products.

He’s a dick in the same way as your pretentious friend who demands that you listen to Radiohead, watch The Wire, and eat organic food because all those things are “sooooo amaaaaaazing.” The big difference is that your pretentious friend won’t launch precision air strikes on your apartment or incinerate your entire city with a nuclear bomb if you don’t like the new Jim Jarmusch movie.
air strikes apartment incinerate city nuclear bomb jim jarmusch movie
the bastard son of several European fathers, Uncle Sam was born in Philadelphia on July 4, 1776, though he would not assume his elderly anthropomorphized form until 1852. As the embodiment of the United States, Uncle Sam had a rough childhood at the hands of a domineering mother, Great Britain, an astounding dick in her own right. Sam was forced to do demeaning chores such as grow fields of wheat, corn, and tobacco and chop down miles of timber, all for his mother’s benefit. This dysfunctional mother/son relationship has been celebrated in many classic films, most notably Alfred Hitchcock’s, Psycho.

Like most toddlers just learning to speak, most of what came out of little Sam’s mouth were dickish demands like “I want lower taxes” and “I want representation” and “I want all this land.” If he didn’t get what he wanted, Sam would throw a tantrum and do things like dump all his mother’s tea in Boston Harbor or intentionally give Indian tribes blankets infested with smallpox.

After a bitter squabble lasting eight years, Uncle Sam was finally emancipated from his mother and allowed to live on his own even though he wasn’t quite ready to take care of himself.
lasting years uncle sam emancipated mother allowed live ready care

As with all teenagers, Uncle Sam made some poor choices. Unfortunately, instead getting caught with beer or accidentally knocking up his girlfriend, Sam’s missteps involved enslaving millions of black Africans, brutally forcing them to work on his plantations, and treating them like animals. The word “dick” doesn’t even really cover it, although “bag of dicks” comes a little closer.

As Sam matured, he finally started to realize the error of his ways, but also realized that he had become accustomed to constant free labor. Much as young, horny dicks often put off breaking up with their crazy girlfriends because of the hot porno-style sex, Sam just couldn’t bring himself to dump his slave states, settling for abolishing slavery only in his Northern states. In keeping with the crazy girlfriend analogy, it was only a matter of time before the Southern states freaked out and set fire to all Sam’s clothes on the front lawn.

northern crazy girlfriend analogy southern freaked fire sams clothes lawn

Bored of the Eastern seaboard, and not yet tied down by a wife or kids, Uncle Sam headed west on a road trip of North America. As he moved west, Sam ran into thousands of so-called “native” Americans, all of whom claimed he was trespassing on sacred land that had belonged to their people for hundreds of years, blah blah blah. Sam responded by using his thundersticks to dickishly murder most of them, take their land for himself, and force the survivors to live on small parcels of dusty land nobody else wanted. For the hell of it, he also killed most their buffalo, turning them into burgers and cool jackets.

On his westward journey, Sam collected all sorts of awesome souvenirs like Florida, Texas, California, the Louisiana Territory, and the Oregon Territory. He also laid down a bunch of railroad track so he could continue to haul more and more souvenirs back to his new home in Washington, D.C.
territory laid bunch railroad track continue haul souvenirs home washington

As predicted, Uncle Sam’s issues with his crazy girlfriend eventually flared up and the Southern slave states officially broke up with Sam in 1860. Uncle Sam refused to accept the breakup and threatened his exes with violence if they didn’t come back where they belonged. Calling Sam’s bluff, the South attacked at Fort Sumter in 1861, starting a 5 year domestic dispute, much like a drunken redneck couple having a trailer park fight on COPS.

Sam’s brute strength and short temper proved to be too powerful for the Southern states to fend off, and after he taught them what happens when they get out of line, the couple got back together with a shotgun wedding at Appomattox Court House in 1865. At the reception, when the Southern bride was asked why she had a hundred mile-wide bruise near Atlanta, Sam dickishly glared at her and she timidly answered “I fell down the stairs.”

Newly married and in need of cash, Uncle Sam decided there was more money in industrial work than there was in farming, so he got in the business of manufacturing steel beams, canned food, and those crazy old-timey phonographs you had to turn with a crank. Sam’s business acumen would inspire other dicks for decades to come: He invited millions of starving immigrants from other countries to come work in poor conditions for little pay. With the unwashed masses toiling away at his sweatshops, Uncle Sam experienced a never before seen period of economic growth, and like a true dick, he made sure to flaunt his newfound wealth by purchasing flashy material goods, like imported suits, large estates, Alaska and Hawaii.

purchasing flashy material goods imported suits large estates alaska hawaii
Not such a young spring chicken anymore, Uncle Sam clung to his fading youth by abandoning his policy of isolationism and joining in a World War to prove how verile he still was. After winning the war, Sam continued acting out, carousing around town every night in his Model T, listening to jazz music on the radio, and banging flappers at speakeasies.
After a brief period of depression, Uncle Sam joined another World War in 1941, after Japan looked at him funny at a bar in Pearl Harbor. In the biggest dick move of his midlife crisis, Sam got even with Japan by dropping atomic bombs on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, obliterating them into a fine radioactive powder and killing over 200,000 people. Even Sam himself had to admit that this was a pretty serious dick move.

With a few victories under his belt, Uncle Sam moved to the suburbs to live the American Dick Dream with a white picket fence, two cars in the garage, and no black people to be seen for miles. The only problem Sam had was with his neighbor to the west, Russia, in whom he had met his dick match.
garage black people sam neighbor west russia met dick match
Ever since Uncle Sam dropped the bomb, he started acting like a total dick to all his other neighbors—carving up the world into a bunch of new countries, starting various world organizations that he unofficially controlled, talking everyone into buying all the junk he manufactured, and making everyone listen to his loud rock n’ roll music. But neighbor Russia, also in possession of the bomb, wanted nothing to do with Sam’s favorite export: capitalism. Russia preferred a different economic system based on waiting in long lines for items the country didn’t have enough of, like food.

In a classic case of keeping up with the Joneskis, Sam and Russia each kept passive-aggressively buying more and more nuclear weapons until each was capable of destroying the other 100 times over. Rather than openly fighting each other, they instead took sides in fights that other neighbors were already having. This dick bickering (“dickering”) escalated until the l980s when Russia ran out of money. Uncle Sam, on the other hand, celebrated his victory by snorting cocaine and having frequent casual sex at disco clubshand celebrated victory snorting cocaine frequent casual sex disco clubs
Once AIDS showed up on the scene, Uncle Sam began to calm down with the partying. Having recently celebrated his bicentennial, Sam retired from actually manufacturing stuff, and instead began a leisurely life of consumption. He bought food, houses, cars, yachts, electronics equipment, invested in technology, and reaped the benefit of his decades in the work force.

As old people often do, Uncle Sam has also stopped caring about things. His once hardworking male children have become video game playing, iPod listening slackers who spend more of their time online than in the real world. His once pure and virtuous female children now have tattoos on their vaginas and make out with each other at parties for attention. His once top-notch entertainment industry now pumps out mindless reality programs where people pretend to fall in love with former celebrities and game shows where people eat snails and/or feces.

Enjoying his golden years, however, hasn’t precluded Uncle Sam from being a dick. Even in retirement, he has still managed to start two simultaneous wars, one under false pretenses, the other fought half-assedly. And like any crotchety old dick, Uncle Sam doesn’t seem like he’ll ever die
wars false pretenses fought half-assedly crotchety dick uncle sam die

On a more serious note, according to reports and stories that have been handed down through the years, the real Uncle Sam was a man by the name of Samuel Wilson, a meat packer from Arlington, Massachusetts.

During the War of 1812, Samuel was a meat packer (and a successful one at that) in Troy, New York. He was so successful that he became the chief meat supplier for the U.S. Army and provided them with meat that was packed in barrels that were labeled with the initials, "U.S."

successful chief meat supplier army meat packed barrels labeled initials
Samuel Wilson

A running joke began with the soldiers that U.S. actually stood for Uncle Sam and it is said that this was the beginning of "Uncle Sam."

In 1917, J.M. Flagg rendered the famous depiction of Uncle Sam imploring young men to join the army and the legend of Uncle Sam was born.


uncle sam imploring young join army legend uncle sam born










Read More: http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Uncle_Sam

Add a comment above

Top Opinion

  • Nudenz 2011/05/31 01:16:09
    “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll n...
    Nudenz
    +3
    Unfortunately. It seems old habits die hard. "Pax Americana" anyone.

Sort By
  • Most Raves
  • Least Raves
  • Oldest
  • Newest
Opinions

  • Ramon 2011/06/02 12:04:36
    You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried...
    Ramon
    I really don't know what to say about this....what about you George, got anything to say?


    george
  • elena 2011/06/02 00:59:33
    You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried...
    elena
    Great Sir Winston!!
  • D.C.Willis 2011/06/01 17:32:48
    You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the be...
    D.C.Willis
    This one is twisted DAW! A little humor, A little truth, mixed with a little B.S.. Ha Ha
  • KeviBotha 2011/06/01 12:48:42
    You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried...
    KeviBotha
    yeah uncle sam is the guy that told me on gtasa to go and steal firearms at an old guy's house
  • chasily mamissa 2011/06/01 09:23:47
    To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well don...
    chasily mamissa
    :) lol
  • Bob, the reasonable one 2011/06/01 04:40:25 (edited)
    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupi...
    Bob, the reasonable one
    Yeppers, the guy was an inspector for the U.S. military...I think his name was Sam Johnson...troops would the U.S. stood for Uncle Sam....

    My bad, Sam Wilson...I should read before I write... :)
  • Steve 2011/06/01 04:06:30
    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to m...
    Steve
    interesting story...dysfunctional Sam= dysfunctional government.
    interesting story dysfunctional sam dysfunctional government
  • WolfEyes 2011/06/01 03:51:50
    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupi...
    WolfEyes
    To those who read this whole page, I hope you enjoy all the mis-representation of the " Uncle Sam " icon. The drawing and use of the Uncle Sam Character has been atributed to the Cartoonist/Satirist Thomas Nast. Political Cartoonist of the 1830's
  • Ron 2011/05/31 19:20:53
    You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
    Ron
    That's spelled Texicans! Its a contraction of Texan and Mexican. Still to many Illegals! Unfortunately Most of the law enforcement people here in the Valley have names like Gonzales, Ramez, or Rodrigues. Not much help there.
  • Ron Ron 2011/05/31 19:52:23
    Ron
    +1
    I wrote the above before I read DAW's POS! This is the first of DAW's work that I have disagreed with. He makes the US sound really bad, but in reality the US consolidated it's hard won real estate and became the greatest country this old world has ever known. Unfortunately it is politicians like obama who are tearing this great nation apart. Turning it from a Capitalist Nation who fed the world and became the world police force and tried to spread freedom to a world not ready for freedom, into a Socialist Third World Country who now can not feed its own poor and is not allowed to defend its own borders for fear of insulting some poor bastard illegal! DAW You screwed this one up BIG TIME! You may think it is funny, but to an adult American it is a Piece of Sh-t!
  • ☥☽✪☾DAW... Ron 2011/05/31 20:01:07
  • Ron ☥☽✪☾DAW... 2011/06/09 21:40:57
    Ron
    Careful, your kids might not appreciate what you say about them. Normally you do an excellent job on your research. I don't know how you screwed this one up!
  • ☥☽✪☾DAW... Ron 2011/06/09 23:44:43
    ☥☽✪☾DAW ☽✪☾
    read the bottom of the blog and you will see i did post about the real uncle sam
  • JK 2011/05/31 18:13:33
    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to m...
    JK
    That is the best depiction of the United States of America that I have ever heard... hands down.
  • Ron JK 2011/05/31 20:26:31
    Ron
    +2
    You socialist POS!
  • JK Ron 2011/06/02 14:28:08
    JK
    WRONG!!! I swing the other way pal. I just see the humor in life. Republicans like doing crap like that make us all look like we have sticks up our cracks. Ronnie was a funny guy, so please take note...
  • K-ZOOMI-----0 2011/05/31 18:01:25
    You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the be...
    K-ZOOMI-----0
    +1
    HAHAHA!
    Thanks 'DAW'. :)
  • "jester" 2011/05/31 15:52:29
    You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the be...
    "jester"
    +1
    this is soo true..I LOLed on your Uncle Sam in Gandalf's clothes..xD
  • Micheal 2011/05/31 15:37:25
    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to m...
    Micheal
    +1
    he was mad so that they could get people to join the military
  • The_Machine 2011/05/31 14:33:03
    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupi...
    The_Machine
  • Ron The_Mac... 2011/05/31 20:30:21
    Ron
    Those of you who lol at this are the most stupid of all the peoples in this world. If America was as bad as this POS depicts it as being YOU would be in prison or dead! America is Still Free to let scum like you live!
  • The_Mac... Ron 2011/06/01 15:15:58
    The_Machine
    Lmao, relax buddy its satire! I will let your insults go, it don't bother me.
  • Ron The_Mac... 2011/06/09 21:43:41
    Ron
    Thank You!
  • 2537147 2011/05/31 14:29:59
    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupi...
    2537147
    +1
    "Let me issue and control a nation's money and I care not who writes the laws."
    Mayer Amschel Rothschild, 1790

    "I wish it were possible to obtain a single amendment to our Constitution - taking from the federal government their power of borrowing."
    Thomas Jefferson, 1798

    Uncle Sam is a common national personification of the American government originally used during the War of 1812. Like today, The War of 1812 was one of many battles the American colonies had with the British Empire and the private central bankers who controlled the money supply of entire nations.

    After the American Revolutionary War, a British style fractional reserve Central Bank of North America was first established and controlled by arms dealer Robert Morris from (1781-1785).

    The scam lasted five years until 1785, when, like today, the value of American money dropped like a lead balloon, due to hyper-inflation, because there was too much fiat currency being printed up and circulating in the money market. The banks charter didn't get renewed.

    FIRST BANK OF THE UNITED STATES (1791-1811) was deceptively titled, because it was actually the second private central bank in America that was owned and controlled by none other than, Mayer Amschel Rothschild, and it's the House of Rothschilds family dynasty,...











    "Let me issue and control a nation's money and I care not who writes the laws."
    Mayer Amschel Rothschild, 1790

    "I wish it were possible to obtain a single amendment to our Constitution - taking from the federal government their power of borrowing."
    Thomas Jefferson, 1798

    Uncle Sam is a common national personification of the American government originally used during the War of 1812. Like today, The War of 1812 was one of many battles the American colonies had with the British Empire and the private central bankers who controlled the money supply of entire nations.

    After the American Revolutionary War, a British style fractional reserve Central Bank of North America was first established and controlled by arms dealer Robert Morris from (1781-1785).

    The scam lasted five years until 1785, when, like today, the value of American money dropped like a lead balloon, due to hyper-inflation, because there was too much fiat currency being printed up and circulating in the money market. The banks charter didn't get renewed.

    FIRST BANK OF THE UNITED STATES (1791-1811) was deceptively titled, because it was actually the second private central bank in America that was owned and controlled by none other than, Mayer Amschel Rothschild, and it's the House of Rothschilds family dynasty, along with the Rockefellers, and House of Windsor i.e. the British Royal Family who own Americas Federal Reserve Bank today, and controls the issuance of credit and currency of the entire nation.

    When time came for renewal of the charter for the FIRST BANK OF THE UNITED STATES in 1812, the private central bankers of Europe, who controlled the British government, like they control the American government today, warned America of bad times ahead if they didn't get a renewal of the charter on their FIRST BANK OF THE UNITED STATES, and control the entire money supply of the United States. The charter was not renewed, and five month later Britain had attacked America and started the war of 1812.

    Soon afterwards, Uncle Sam was born. Although, there's a debate over how Uncle Sam was originally created. The most popular to date is as follows: Samuel Wilson, commonly called "Uncle Sam," was an inspector of beef and pork, in Troy, N. Y. He inspected the meat purchased for the government after the declaration of war against England in 1812.

    And that my friends is REAL AMERICAN HISTORY. Not the kind they teach in school unfortunately, or on the History Channel, or on PBS, or anywhere else for that matter.

    Great post by the way Daw. Your question made me have to go back to my books and personal writings from the past, then assemble it all into one comment about the origins of Uncle Sam.



    http://youtu.be/_dmPchuXIXQ
    (more)
  • CassieRosaVioletta 2011/05/31 13:21:58
    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupi...
    CassieRosaVioletta
    +1
    When it comes to personifications of the United States, I prefer Alfred. He's more lovable :)
    personifications united alfred lovable alfred f jones
  • ELLIE 2011/05/31 11:55:20
    When God gives you AIDS – make lemonAIDS.
    ELLIE
    +1
    I always wondered where that phrase came from.
  • irish 2011/05/31 10:37:30
    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to m...
    irish
    +1
    LOL LOL very good DAW!
  • Shipra 2011/05/31 08:22:50
    You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the be...
    Shipra
    +1
    Really like this one andi always used to wonder as to why americans are called as uncle sam thanks..
  • Crazy Feet 2011/05/31 06:10:16 (edited)
    Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupi...
    Crazy Feet
  • Redskin 2011/05/31 05:44:40
    You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried...
    Redskin
  • les_gvt 2011/05/31 04:19:00
    You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
    les_gvt
    +2
    Should read- fewer Yankee transplants-

    It would be nice if the author of this question could develop a sense of humor ;)
  • RockyMtGirl BN 2011/05/31 03:18:56 (edited)
    You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the be...
    RockyMtGirl BN
    +2
    Not sure about these options provided????
    I think Uncle Sam was an ACRONYM created after USA; not sure but would like the answer!
    Thanks.
  • ☥☽✪☾DAW... RockyMt... 2011/05/31 05:25:25
    ☥☽✪☾DAW ☽✪☾
    +2
    read the blog
  • Ron ☥☽✪☾DAW... 2011/05/31 20:36:42
    Ron
    You will learn nothing but a pack of lies!
  • RockyMt... ☥☽✪☾DAW... 2011/06/01 00:43:43 (edited)
    RockyMtGirl BN
    +1
    Thank you DAW-ling!! LOL (I was in a hurry - it's a long freaking blog!) LOL.
  • RockyMt... RockyMt... 2011/06/01 01:01:09
    RockyMtGirl BN
    Who would of thunk it; Sam Wilson was a meat-packer! That must be why we barbeque on 4th of July! (just kidding; just honoring Marilyn Monroe and all those other blonde bomb-shells!) LOL.
  • James 2011/05/31 03:10:01
  • Ron James 2011/05/31 20:40:48
    Ron
    The biggest dick after DAW wrote or published this is DAW himself. I really don't think DAW is smart enough to write something like this. He is in this case, too big a DICK!
  • James Ron 2011/06/02 03:55:44
    James
    Hey whatever issues you got between you and DAW shall be between you and DAW. I'm going to be the good Libertarian and stay out of this.
  • Delta James 2011/06/04 00:14:21
    Delta
    +1
    WOW!!!!

See Votes by State

The map above displays the winning answer by region.

Fun

2014/09/22 00:13:15

Hot Questions on SodaHead
More Hot Questions

More Community More Originals