Tools Explained (funny)

Matt 2011/05/18 16:32:43
I Work Very Well With All Tools !
I Can Be Pretty Klutzy With Tools !
I Think That....
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge..

TWO TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH! ‘at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

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  • Gremlin (OYO) 2011/05/29 17:14:02
    I Think That....
    Gremlin  (OYO)
    Throwing tools arround was verry familiar act, especially when my temper went out of control, when the work did not go the way I intended.............so now I only do what I´m sure I CAN do...................I don´t like to loose more tools....
  • wysiwis 2011/05/19 21:09:18
    I Work Very Well With All Tools !
    These are apt descriptions!
    I've known too many people that this applies to!
  • MichaelRigby 2011/05/18 20:56:55
    I Work Very Well With All Tools !
    Tools do tend to follow murphys law, I can relate to much of this list. Whenever you take anything electronic apart there's always one screw that defies all attempts to remove it.
  • ETpro 2011/05/18 18:57:30
    I Work Very Well With All Tools !
    But still, I've seen enough of these happen to get a hearty laugh from the list. Thanks for the post.
  • Artistry 2011/05/18 18:35:53
    I Think That....
    .....Not a toolwoman, but these are all, pretty doggone funny. Thanks. Cheers.
  • Lee The Hybrid Snowflake 2011/05/18 18:19:15
    I Work Very Well With All Tools !
    Lee The Hybrid Snowflake
    LMAO That's hilarious!
  • Gothamjedi311 \m/ 2011/05/18 18:11:50 (edited)
    I Work Very Well With All Tools !
    Gothamjedi311 \m/
    ...and rest assured, I have used most of these defined above to perfection. Lol rest assured defined perfection lol
    ...oh wait, you forgot to mention this description for the OXYACETYLENE TORCH...used to open the side of your left sock to expose your ankle to that fine thin line of intense heat...OUCH!
  • Matt Gothamj... 2011/05/18 19:01:27
    Mine exploded the other day. I put a longer hose on and did not get all of the air out. I blew some kind of plug out of the torch head while making a big flash/bang.
  • Gothamj... Matt 2011/05/19 10:23:23
    Gothamjedi311 \m/
    Yeah, I've had that happen before too....had 'em catch fire on the inside...get real hot and start billowing black smoke. I sent this list to the guys here at work...it's a riot. Great Post Matt. Remember...Safety First!
    smoke list guys work riot post matt remember safety Safety Lady
    Have a great day my friend. \m/
  • J Montana 2011/05/18 17:44:46 (edited)
    I Think That....
    J Montana
    Who likes short 'studs' ....lol
  • Matt J Montana 2011/05/18 18:58:22
    Apparrently, this lady does !

    apparrently lady funny woody
  • J Montana Matt 2011/05/19 17:21:51
  • SAILOR 2011/05/18 17:17:05
    I Work Very Well With All Tools !
    You have been in my tool box.
  • Patriot Unit 2011/05/18 17:08:18
    I Work Very Well With All Tools !
    Patriot Unit
    I have often used then all. And the Son-of-a-Bitch-Tool comes in very handy.
  • beachbum 2011/05/18 17:00:36
    I Think That....
  • Charu ∞ijm♥∞ 2011/05/18 16:56:10
    I Can Be Pretty Klutzy With Tools !
    Charu ∞ijm♥∞
    I LOVE THIS...Thanks Matt! Blessings ~ Nana
    love matt blessings nana rotflmao
  • Autarchic 2011/05/18 16:44:28
    I Can Be Pretty Klutzy With Tools !

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