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Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville?

Will Advocate of PHAET 2012/10/02 13:13:30

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word in their comic routines:

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter, already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

Not PC in this day and age, but funny if you have a sense of humor!
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  • FeedFwd ~POTL 2012/10/03 21:36:10
    FeedFwd ~POTL
    +1
    Very funny! Don't know if Rodney Dangerfield was Jewish or not, but same kind of humor, but with a few coarse words thrown in. The Three Stooges... Moe, Larry, and Curly (and Shemp) should have been included!

    "I'm in a terrible dilemma." "Yeah, I don't care much for these foreign cars either."

    "And what were you doing in Paris?" "Oh, looking over the Parasites."

    "I am an artist!" "I am an artist too!" "Oh, a pair of drawers!"

    "Fire at will." "Which one is Will?"

    "What's that monkey got, that I ain't got?" "A longer tail."

    "You know I'm temperamental." "Yeah, 95% temper, 5% mental."

    "Good morning, sir. I'm the census taker. Are you married or happy?"
  • Will Ad... FeedFwd... 2012/10/03 21:42:28
    Will Advocate of  PHAET
    +1
    Ha Ha Ha!! Classics!!
  • Quietman ~PWCM~JLA 2012/10/03 21:11:42
  • ruthannhausman 2012/10/03 20:41:49
    ruthannhausman
    +2
    Oh, yeah, I remember them all very well, and then some. And I wish there were more of them around. And folks like Bob Hope, who was able to poke fun at presidents of both parties and never offended anyone.

    Had the total misfortune of tuning into a Celebrity Roast. Remember the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts? Oh, lordy, some were occasionally a little salty, but they were still able to be viewed by the entire family. This thing I tuned into nearly knocked me out of my chair. I have never heard so much filthy language and filthy sexual innuendo in my entire life, I kid you not. And, unbelievably, a couple of the roasters were actually from the era you are talking about here. I could not believe that. Would not have believed that if I hadn't seen and heard it with my own eyes and ears.

    Oh, well, nothing I can do about it except hit the channel changer!
  • Will Ad... ruthann... 2012/10/03 20:44:35
    Will Advocate of  PHAET
    +1
    I agree. The roasts today are not worth the effort to push the remote button.
  • stevmackey 2012/10/03 03:40:08
    stevmackey
    +1
    You did hear an occasional Oi Vei.
  • ronbo51 2012/10/02 18:31:03
    ronbo51
    +1
    mel brooks. may too young???
  • Will Ad... ronbo51 2012/10/02 18:37:21
    Will Advocate of  PHAET
    +2
    Early career and Your Show of ShowsAfter World War II, Brooks started working in various Borscht Belt resorts and nightclubs in the Catskill Mountains as a drummer and pianist. Around this time he changed his professional name to "Mel Brooks" after being confused with the well-known Borscht Belt trumpet player Max Kaminsky.[6] After a regular comic at one of the nightclubs was too sick to perform one night, Brooks started working as a stand-up comic, telling jokes and doing movie-star impressions. He also began acting in summer stock in Red Bank, New Jersey and did some radio work.[6] He eventually worked his way up to the comically aggressive job of Tummler (master entertainer) at Grossinger's, one of the Borscht Belt most famous resorts
  • ronbo51 Will Ad... 2012/10/04 00:13:29
    ronbo51
    +1
    well, was afraid to mention,.. BUT. he is worthy of mention..... WELL ahead of his time. i miss his comediactic attentiveness to details (tongue in cheek) and also make fun of politically correct issues.
    my all time fav and sorely miss his movies.
  • Temlakos~POTL~PWCM~JLA~☆ 2012/10/02 18:03:02
    Temlakos~POTL~PWCM~JLA~☆
    +1
    I remember some of those men on TV or in the movies.
  • tooner259 2012/10/02 17:07:49
    tooner259
    +1
    Myron Cohen myron cohen
    Thanks for the laughs!
  • JessyBear 2012/10/02 15:53:12
    JessyBear
    +1
    Thanks for the smile...
  • Theresa 2012/10/02 15:23:42
    Theresa
    +3
    You are Missing Alan King to your list. Plus Buddy Hackett
  • Will Ad... Theresa 2012/10/02 15:30:04
    Will Advocate of  PHAET
    +1
    You are right. This list gets longer. What great talents!!
  • Theresa Will Ad... 2012/10/02 15:32:01
    Theresa
    +2
    They were the only one left in this grand tradition is Billy Crystal and he is aging fast.
  • fuzzy K... Theresa 2012/10/02 17:32:00
    fuzzy Ken "In G*d We Trust"
    +1
    Billy Crystal was Borscht Belt?
  • Will Ad... fuzzy K... 2012/10/02 18:19:51
    Will Advocate of  PHAET
    +1
    No, but he probably would have been if he was a little older.
  • fuzzy K... Will Ad... 2012/10/02 19:07:33
    fuzzy Ken "In G*d We Trust"
    +1
    agreed
  • Theresa Will Ad... 2012/10/02 23:46:26
    Theresa
    +2
    Actually he was on stage at age 7 read up on his bio.
  • Theresa fuzzy K... 2012/10/02 23:45:57
    Theresa
    +2
    Yepper he was. at a very young age!
  • Elaine Magliacane 2012/10/02 15:14:00
    Elaine Magliacane
    +2
    You're killing me.... good ones.
  • ray 2012/10/02 14:33:12
    ray
    +2
    Thank you , for just a moment , all the woes of the world were forgotten .
  • Matt 2012/10/02 14:00:10
    Matt
    +4
    You forgot Mr. Warmth !
    Funny Don Rickles
  • fuzzy Ken "In G*d We Trust" 2012/10/02 13:36:26
    fuzzy Ken "In G*d We Trust"
    +1
    Great read
    the borscht belt book
  • fuzzy Ken "In G*d We Trust" 2012/10/02 13:33:48
    fuzzy Ken "In G*d We Trust"
    +1
    One of my favorites
  • DS in Oak Ridge NC 2012/10/02 13:20:48
    DS in Oak Ridge NC
    +2
    Thanks for the laughs... and classic comedy from simpler days. The Borscht Belt humor circuit never 'talked dirty' as Jackie Mason often told his audiences.
  • Will Ad... DS in O... 2012/10/02 13:23:17
    Will Advocate of  PHAET
    +2
    JacKie Mason and Milton Berle were 2 of my favorites!

    JacKie Mason and Milton Berle
    Milton Berle
  • fuzzy K... DS in O... 2012/10/02 13:34:37 (edited)
    fuzzy Ken "In G*d We Trust"
    +1
    Jackie Mason was wrong. They did.

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2014/04/23 17:02:11