Funny Christmas tales anyone??

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel
contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.
It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them.



What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to
an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go,
you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're
kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I
made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
come in many different models. The top of the line, > according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book
on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.'
She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of
imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY
happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start
to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay
said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal
by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!