Anxiety-Ridden Man...

Link 2012/05/02 20:55:43


Anxiety-Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed Of Every Single Thing He Does

'We Are All Silently Judging Him At Every Moment, Just As He Suspects,' Acquaintances Say

May 2, 2012 |

ISSUE 48•18 arm

Gibula, whose every mistake and humiliation is vividly remembered by everyone who knows him.

OAKLAND, CA—Friends and colleagues of copywriter Timothy
Gibula confirmed Wednesday that the anxiety-ridden 36-year-old is right
to feel ashamed of every single thing he does, considering that all his
acquaintances are, exactly as he fears, actively judging him at all

Validating every feeling of remorse and social anxiety the man has
ever felt, sources close to Gibula told reporters his perpetual anguish
over his words and actions could not be more justified, as all of his
missteps—ranging from minor lapses of politeness to his overall slightly
disappointing career trajectory—are immediately perceived by those
around him as evidence of his inadequacy as a human being.

"Tim's the kind of guy who is forever second-guessing his behavior,
as if the people in his life are constantly scrutinizing every single
move he makes, and he's completely correct about that—we are," said
Paula Ramirez, a coworker who admitted she can barely look at Gibula
without a medley of his most embarrassing moments replaying in her
head. "Anytime he's been petrified at the thought of social interaction
or obsessively reexamined something he's said, his fears have been
entirely reasonable, given our nonstop monitoring of his behavior."

"In fact, no matter what else I have going on, I always find time to
think about Tim, whether it's a tiny faux pas he's made or one of the
major failures in his life," Ramirez continued. "I barely find time to
do anything else, really."

Friends and colleagues said that, just as Gibula suspected, each and
every one of them is able to precisely recall numerous shameful
instances in his life, from his introducing himself to someone after
having already met them once, to at least three occasions in which his
zipper was left down after exiting the bathroom, to that one time at the
office holiday party when Karen was waving goodbye and he went in for a
hug instead.

In addition, hundreds of slight acquaintances who may have only
encountered Gibula once or twice claimed they were able to draw clear
conclusions about his entire personality from the fact that he still
can't afford to drive anything better than a 2004 Hyundai Elantra, and
that he's in his mid-30s and still not in any sort of long-term

"Sometimes if Tim's not around we'll all just spend an entire
afternoon picking apart everything about him, whether it's his taste in
clothing or his political opinions, which are inarticulate and vague at
best," said Ted Staley, a friend who went on to mention that virtually
any moment Gibula opens his mouth is a moment in which his whole
character and reputation are on the line. "The other day someone pointed
out that it looked like his hairline may have receded a bit, and we
laughed about that for hours."

"My favorite part is getting to hear about a humiliating thing he did
that I wasn't there to witness firsthand," Staley added. "It's
important to me to be kept in the loop of how badly he's fucking up."

According to former classmates, even as a student Gibula was,
justifiably, always feeling humiliated, and the stupid things he regrets
having done in high school and hopes are long forgotten are in fact
freshly remembered by all who know him.

"Others may try to convince themselves that, given all the time that
has passed, no one could possibly recall every minute and embarrassing
thing that happened years ago to someone else, but Tim clearly knows
better," ninth-grade classmate Will Anderson said. "To be honest, those
few times his mind has wandered back to that high school dance where he
sat alone awkwardly as everyone paired off couldn't possibly match the
number of times everyone else thinks about it. Hell, I haven't seen Tim
in almost 20 years, and not a day goes by I don't think about that dance
and what a loser he was."

At press time, every single person who has ever known Tim Gibula is laughing about the way he throws a ball.years dance loser press person tim gibula laughing throws ball

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  • Fran-Halen 2012/05/03 00:04:30
    I thought I had issues.
  • sockpuppet 2012/05/02 21:40:33
    These things are priceless...! Thanks for the great laugh! :OD
  • Q 2012/05/02 21:25:18
    Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on it it's only good for wallowing in.
  • Link Q 2012/05/03 03:06:26
    Very true, very true, indeed...

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