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And then the fight started...(jokes)

jim 2011/02/05 22:55:05



Thought you might get a good laugh from these...

laugh










HOW TO START A FIGHT









One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery


plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her


a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still


haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started.....


________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire


while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want


to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your


final answer?'


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took


my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"


"Nah, she can order for herself."


And that's when the fight started.....


________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,


and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he


sat alone at a nearby table.


I asked her, "Do you know him?"


"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took


to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear


he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


And then the fight started...


________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me


that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take


care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something more


important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.


When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily


snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for


a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and


when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish


cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


_______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's


on TV?" I said, "Dust."


And then the fight started...

doctors walk limp wife sat flipping channels tvnbsp dust fight


________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and


slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and


proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing


50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I


discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the


house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my


wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather


out there is terrible."


My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband


is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...


________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.


She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."


I bought her a bathroom scale.


And then the fight started......


_______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.


The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my


age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the


woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly


silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and


she processed my Social Security application..When I got home, I excitedly told


my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should


have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And then the fight started...


________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy


with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really


need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


And then the fight started........=)

You!
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  • Hannie 2011/02/06 00:29:48
    Hannie
    +2
    Lol, I saw this before, it's still as funny as it was the second time around!
  • Autarchic 2011/02/05 23:05:16
    Autarchic
    +2
    Very understandable!

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