Alien World To Help
Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To
March 14, 2012 |
IMPERIAL CITY, PLANET ZARKLOM 12—Frustrated by "the
astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of
their own kind" in Syria, the emperor of Zarklom 12 announced Wednesday
he had no choice but to dispatch his own intergalactic forces from 3
million light years away to end the senseless bloodshed.
From his floating palace within his gaseous planet's swirling clouds
of blue-green ammonia, Supreme Emperor and Dynastic Overlord Thuu'l told
reporters that while the human race appeared willing to sit idly by,
the planet of Zarklom 12 could no longer turn a blind eye to the
mounting casualties in the yearlong uprising against President Bashar
"We have monitored the ongoing violence in the region of your world
known as Syria, and we find ourselves as disgusted by your reluctance to
stop it as we are horrified by the deaths themselves," said Thuu'l, an
oily, amoeba-like creature who held in his pseudopod a U.N. report
indicating al-Assad's forces have killed more than 7,500
civilians. "It's unbearable to watch even from the far end of the
Triangulum Galaxy, and yet you who dwell upon the same planet continue
to tolerate it. How is that possible?"
"We understand your species is primitive, but surely even your
simplistic, half-formed consciences recognize that this cannot be
allowed," Thuu'l continued. "Regardless, we have no choice but to take
matters into our own hands. Our stellar armada is already on its way.
Please do not distract our vessels with your air defenses."
Sources from Zarklom 12 say they have watched human inaction to the Syria crisis with “shock and alarm.”
Clarifying his intentions, Thuu'l assured uneasy reporters the
operation was not a wholesale invasion of Earth but a very narrow
offensive aimed at dislodging the al-Assad family from power; liberating
cities such as Homs, which has been shelled by tanks and rockets
unremittingly for a month; and freeing thousands of Syrians—many of them
children—who have been imprisoned and tortured purely for political
With these goals achieved, a mission the emperor said his infinitely
superior military could complete in "less than 20 of your Earth
minutes," the alien forces will reportedly withdraw to an unobtrusive
distance of five parsecs to monitor peacekeeping efforts before finally
returning to their home world.
"Understand that your tiny planet is of no strategic importance to us
and that we are reluctantly interfering in human affairs only because
your pathetic inaction has put us in this position," Thuu'l said. "Just
this once we will take on this responsibility for you. Do not expect us
to save you from yourselves again. From what we've seen, you don't
"It defies all universal logic that the leading nations of your
planet failed to agree on a simple resolution calling for an end to the
violence in Syria," added the emperor, expressing bafflement at the
human species' "obvious failure to morally evolve." "Why would you not
sign such a document? Do you not want the violence to stop?"
When told intervention on the part of the world community would be
fraught with political complications, the emperor shook his bulbous,
reddening macronucleus and asked why Earth's civilization had not been
sufficiently organized to prevent such basic, horrendous plights as the
widespread mass murder of its own members.
"Humans should not be permitted to do these terrible things to other
humans," Thuu'l said. "Surely you must understand that much. You are
sentient beings, correct?"
When reached for comment, President al-Assad reiterated his denials
of a brutal government crackdown and said he was prepared to die. At
press time, with the U.N. continuing to urge Syria to allow the delivery
of humanitarian aid, the sound of artillery had paused as 100,000
spacecraft filled the sky.
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