A modest proposal:

For centuries, (I'm assuming, I'm not actually going to do any research
on this) Man has presented Woman with a diamond ring upon requesting her
hand in marriage. These diamonds are then squealed over and compared to
friends' diamonds. We are bombarded with radio television and billboard
ads telling us that the only way to truly express our love is with more
diamonds.I have examined this and I have to ask why. Diamonds are hard,
colorless stones with sharp, angular planes that give off absolutely no
warmth. Their only positive features are an ability to withstand nearly
any abuse and the fact that they are "sparkly," an attribute that the
Twilight series has proven is especially attractive for women.

I feel, though, that diamonds are representative of all that is dark in
mankind. They inspire greed and avarice. The mining of them leads to
wars and slavery. They appeal to the most primitive parts of our minds,
that part which goes "oooh, shiny."

With this in mind, I offer the following proposal: Instead of presenting
your intended with a cold shiny rock, how about giving her (or him, I'm
a modern kind of guy) a puppy.

Unconditional love in a warm, wriggling, slobbery little package.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Michael you cheapskate, you just want
to save money! You can get a puppy for next to nothing at any animal
shelter." This could not be further from the truth. If we look at this
from the fiscal perspective, a diamond requires one single large outlay
of cash, whereas a dog will require food, shelter, medical care, shots,
possibly some minor surgery (sorry boy), and incidental purchases for
its entire life. These will more than outstrip the cost of the average
engagement ring. So what do you think people? Can we replace the diamond
with the Engagement Puppy? Am I brilliant, or what?



P.S. I am actually a cat person, but I cannot in good conscience suggest
that a cat represents unconditional love. They offer at best,
unconditional indifference.