A few you wouldn't tell your kids! So don't!
The Birdman
2012/06/04 11:02:46
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Two guys
are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a
little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy,
smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation
and begs her for a drink.
The woman says, "Sure, if you have sex with
me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in
this desert, than have sex with you."
The second man wants to live and agrees to do the
deed. He and the woman enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The
woman says, "Well, let's do it!"
The man agrees to start but only if she will close
her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob.
He picks one up, uses it on her and throws it out the window. The woman opens
her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The woman is
finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man
calls his friend in and informs him that the woman is going to give them some
water.
The friend replies, "The hell with the water,
I want some more of that buttered corn."
The
75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked
into the resort hotel.
The following morning, the old boy came strutting
into the dining room, looking great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded
to order an enormous breakfast.
He laughed and joked and was in obvious good
spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later,
looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
her to repeat the order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused
himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the
bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
like a million bucks and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"
"The old guy double-crossed me!" the
bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I
thought he was talking about money!"
A man goes into a
restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly
voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks,
“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful
frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you
like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A
quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over
and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and
whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
Top Opinion
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Wanderer 2012/06/04 19:30:19
Distinction between Guts and Balls
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the
Guts to ask, "are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere" ?
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, "You're next, Chubby".
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Brains - Is having the common sense not to get yourself in a late nite situation where you have to come up with some wild comments that could get you killed!
I'd hope I have a set of brains hanging, it's safer!
Not that you need reassurance! Oh dang! I did it again!!!!! WE'RE TALKING ABOUT FONT, right?????
STOP NOW LOVITA!!!!!!!
Don't you worry, I'll work something out so we get into the pearlie gates with our other sodahead friends!!!!! if we still have any friends left, that is............ooops!