My LifeStory

I was cursed from birth. From my
childhood all the way up to now. I've been embarrassed at such a young
age, I was weird. Did weird stuff. Why?Because something happened to me
when I was younger. No ones knows, and I'm not telling anyone either.
But I think about it almost everyday, sometimes I think it gets in the
way of me doing things. I think it has emotionally scarred me. I wish I
could just forget about it and move on. I try, but deep down I know it
still haunts me. I don't have a normal life, most people think I do.
But they really have no clue. I've moved around over 19 times. City to
city, state to state. My mom and dad do drugs, crystal meth. I'm not judging them, I'm not saying they've neglected me. I'm not saying they've ever beaten me, and they can do whatever they want anyways. They're grown adults, it's their life. But sometimes, I wonder how life would be if they didn't do that stuff...didn't spend our money on it. They've been doing it since I've been born, longer, since my 25 year older sister has been born. But I'm glad they're okay still. I just grew up around drugs and that kind of stuff, nothing in my life was "innocent" and "hidden" from me.
I feel as if I grew up too fast. I wanna be a kid again, I wanna do
things over again, I wanna restart. But unfortunately life doesn't give
us that option. At the age of 10 I moved to Las Vegas to live with my older sister, Jessica. Why? Because we were being evicted from our apartment we were currently living at. Couldn't afford it anymore...I think you know why. I'm not gonna lie, I was excited.
Something new, somewhere new, just a nice fresh start. Plus I looked up
to her so much, so I was excited to actually spend some time with her.
But my sister herself, use to do coke/crystal. She was clean when I
went to Vegas to live with her though. She's a stripper. I have no problem with that. You gotta do what you gotta do to support yourself.
But being a stripper and working at a dance club, you're gonna be
around a lot of alcohol. So, she came home a lot completely drunk,
causing fights with her and her boyfriend. But I was use to this
because my mom and dad fought A LOT back home in Phoenix, Arizona.
And everything ended up being okay the next morning anyways. But
besides that, things were great. I was genuinelly happy. We ended up
moving into a bigger house, where I got my first OWN room.
Things were good.I had to go to school though, and I've never liked
school since 3rd grade. I hated waking up early, I hated the people
there, I hated the rules, I hated the work, I hated everything. And I
would do anything in my power to avoid it. Like, crying in
mornings...causing fights with me and my sister, but I just DID NOT want
to go. One time, the truency officer had to come over just to take me
to school.I've always done this, just like back in PHX, AZ. I would do
this with my mom, and she would be furious with me. We would get in soo
many fights. My dad would be REALLY mad at me too. I remember one time I stayed home... I was crying,
because my dad was yelling, and I remember him hitting me. But that was
only once, and there was a reason for it. I still love him though. But
I'll never forget that. Anyways, back to Vegas...We all know nothing
lasts forever. And it was time for me to hop off the happy train. My
sister had gotten pregnant. It was an accident. Like most. But she
decided to keep the baby. And she can't be pregnant AND a stripper, that just doesn't work. She couldn't drink anymore.
And now she couldn't work. So her boyfriend started working 2 jobs! But
unfortunately, this wasn't enough to pay all the bills, and soon
enough...our power got shut off. We couldn't afford to turn it back on,
and even if we did get the money, we still couldn't afford to pay the
rent. So we then had to move, again, to live with my sisters boyfriends
moms house. Luckily, her house was pretty big so I still had my own
room. But me and Jessica just didn't feel comfortable there. Because it
wasn't OUR house, OUR stuff, OUR food... And me and Jessica couldn't
have fun like we use to because of her pregnancy. So I was slowly but
surely getting sadder and sadder. In December, she gave birth to her
first son, Gage. And my first nephew. I was an aunt. He was a cutie.
And of course, she has to take care of him, putting all her attention
on him. I felt left out, replaced, jealous, I just felt as if I lost my
best friend. This only made me even SADDER. So, we all decided it was
time for me to leave. Back to Phoenix, with my mom and dad. My sister
had a family of her own now that she had to focus on and I couldn't be
interfearing with that. So after 2 year of living in Vegas with my
sister, I was now heading back. I'm not gonna like, I wasn't that
excited...only because I knew what I was in for back home. No room to
myself, 1 bathroom, cheapy food (lol), a small small house, with just a
tiny living room, a TINY kitchen, and 1 bedroom and a tiny bathroom
(that had mold in the shower), with no cable. But I really was excited
to see my mom, dad, and brother after a while. But I just ended up
being sadder than I was before. I missed Vegas so much, I missed
everything I had, and my sister. But they tried their best. We ended up
moving into another place, but that wasn't better. It was infested with cockroaches. My worst fear.
I was even scared to go to sleep at night, it was terrible. We didn't
stay there long, because of that. We ended up moving farther, and it
was better. I had my own room at least. There was room for privacy at
least. But we still didn't really have furniture or anything. I had a
bed and a tv. And we had a laptop. That's what I spent most of my time
on since I wasn't going to school. They didn't even bother trying to
put me in school because they knew what would happen. All the fights
and crying and refusing. So they just let me do my own thing. But I would spend all day/night on that laptop. Talking to my only friends, my ONLINE, VIRTUAL friends...I
didn't have real ones because I didn't go to school to meet anyone.
This made me DEPRESSED because I wanted a life... So when my dad went
to a family reunion one month, he talked to his sister (my aunt) about
me moving up there with her (Oregon) to live with her and her
family...to get me back in school. Because her husband was a vice
principle. I've never met them though. So I really had to think about
it. But I wanted to go. I wanted to do something with my life. So once
again, I was leaving, by myself on a plane, going to a state where I've
never been, to live with people whom I've never even met. But I think I
made the right choice. Because living there, I actually experienced
life, and what it's all about. They lived in a cute little town, where
basically everyone knew each other. They had 2 cars, a 2 story house,
and they weren't RICH, but they definately weren't poor. They had
money. This was all so new to me. They had a dog and cat, and 2 kids.
One was jsut a few months older than me and one was 2 year younger than
me. Me and the eldest got along pretty good. But me and the younger one
didn't speak much... I was so grateful for them though, just opening up
their homes and letting me into their lives to help me? It was so nice.
I ended up getting my own room! I even got to paint it any color I
wanted. I've always wanted a pink room, so I chose to pain it bubblegum
pink :) I had a nice cozy bed, and a cute comforter. I had one of those
things that hung over the bed like a net. It felt like a princess bed.
lol, they had bought me a dresser, desk, chair, another chair, mirrors,
posters, stuffed animals, clothes, makeup, shoes, food, gifts, I had an
actual room, and actual life, actual stuff. I was so happy! Me and the
girls even ended up getting our first own personal phones. That was the
most exciting moment ever. I was going to school, I had even caught
back up to my normal grade...7th grade. I originally started in 6th
grade at the beginning of the school year cause I had gotten held back
because of all the days I missed in Phoenix, but with the help of them,
they managed to get me back into 7th grade in about the middle of the
school year. I had friends, I was doing stuff, I was enjoying life, I
was happy again.But again, nothing lasts forever.... So after about 7/8
months of living in Oregon, we decided it was time for me to move back
to Phoenix... because me and them, were completely different people. I
was a party person, they were religious people. I am not religious at
all. They follow the rules, I like to break some. So sometimes we
wouldn't see eye to eye on a lot of things. But this was okay...because
no one's the same, and you can't just change people. So we thought it'd
be for the best if I went back home. So I was back in Phoenix, I didn't
have a room now, because when I left my brother took it over. So now I
was sleeping on the couch in the living room with my mom. I wasn't too
sad till I really thought about it and realized everything I now didn't
have anymore... I had to go to school in Phoenix now too, it was almost
the end of the school year, a new girl, that wasn't very fun. Not to
mention, our car had broke down so I had to take the bus to school too.
But me, hating school, started to refuse to go again. I never did this
in Oregon though, I don't know... I never even finished the school year
at either schools... I didn't really make much friends either, and if I
did, it's not like I could go hangout with them because I had no
car/money to take me there. So I would just be stuck at home, bored.
And this time in Phoenix we had no cable/internet. So it was REALLY
boring. This is when I started smoking pot. I never really thought
about smoking it. My brother was the pothead in the family. Well, at
first it was my sister, but she grew out of it. But my brother stuck to
it. I was more of a drinker. Smoking pot never really crossed my mind.
But one time, my brother offered, so I was like, "Okay." That's when it
all started. I loved it though. It cured our boredum. All we had to do
is get high, and anything was fun. Haha. But I was still sad. I had no
room, no friends, no privacy, we had no car, and barely any money since
my dad and brother were the only ones working. But my brothers job paid
so little since he didn't finish high school, nor did my sister... But
me and my sister were talking and she said I could go back to vegas to
live with her. Since Gage was older, and they were getting their own
place. And I could babysit Gage while she and Jay worked, and then I
could make money. I was excited again. So she drove down from Vegas to
Phoenix, and I packed all my stuff and was moving back with her. I was
so happy. Things were pretty good. I had to go to school in Vegas, but
I was fine with that. I was making money, going to school, making
friends...getting my life back on track.But then our car broke down
here too! I thought I had some weird curse where everywhere I go, I
break cars... So every morning I had to wake up at 5:30, get myself
ready, walk myself 1.6 miles to school, and walk myself back. It sucked
at the time but looking back at it, I felt good about myself, I felt
independent. And most of the times after school I would go to the park
and hangout with my friends anyways. So it was all good. And guess
what? I was finally happy again! ...you should know what happens after
I get happy though. Yup, it all went downhill again. My sister and her
Husband were getting into fights, she swore she didn't love him
anymore. She had met someone new at her work, and they went out and
started dating. We had to move out of our house we were currently
living in anyways because it was getting foreclosed on. So me, my
sister, and gage ended up moving into her NEW boyfriends apartment with
him. While Jay, her husband ended up moving in with some friends.
Jessica would get gage for half of the week while Jay would get him for
the rest of the week. They were still married but were planning to get
a divorce. My sister had no car of her own though. And again, we didn't
feel comfortable at his house either because it wasn't our stuff... But
when we moved, I ended up leaving my friends, and school. I had to then
go to a NEW school, but this school sucked. They wouldn't allow me to
have piercings and they told me my hair was too big? I'm pretty
stubborn and they just pissed me the fuck off. I refused, so I didn't
go back to that school. But since I 'HAD' to go to school, my sister
had to send me back to Phoenix, Arizona so I could go to a school that
would allow me to have piercings and stuff... I was sad because I knew
everything would just turn to shit again... But her boyfriend had found
out things from my sister past, that started fights. He then told us to
get out. This was at night. We had to pack all we could and get out. We
had no money, no car, nothing. But luckily my sister had friends. So
thank god, one of her friends had picked us up in the cold and drove us
to a hotel and paid for it for the night. Me and my sister had
originally planned that me and her and gage were going to take a
Greyhound bus so we could all live in Phoenix, so she could go to work,
while my mom watched gage, and she could get money to get back on her
feet. But you know how fights go...they ended up making up and she
ended up moving back in with him. But I, still had to leave to Phoenix
because of the whole school situation. So the next day, they drove me
to the airport and I had to say goodbye. Fighting back my tears because
I knew what was going to happen... I was excited to see my family
though, but we still had no car. So me and my mom had to take a bus
home with my luggage. It was embarrassing. Not gonna lie. But they were
now living in the Budget Suites. It's like a hotel apartment complex.
It was TINY AS FUCK. I had no more room to myself, no friends, no
privacy, I was sad once again. I was suppose to go to a school down the
street, but guess what? We had to move. Why? Because my moms sister (my
aunt) sent us a joint through the mail, and they found out and they
kicked us out. So we ended up moving here, where I'm living now. Studio
6. A hotel. No room, Well one big room, WHERE WE ALL LIVE. With 1
bathroom. And no cable. No privacy what so ever. Just 2 beds, in one
room. This is my home. We have no car, my mom doesn't work, my brother
doesn't work. My dad's the only one working. But I went to school for a
bit living here, ACAA, Arizona Conservitory of Arts and Academics. It's
a charter school. But they allowed me to keep my piercings and hair at
least. And no school fridays! But I still hated it. I made some
friends, but never hung out with them outside school. Why? I don't
know. I have social anxiety. I have a hard time talking to people. I'm
shy, socially awkward. I'm insecure, and self consious. Plus, we live
in a hotel, not like I can invite anyone over. We have no car, not like
I can go anywhere... Plus, I just wasn't comfortable around people I
can't be myself around. It takes some time for me to come out of my
shell, and no one ever waits long enough... they just move on from me.
But I still hated school I had to take the city bus there and back by
myself, I started refusing again, crying, me and my mom would get into
fights. One time we got into a BAD fight. She was mad at me, yelling at
me to go. I had my backpack and left, but this time I didn't walk to
the bus stop to go to school. Instead I decided to walk around. Ditch I
guess... I didn't know where to go...I had called my mom and she was
pissed, she said, "DON'T COME BACK HOME TILL 4:20!" (I got out of
school at 4:00) So I took her word. But my phone was dying, it had a
low battery and was about to die. So I had turned my phone off to save
energy so I could check the time later on to start heading home at
4:20... So I was just walking around by myself. Trying to pass the time
away. I had no where to go, so I found this spot behind this building
and just sat there, waiting for time to pass. But I didn't know that my
mom was trying to get a hold of me (because my phone was off)
Apparently she was texting/calling me to come home because she knew I
wasn't at school and she was worried cause I had no food out there or
anything. Plus me not answering my phone/texts scared her. She thought
I had gotten kidnapped and raped. So she was calling everyone. Asking
if they've seen me. She had everyone worried. She even called the cops.
They were gonna put out an amber alert. But the police officer told her
to at least wait till 4:20. I turned my phone on at about 4:00 to see
her texts and calls. So I decided to go home. When I got there, she was
crying, hugging me. She was so worried, and she told me everything that
happened. She told me I didn't have to go to school anymore because she
said it wasn't worth losing me... So I never finished the school year
at ACAA... And now, I'm here typing this...We still live in a hotel,
still have no car, and I still don't hangout with anyone. I'm still
pretty sad. This is why I've typed this up. To get it all out. I think
about this too much. To there point where I start crying out of
nowhere. Because there were times in my life where I was so happy. And
it just always goes downhill for me. I'm aware that life is about
experiencing the good and the bad. But this is so much for me at my
age. Usually kids my age are out enjoying their life, they grow up with
their parents, in their one house, in their room full of memories,
hanging with their friends from grade school. Not me. I get jealous of
people like that. I don't feel normal at all. I know there really isn't
such a thing as 'normal' but I feel completely fucked. All I have is
bad luck. I have nothing. Just my clothes/makeup. All my belongings are
left in Vegas... And recently I found out I have acid reflux. My hair
is completely ruined, damaged, dry, and brittle. Not to mention the
color is extremely ugly. I regret trying to dye it light brown. What
was I thinking? Black hair to light brown? I thought I could do it, but
of course, I was wrong. Like always. So my mom just got me black
hairdye so I can have black hair again. I hope the black comes out, but
knowing my luck. It won't. And it'll just damaged my hair even more,
making me go bald most likely. Even if the color does turn out, I'm
still gonna have to wait for it to repair itself. I haven't left this
stupid ass room in a whole fucking month. I think I'm going crazy. I
know everyone says, "It's just hair, no ones gonna care." Yeah, well, I
care. I'm weird like that, it's just me. And I refuse. THEN, I'm gonna
have to take a bus all the way across town to exchange my fucking hair
extensions. How much you wanna bet there's gonna be a problem with that
too? Weed's the only thing that keeps me sane really, the only thing
that can lift my spirits, at least for a weekend.My dad gets paid every
other weekend, so that's the only time anything really goes on. Other
than that, me, my mom, and brother just sit in this room all day bored,
watching tv... I hate it, I miss having a life... SO BEFORE YOU THINK
YOU KNOW ME, AND WANT TO BE ME, YOU REALLY FUCKING DON'T, BECAUSE I
DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE MYSELF. I know some people have it a lot worse,
but so many people have it a lot better. And this is only just from the
last 4 years... I missed some stuff too. But oh well, this is the stuff
that I especially remember...