This can be found here.


Mark Reads 'Twilight': Archive and Chapter Notes



Here's a comprehensive summary of every single chapter review I've done. This is mostly for my scatterbrain in my head, as I can never remember which review featured a fake court transcript and which creeped me out because I imagined my own death. As an added bonus so that this is not a complete waste of digital space, I will share my intimate and maddening chapter notes for each chapter. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to painfully reminisce about Twilight.

First things first: I cannot believe I have three more books to go through. I am not excited.

There was a brief moment Friday when I opened the box from Andi and Dawn where I was actually elated. I think I was just blown over by such an act of kindness that I proudly displayed all the hardcover books with the handmade card sitting on top on my desk.

I came into work this morning and groaned. I'm going to have to actually read these. Ugh. So let's get on with this.



The 'Mark Reads Twilight' Archive



Chapter 1: In which Bella is way too popular and only exists as a literary example of the Xzibit meme.

NOTES:



Phoenix only 75?

'I was wearing' repetition

description of Forks reads exactly like Wiki entry

No one loves Phoenix

but still...

bad grammar

p7 STOP WHINING

p8 Air cannot be green.

p9 Bathroom sharing

p9 crying

p11 description of Charlie's house is solid

p13 Meyer feels like she makes her characters announce their actions.

p14 No one going to bite LOL

p16 Bella is a dick

p20 Cullen introduction is about as subtle as a brick

p22 Bella sounds like a stalker

p23 Why is Bella such a klutz?

p26 everyone wants Bella??

(I very quickly decided that I had to reference what page I was on or this would be a mess.)





Chapter 2: In which Mark predicts (correctly) what the three main motifs will be throughout the book.

Notes:



p29 Don't understand how Bella fits in on day two. Again, Meyer feels like she's going through the motions with book in order to get to later parts, as if it's a chore.

p30 Already longing Edward???

p34 Bella's email is written with the same mediocrity and grammar fail as Meyer.

p37 The rest of the week was uneventful, as is THIS BOOK SO FAR.

p41 Bella is a creep

p43 FIRST USE OF THE WORD DAZZLING. OH GOD. SO BAD.

P46 Worst science experiment ever.

p49 Hottest dude evar is talking to you and you are a total dick.





Chapter 3: In which Mark discusses the "I Am Going To Do Something Spectacular And Clearly Attention-Grabbing In Front Of Plenty Of People, Yet No One Is Going To Notice Except (Conveniently) The Main Character" Phenomenon

Notes: I didn't take any notes for this chapter. I was in a rush, so I merely wrote the review at the same time I was reading through the chapter.



Chapter 4: In which Mark has his first public breakdown over reading the novel and the terrible things inside of it.

Notes:



p69 guess what. no one saw edward. awesome.

p70 Edward is a dick. contradiction: Do not see presence, yet clearly is physically acknowledging it. also, bella is in love already.

p71-73 holy awkward

p74 acknowledging weirdness, but still going forward?

p75 awesome. back to being a dick.

p75-76 must address bella's eternal clumsiness

p77 EVERYONE ASKING TO GO TO DANCE WTF.

p82/83 dude of your dreams is asking to hang out with you IDIOT





Chapter 5: In which Mark introduces, Twilight: An Act in Multiple Parts, including Act 1, Scenes 1-4.

Notes: I didn't take any. See the Author's Notes for my thoughts.



Chapter 6: In which Mark writes a fake court transcript that complains about Bella's manipulation and also contains one of the only compliments to Meyer's writing.

Notes:



p110 Macbeth reference whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

p114 Easy to make Mike happy

p117 awesome tide pool description RUINED

p117 still falling

p118-119 jacob lol

p121 WHO IS LAUREN AND WHY IS SHE SO TERRIBLE

p122 Bella is manipulative

p124 the cold ones = worst metaphor for vampires of all time

p126-127 First legit bit of attraction and normal conversation. this is going to get ruined, isn't it?





Chapter 7: In which Mark deems Twilight to be the World's Worst Book Ever, provides four points as to why Meyer will never, ever be able to live past the wankery in chapter 7, which includes Bella narrating her use of the internet, and also shockingly discovers that Bella gets emo to Linkin Park.

Notes:



p130 self harm is awesome

p131 edward sparkles for the first time

p131 Edward PURRS

p133 BELLA USES THE FUCKING INTERNET OH MY GOD.

this isn't happening what the fuck

p134 this is basically a summary of how Stephenie Meyer researched the book, isn't it?

p135 what's wrong with you? your author hates you

p139 He's not sinister...WHAT

p139 analyzing her dream

what

wht

athahsdfjh

p143 Meyer uses the word misogynistic....what.

p145 girlfriends...don't you HATE THESE PEOPLE

p146 bella becomes a goth

p148 jane austen RUINED

p149 not explain to a women? hahah WHAT





Chapter 8: In which both Bella and Edward write letters to their author.

Notes:



p153 why is this so out of character WHY DOES SHE ACT LIKE THIS

p157 oh god. guess: Bella is going to be attacked and Edward will SAVE HER.

p160 WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. This turned into a LIFETIME SPECIAL.

p161 sugar. he used the word sugar

p161 did meyer google these techniques. what.

p162 instant security. this is the start of bella being the worst woman ever

p163 why is he ordering her around omg worst potential boyfriend EVER

p164 edward has an anger problem. FUCKING SURPRISE.

p167 DAZZLE OH GOD SHE USED DAZZLE AGAIN. HOLY FUCK.

p168 "Do I dazzle you?" FUCKING SHOOT ME THIS IS AMAZING

p169 more ORDERING

p170 i can't handle this YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON

p173 edward: I thought you were a stupid girl. SILLY ME.

p175 JUST FUCK ALREADY

p178 Meyer is just FILLING PAGES AT THIS POINT


Chapter 9: In which Mark imagines his own death due to "Twilightism."

Notes:



p180 followed...her...scent... creepiest novel of ALL TIME

p181 edward drives like a douchebag

p184 dazzling again PLEASE SHOOT ME

p186 oh god they are FINALLY just talking about him being a fucking vampire

it took 186 pages thank fucking GOD

p188 BY THE WAY BELLA, JUST SO YOU KNOW I THINK YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID

p189 foreshadowing of sparkle. kill me now

p190 you are already crying over someone you've talked to like FIVE TIMES.

p192 edward foreshadows himself. can Stephenie meyer PLEASE LET ME BE SURPRISED.

p193 concentrated breath

p195 sdfkl;sadfkjlafsd;kl vomit vomit vomit





Chapter 10: In which Mark gets SRS BSNS to discuss how it appears both characters are willingly stalking each other, as well as the discovery that Edward Cullen eats mountain lions.



Notes:



p196 bella clings to his smell please shoot me

p197 "colossal tribute." This is definitely fanfiction.

p198 Bella continues to smell Edward's jacket. what. what. what.

p198 vampires "like to drive fast." there is no hope

p200 Edward assists Bella's psychosis by READING PEOPLE'S MINDS. WHAT

WHAT

WATHSDFKHLAD;FLAK

P205 bella gossiping. so vapid please kill me now.

p206 edward is in line getting food like he is 8. this is WAY TOO WEIRD FOR ME

p207 edward PLEASE STOP READING MINDS

p209 STOP FUCKING USING THE WORLD DAZZLING. STOP IT STOP STOPAISODFSKLJADFSLJK;ADFSJKL;ASDFL;JKADFSJKL;ADFS

p209 "liquid topaz eyes" fkljsdf;alskdfja;ljfa;djfa;

p210 HEY BELLA. BIG SURPRISE. EVERYONE IN THIS SCHOOL LOVES YOU BUT YOU ARE SO FUCKING SELF-INVOLVED YOU DON'T NOTICE IT.

p211 Bella actually thinks about getting in trouble just so Edward can save him.

p213 smoldering eyes. this is porn.

p215 edward eats MOUNTAIN LIONS

WHAT

THE

FUCK

Chapter 11: In which Mark shares his note-taking process via photos of his notebook.
Notes: They're there. Just look!
Chapter 12: In which Mark summarizes the 12th chapter of Twilight with just images.
Notes:
p237 Yeah, Bella, sorry that Jacob interpreted your fake-interest as real interest. YOU ASSHOLE.

p240 aw Bella's dad is kind of sweet.

p245 more mind melting lovey-dovey nonsense

p247 NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

P248 MORE CHEEK TOUCHING. WHYYYYY

p249 BELLA CRUSHES HEARTS

p251 Why is she lying to everyone? I DON'T GET THIS

p253 Is bella going to crash? DON'T LOOK AT EDWARD CULLEN AND DRIVE

p259 OH MY GOD THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.



Chapter 13: In which Mark continues, Twilight: An Act in Multiple Parts, with Act 2, scene 2.

Notes:



p260 THIS IS HAPPENING. OH MY FUCKING GOD EDWARD IS SPARKLING IN THE SUN WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

P260 WHY IS HE SINGING TO HIMSELF WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS PORN WHTA THE FUCK

p261 BUTTERSCOTCH HOLY SHIT FUCKING KILL ME HOLY SHIT

P262 they are touching holy god i have never wanted death more than now

p262 i have no words left help me

p263 first topaz then black then butterscotch now golden edward is a MASTER OF DISGUISE.

p263 adfsjkladfskljdfasl;jkadfsklj;asdfjkl;dfasjkl;fadsjkl;afds

p264 I won't hurt you, but let me cause damage to EVERYTHING AROUND YOU.

p264 this is an anti-sex metaphor, isn't it?

p265 dazzling again. fuck me.

p266 IT IS A STUPID PREMARITAL SEX METAPHOR. KL;JASDFJKL;AFSD;JKLASDFJKL;

p267 let me use ILLEGAL DRUGS and ALCOHOLISM to build this metaphor

p269 dark alley

p270 this is the most OBVIOUS METAPHOR OF ALL TIME

p270 oh look bella is already blaming herself for the actions of her violent boyfriend. awesome.

p271 by the way i went to alaska. really.

p272 by the way, i'm going to tell you how creepy i am

p273 i'm going to profess my love for you by telling you how i've imagined you as a corpse. you will find this romantic.

p275 the. smell. of. your. throat. this is REVOLTING

p276 this is the worst book ever

p277 stop touching

p281 un fucking believable

p282 worst kiss of all time

p283 hey bella trust ONLY ME and let me order you around





Chapter 14: In which Mark creates the "Top 10 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Might Not Be Right For You, With Evidence Taken Solely Out of Chapter 14 of Twilight."

Notes:



p286 The sun is out...why isn't he sparkling? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

p287 holy shit edward had SWINE FLU

p288 hahaha what how is Carlisle the most compassionate person EVER

p289 oh my god the cullen family tree

kill me

p290 actually, this is kind of tolerable.

p292 damn it, sparkle again

p292 FLATTERED THAT EDWARD SPIED ON HER. WHAT THE FUCK.

p293 It revolved....worst sentence ever written

p293 That depends on...WHAT. WHAT HE IS WATCHING YOU SLEEP WHAT THE FUCK

p294 ;dsalkfjsal;dkfdsakjdfsaljasdfjkljdfsjkl;adfsl;jadfsafds

p296 FUCK YOU BELLA SWAN

p300 i am SO CREEPED OUT RIGHT NOW

p302 "Don't go away." HOW IS THIS ROMANTIC AT ALL.

p303 Edward talking about morality oh my god you do not have a moral fiber in your WHOLE FUCKING BODY.

p304 no privacy. why is Mike "vile"?

p305 WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK

p306 oh my god they are totally going to have sex. WAIT NO THEY ARE NOT.

p306 freesia. what what what what what whsdfkljsahdfkj

p307 what those are not superpowers what the

p308 THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF SUBTLETY. WHAT THE FUCK I HATE YOU MEYER

p308 Oh I see you, clever attempt to discount all evolution in ONE PARAGRAPH

p310 wait WHAT. I COULD BREAK YOU AT ANY MOMENT. what the fuck is this book

p311 i want a swift death. now.





Chapter 15/16: In which Mark imagines what an AIM conversation would be like between Edward and Bella.

Notes:



p312 Thank you, Edward, for stalking me all night.

p313 wait did Edward cut Bella's battery cables???

p314 what the fuck they already LOVE EACH OTHER

p315 this is INSANE HOW ARE THEY ALREADY A DOMESTICATED COUPLE WHAT THE FUCK

p319 i cannot stand this soppy mess.

p320 what the fuck BELLA FAINTS WHILE BEING KISSED. SLAUGHTER ME NOW.

p322 SURPRISE THE CULLENS ARE RICH

p323 HEY I SMELL YOU TOO

p326 OH OF COURSE HE'S A WORLD CLASS COMPOSER. WHAT THE FUCK

P327 EVERYTIME I TOUCH YOU, MY MOM ORGASMS. WHAT THE FUCK

p328 hey just letting you know in advance that I'm going to CONTROL YOUR LIFE

p329 why are you crying PLEASE STOP IT

p329 HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU TASTED HER SAD OH MY GOD

p330 wtf a cross WHAT

p332 buried in POTATOES what the FUCK



p337 deer attack OH MY GOD

p338 YOU DON'T NEED TO BREATHE OMG WHAT IS THIS BOOK

p345 LET ME POUNCE ON YOU AND NEARLY CRUSH YOU

p347 vampire. baseball. please end my life.







Chapter 17: In which Mark imagines that baseball great Vin Scully must announce the vampire baseball chapter of Twilight.

Notes:



p349 holy shit you are a CHILD bella just so you know.

p351 i just realized I've read 350 pages of this book and there is NO MAJOR CONFLICT AT ALL. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

p352 holy shit ANGER.

p357 what the fuck the GODLIKE ONE please kill me

p360 oh my god edward drives a BROMOBILE

p361 this is the worst. stop SMELLING HER.

p362 EDWARD YOU ARE GOING TO RAPE HER AREN'T YOU oh my god kill me now

p363 i do not want to live

p365 please stop blaming edward's mood swings on YOU. YOU FUCKHEAD.

p368 this is the creepiest family of ALL TIME

p369 does bella not understand the basic idea of baseball?

p371 street ballplayers. stephenie meyer is a RACIST

p374 what the fuck. what the fuck.





Chapter 18: In which Mark writes an entire review in ALL CAPS.

Notes:



p376 great more vampires that are all BORING

p377 THIS IS NOT ENGLAND PLEASE PICK BETTER NAMES YOU IDIOT

p378 FUCK THIS I WANT VAMPIRE FIGHTS THIS IS HORRIBLE

380 oh my god this is THE WORST BOOK OF ALL TIME

381 by the way bella I AM KIDNAPPING YOU BUT IT'S TOTALLY OK

p383 OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO STUPID i hate you edward cullen

p385 i literally cannot believe this is happening

386 unintelligible YOU ARE RIGHT THERE HOW CAN YOU NOT HEAR IT

386 just this once LIKE ALWAYS

388 by the way bella IT'S YOUR FAULT I AM A VAMPIRE





Chapter 19: In which Mark writes the saddest chapter review of all time.

Notes:



391 why do you miss emmett he just held you against your will

392 this is the worst thing ever

393 WHY IS HE IN THE ROOM WHAT

BELLA YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE I HOPE YOU DIE

395 utter loss for words

395 did you just

wnatsd;klfjasdfjkls

afskjladfsk

397 by the way, bella, it's your fault because YOU SMELL GOOD WHAT THE FUCK

398 TEAR THEM TO PIECES WHAT

400 why are these vampires half british PLEASE END ME





Chapter 20: In which Mark compares chapter 20 to watching paint dry.

Notes:



p406 WHY ARE YOU CRYING SHUT UP

p406 how do you know you are in california oh my god this is so bad

p406 what the fuck. washington to phoenix in ONE DAY WHAT

p410 by the way, i am the only reasonable character in this PIT OF NONSENSE

p413 holy shit you even manipulate vampires. holy shit please kill yourself now

p414 vampire snakes WHAT

p416 this is bogus. why why why why

p418 sdakflfdsajklsadfjklsadfjklasdfjkl





Chapter 21: In which Mark becomes so bored by the book that he begs for a GIF post.

Notes:



p424 why her mom what.

p425 hahaha HOLY SHIT WHAT FORCING HER TO SLEEP WHAT

p425 three hours in ONE SENTENCE

p428 i don't understand this this is so dumb and not suspenseful at all. WHO IS THIS VOICE.

p429 oh it finally makes sense. this is even dumber than I thought

p430 stop using ellipses. stop.

p432 what the hell that is not Bella's handwriting





Chapter 22: In which Mark ruthlessly mocks Meyer's writing style for an entire review.

Notes:



p434 SURPRISE ALICE ALREADY KNOWS OF COURSE.

p436 this is the worst idea of all time

p436 SHUT UP YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE YOU ARE THE NARRATOR OF THE BOOK

p440 oh my god you are the creepiest girl of all time

p442 stop falling. stop it. stop.

p444 hahahahahahaah amazing this is what you get

P445 STOP. TALKING. LIKE. THAT. STOP IT.

p446 PLEASE STOP TALKING

p448 i said stop talking. WHEN DO VILLAINS NARRATE THEIR ACTIONS. STOP IT.

p450 awesome Meyer likes to beat women


Chapter 23: In which Mark rages about a four page chapter riddled with failure and compares Twilight to the Goosebumps series.

Notes:



p453 what what what what what what

p455 this is seriously not happening

p455 you found his face IT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

p457 what the fuck it's over this chapter SUCKS





Chapter 24/Epilogue: In which Mark stages a fake intervention for Bella.

Notes:



P459 YOU ARE VAMPIRES HOW DO YOU GET TRICKED

p459 fell down stairs omg this is horrible

p460 this is so disgusting. YOU TASTE BETTER THEN YOU SMELL i have never wanted death so badly

p463 WHAT THE FUCK KISSING MAKES BELLA'S HEART STOP WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

p465 aw Bella's mom is kind of nice! wait, that means Meyer is going to ruin it

p467 i think he's in love with you BAWWWWWWWW BELLA'S MOM RULES

p469 burning down a studio is SUBTLE. GO VAMPIRES

p470 what what are you doing you are so stupid i hate this book please end

p471 by the way i haven't known you a month and i literally need you to survive PLEASE KILL YOURSELF

P473 YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT EQUAL. BY A LONGSHOT.

p474 STOP IT. YOU DO NOT LITERALLY NEED HIM THIS BOOK IS SO BAD

p475 i have to live my own life by LIVING YOUR LIFE WHAT THE FUCK

p477 DID YOU LITERALLY JUST THREATEN TO HAVE ANOTHER VAMPIRE KILL YOU

p478 let me insinuate that you will not like me in the future awesome



p482 what dress up what

p483 what is happening. also charlie should MURDER YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD.

p485 WHY ARE YOU MAD THAT YOUR DREAM BOY IS TAKING YOU TO PROM WHAT THE FUCK

p486 there is no more of a revolting character in all of literature. plz die, bella swan

p489 i'm sorry there is no way such an inordinate amount of time passed. what the fuck

p490 i will say it now TEAM JACOB

p493 by the way i am a SOCIAL FUCKBAG WHO IS VIOLENTLY JEALOUS sigh

p495 oh god the title again

p497 oh my god JUST HAVE SEX WE KNOW WHAT THE METAPHOR IS FOR

p498 holy shit THAT'S THE ENDING this is horrible.







And that's it, folks. I hope to never open Twilight again, as long as I live.

If you have any questions as to any references I make in the chapter notes, just ask. Reading back through these has made me remember some truly awful shit in this book. Like Meyer's "street ballplayers" reference. Or Bella's "handwritten" letter at the end of chapter 21. Ugh.

Tomorrow, I post a quick review of the Twilight hate mail I've received. Should be fun!