List of things Emmett Cullen is not allowed to do.

~*luvs2txtppl*~ 2009/10/17 22:13:07

Emmett Cullen is not allowed to:

1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he is gay...

2. ...And that he has a crush on Jasper...

3. ...or Carlisle

4. Tell Alice that pink really isn't her color

5. Attempt to juggle with Esme's china

6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her

7. Microwave Peeps...

8. ...and leave them in Jasper's favorite book

9. Call Bella's mom and tell her "The baby's doing okay" and that Bella and Edward asked him to be godfather

10. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation

11. Use the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

12. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation while using the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

13. In fact, Emmett is not even allowed to think about snapping his fingers in 'Z' formation, saying "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease," Or doing both at the same time

14. Try and start a nudist colony in a school bathroom...

15. ...and invite the teachers giving him detention/trying to get him to put his clothes back on to join...

16. ...and then tell the Guidance Counselor that Rosalie's hair told him to do it

17. Paint Edward's Volvo tie-dye...

18. ...and then say it was Bella's idea

19. Sing any songs generally associated with Gwen Stefani...

20. ...or Britney Spears

21. Sing "Ninety-nine bottles of grizzly blood on the wall.."

22. Furthermore, he is not allowed to sing. Period.

23. Wear a tu-tu and tell everyone to call him Princess Butterfly

24. Liberate (i.e. steal) every pet in town...

25. ...and then sell them back to their owners...

26. ...after shaving them and gluing sequins on them.

27. Attempt to turn inanimate objects, such as pieces of fruit, into vampires

28. Claim aforementioned 'vampire fruit' as his army of loyal minions...

29. ...and try to get them to attack Jasper...

30. ...then throw the 'vampire fruit'/army of loyal minions at Jasper when they do not attack

31. Call Carlisle 'Gramps'...

32. ...especially after Carlisle tells him to turn off his crappy music.

33. Steal Rosalie's stuffed animals and make X-rated movies with them

34. Steal all of Alice's left socks, fill them with rocks and throw them in a river

35. Run through the school naked with "Momma's boy" written on his chest in whipped cream

36. Make subtle innuendos about Edward's sexual repression

37. Make obvious innuendos about Edward's sexual repression

38. Burst into tears and run from the room crying after wailing "I thought we had something special!" when Bella asks him to pass the salt at lunch

39. Write children's books (examples: 'Fun, Four Letter Words to Know and Share'; 'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'; 'Curious George and the High Voltage Fence')

40. Convince Esme that Home Depot has gone out of business and is closing

41. Wear leather pants (no matter how good he looks in them)

42. Scratch " 3MM3TT K!CK A" onto walls...

43. ...and then deny all knowledge of it

45. Dress up in the school mascot uniform and then tackle Edward and Jasper

46. Dye his hair black, wear glasses, carry around a stick and tell hordes of 4th graders he is the real Harry Potter

47. Change any of his male family member's ringtone to "Barbie Girl"

48. Wear Rosalie's underwear around the house (even if the whole family was watching Rocky Horror Picture Show)

49. Replace all of Edward's CDs with bologna slices

and finally...


"You think this ought to do it?" Bella asked Edward, as she straightened the list that she had just hung on the wall. She then stood back to stand next to Edward, Carlisle and Alice as they surveyed the list that now hung on the living room wall.

"Maybe for a week." Jasper commented as he walked by.

"What do you mean pink isn't my color?!" Alice exclaimed.

"Well, it isn't." Emmett's voice was heard from the kitchen.

"Don't listen to him, pink is definitely your color, Alice." Bella said, patting Alice on the back as she seethed.

Just then, a loud BAM! was heard from the kitchen. As one, Bella, Edward, Carlisle and Alice slowly turned their heads to see a fist-sized whole in the wall between the living room and the kitchen.

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!" Came Esme's inevitable scream.

Bella took the ball-point pen Carlisle held out for her.

51. Emmett is not allowed to swat flies with a meat tenderizer...


1. Forcefully dress Carlisle in a disco suit...

2. And then ask him if Barry Manilow knows he raided his wardrobe

3. Steal all of Bella's bras...

4. And then wear the sexiest one over his shirt to school...

5. And claim that he did it to make a statement about gender stereotypes

6. Pants Edward as he's walking to class...

7. Especially in front of a crowd of lust-filled girls

8. Refer to Esme as "The Stepford Wife"

9. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's piano

10. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's car

11. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward's girlfriend (Bella)

12. Claim to have had wild and crazy sex with Edward

13. Claim any of numbers 9 through 12 loudly in the cafeteria

14. Refer to Jasper's empathy as "Jasper's feminine problem"

15. Paint Alice's 911 Turbo a color other than yellow

16. Ask Rosalie if he she thinks he needs a breast reduction, so that his chest will be smaller than hers

17. Tell anyone who will listen that there really is a Voldemort...

18. And that his real name is Aro Volturi

19. Officially declare the third Saturday of every month "Seduce Carlisle Day"

20. Threaten to exsanguinate anybody who annoys him with his "vampire fangs"

21. Repeatedly sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" using items such as Edward's ego, Alice's butt, Bella's klutziness and Jasper's sensitivity as the size of the last coconut

22. Call Debussy "elevator music" in front of Edward

23. Hold Alice's favorite pair of shoes over her head so she has to jump for them

24. Tell everyone that he's pregnant...

25. And the baby's Esme's

26. Call all Texans a bunch of hicks in front of Jasper

27. Wear Rosalie's make up and clothes to school...

28. And then fake sob and tell the guidance counselor that he feels like his family is pressuring him to be with Rosalie, and that he's unsure of his sexuality and who he really is

29. Sing "No Sleep Tonight" when Edward leaves to go watch Bella sleep

30. Call Alice a munchkin and offer her a lollipop for being such a cute little girl

31. Hum the Jaws theme song whenever Alice walks by

32. Start yelling the lyrics of Kelly's Txt Message Break Up at Edward randomly, while pretending like Edward really broke up with him and it's not a song

33. Tell the NSA that he overheard Carlisle make a threat on the President's life

34. Ask little girls in a creepy voice if they like puppies

35. Pretend to fall asleep in class...

36. And then pretend to be having a wet dream in which Jasper is the star...

37. Especially when Jasper is sitting in the desk next to his

38. Dye his hair blonde...

39. And then tell everyone blondes really do have more fun

40. Imagine Bella naked in Edward's presence just to annoy him

41. Paint mustaches on all of Carlisle's paintings of people

42. Replace all of Esme's cleaning supplies with paint

43. Start a Vampires Anonymous group...

44. And invite all the goth/emo kids at school to join

45. Sing "I'm Too Sexy"

46. Dance to "I'm Too Sexy"

47. Speak only in third person for days

48. Sob hysterically at lunch about how fat he is, and announce he's going on a diet

49. Write things such as "Prada is 4 prudes" and "Dolce & Gabbana is crap" all over Alice's school books

50. Tell Bella's friends that Bella and Edward are both into really kinky exhibitionist stuff, it's why they're so perfect for each other

"Well, that's everything for part two, I suppose." Alice said as she scanned the list.
"Not like it'll make much difference." Bella commented. She, Alice and Rosalie sat close together at the dining room table in the Cullen's house.

"Still, it makes Esme feel better to see the lists mounted in the living room. My husband. Honestly. He acts like he's seven not seventy." Rosalie replied as she put the finishing touches on her manicure.

Bella and Alice nodded in agreement.

The three stood, and headed into the living room. Alice took the list and taped it to the wall. The three girls stood back and looked at it.

"Well, what do you guys want to do now?" Bella asked.

Alice opened her mouth and was about to answer when Emmet came running through the front door with a large object wrapped in a blanket.

"Alice! Thank goodness you're here--I need to hide the nuclear warhead before the feds arrive!"

"Dear God." Bella said.

"YOU STOLE A NUCLEAR WARHEAD!?" Rosalie shrieked.

"I was improving it!" He defended.

Alice grabbed his arm and ran with him outside, presumably to show him a place where no one would find it. Bella and Rosalie stood in shocked silence for a minute before Bella sighed, turned to the list and scrawled at the bottom:

51. Steal nuclear warheads to improve them. Correction: he is not allowed to steal anything, including but not limited to government property, underwear, kitchen utensils and cheese wheels


52. Sing to Renesme Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne in front of Jacob....

53 .... In fact... he can NEVER sing Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne...

54. ... In fact, he's not even allowed to think about singing Girlfriend to Renesme, in front of Jacob or otherwise.

55. Is not allowed to kidnap Bella for revenge against Edward.

56. Has to remember to put clothes on, and keep them on, everyday.

57. Is not allowed to bring Edward to a strip club for his bachelor party...

58. OR bring strippers to dance on top of Edwards’s piano while he plays.

59. Take 'Which character from Twilight are you?' quizzes on quizilla.com then complain loudly that they described him all wrong.

60. Kidnap Nick Jonas then sell him on eBay.

61. Bedazzle the butt on all of Edward’s pants, saying, “Property of Emmett Cullen”

62. Emmett Cullen is not allowed to follow Mike Newton around...

63. ...And insist that he's in love with him.

64. Go to confession at church and tell the priest he did it with a couple of the nuns.

65. Rap, at all, EVER

66. Pelt his family members and Bella with flaming marshmallows

67. Strap a firework onto a cat then light it and stick it in Mike's closet.

68. Hide in the closet, then when his family is in the room, jump out and say in an extremely gay voice, "Hey everybody, I just came out of the closet!"

69. Ask Carlisle if he's met Dracula

70. Tell Bella that Edward didn’t want her to be a vampire because he was afraid that she would be better looking than him

71. Emmett shall not scare the freshman in high school by telling them stories about people that have gone crazy there

72. He shall also refrain from dressing up as a vampire (fangs and all) on Halloween and hiding in the corn maze

73. Emmett should not use this as a checklist

74. Tell Bella that she was adopted by Charlie and Renee and her real parents are aliens from Jupiter, thus why Edward isn't able to read her mind

75. Get a dog then attempt to turn it into a vampire dog demon


76. Lock Jasper in a room with 13 pregnant women

77. Have “The Talk” with Bella

78. Tell the counselors that his family is pressuring him to be with Rosalie and he is unsure of his sexual preferences…again.

79. Ask girls in creepy voices if they want candy

80. Take all the dresses from Alice’s closet and replace them with jumpsuits of every color

81. Persuade Edward to get a Facebook or Myspace, then tell all the Team Edward fangirls about it...

82. ... or the Team Jacob fans about it...

83. ... then supply them with necessary pitchforks and torches.

84. Give everyone in the family a theme song. Ex: All That Jazz from Chicago for Jasper's

85. Attempt to enter in the Boxman Dance contest...

86. ... or any other dance contest for that matter

87. Emmett Cullen should not post videos of the family when they hunt on youtube.

88. He should also refrain from creating a blogtv account

89. Get red contact lenses, then tell the family that he ate Charlie (Bella's dad)

90. Terrorize random old ladies on the street

91. Send Esme fake love letters from Mr. Banner (Bella's science teacher)

92. Start a babysitting service

93. Speak in an English accent while carrying around a cup of tea and repeat, "Pip pip, da doodley do" just to harass Carlisle

94. Become a professional ballet dancer

95. Emmett should not wear a pink t-shirt with Hello Kitty on it and a pair of hot red high heels

96. He should not wear a green tuxedo with a wand and a pair of wings, then go door to door saying he's Tinkerbell's brother-in-law

97. Replace Carlisle's doctor tools with garage tools

98. Sing "My Heart Will go on" by Celine Dion when Edward goes to watch Bella sleep

99. Wear a pink pearl colored dress and walk up to emo and goth kids during school, then shout in their face, "Polly Pocket Rules! Oh my good golly goshness, don't you just love her?!"

100. Tell Alice that he and Jasper are secretly dating

"Finally, we're finished with part three. I just really hope he follows these." Bella said as she got up from her chair and went to put the list next to the other two.

"That was sort of annoying when he kept bugging me about how Dracula was." Carlisle said, as he walked into the room. Everyone nodded in agreement. Just then there was a loud yell from the living room, and Emmett came bursting into the kitchen.

"I just had 38 bets on me on ebay!" He yelled. "This one old dude bet two thousand dollars!" Rosalie shook her head and turned back to the list, and added,

101. Emmett Cullen must not sell himself on Ebay for any reason, whatsoever

Next part!!!!

1. Emmett Cullen is not aloud to sing 'Hello, I Love You' by The Doors to Jasper or Edward on any occasion

2. Steal Charlie's gun, then threaten to shoot himself if Bella doesn't marry him

3. Break into Alice's closet, steal all her clothes, and tell her she really should have seen it coming. (thanks Hannah Brooks!)

4. Run up to Bella screaming, "Aliens are trying to invade my mind! Help!" and attempt to hide behind her. (Thanks Francesca Cafiso!)

5. Tell Jacob that it's a little chilly in the house and ask him to warm him up. (Thanks Rebecca Jonas!)

6. Eat nothing but goats for three weeks.

7. Attempt to get drunk…

8. … then pole dance in front of Alice and Bella.

9. Act like Renfield (from Dracula by Bram Stoker) for a week.

10. Act like Sailor Moon and start dressing like her...

11. ... then get a black cat, name it Luna, and paint a crescent on its forehead just so he can be like her

12. Learn to play the flute and beat box at the same time

13. Make a vampire tree army…

14. … then have it attack Jasper when he’s reading

15. Refuse to speak, and only pass notes

16. Speak only Chinese for a month…

17. … then switch to only Swedish

18. Get a tattoo of an oak tree…

19. … on his inner thigh…

20. … then worship the almighty oak

21. Have wild and crazy sex on Edwards piano with Rosalie... (Thanks Corinne Theresa Rommeney!)

22. ... or in/on the Volvo...

23. ... or on Edward's bed...

24. ... and DEFINETLY not on Edward

25. Find home videos of Bella when she was younger, and put them on all the screens in the movie theater

26. Attempt to ride a unicycle

27. Get in a helicopter dressed up like a monkey, then jump out and land jumping on a pogo-stick

28. Bite an elephant...

29. ...then join the circus with his vampire elephant pet

30. Start a band in China

31. Emmett should try to refrain from switching Edwards Volvo with a blue Prius

32. Join the army and say to Jasper that he would make a better soldier than him.

33. Grow a marijuana farm in Esme's garden...

34. ... then when they are fully grown, replant them in Mike Newtons front yard

35. Steal one of Alice's dresses, tear it up, then run out of the house wearing it, accusing Jasper of rape (thanks Rebecca Wittman!)

36. Go skinny dipping in the school water fountains…(thanks Michelle Meringer!)

37. ... then invite Jessica Stanley to join him in 'getting his swerve on'

38. Take off his clothes in gym class and sing "I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt"

39. Call Jasper a super hot , Badass Texan

40. Wear his hair in pigtails, put on lip gloss and go to an elementary school and jump rope with the little kids

41. Sing Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen every time Alice and Bella walks into the room

42. Dress up as Jessica Simpson for Halloween anymore

43. Throw ravenous chinchillas at people

44. Hide food (such as cookies and things) in Jaspers hair for safekeeping

45. Sell Alice to the zoo of freakishly small things (Thanks Michelle Meringer for numbers 38-45!)

46. Start an epic paintball war with his family members

47. Play keep away with Edward using his piano...

48. ... or his favorite book...

49. ... and definatly not Bella!

50. And Finally, Emmett Cullen is not allowed to get a vampire fang tattoo on his ass

"I think this should do it." Bella sighed.

"You've done a good job Bella," Edward replied. She smiled and leaned against his chest as Rosalie taped the newest list on the wall.

"You would've thought, that after 73 years my husband might be just a little more mature than this."
There were quiet murmurs of agreement. Suddenly, there was a loud crash coming from the living room. The Cullens ran to the other room, to see Emmett sitting on the floor with test tubes in front of him. His eyebrows were blackened and there was a hole in the ceiling.

"I'll get the broom..." Rosalie said. Bella just shook her head and turned to add another one to the list -

51. Emmett Cullen is not allowed to buy a chemistry set, then experiment trying to create a cure for cancer


1. Emmett Cullen is not allowed to make up inappropriate lyrics to Bella's lullaby (Thanks Grant Baumgartner!)

2. Sing the happy working song when Esme's cleaning the house (Thanks Rebecca Quek!)

3. Follow Rosalie everywhere, copying her every move (And i mean EVERY MOVE) for the whole day...

4. Make that Emmett isn’t allowed to follow anyone around copying there every move. (Thanks Mackenzie Elder!)

5. Climb the Empire State building and claim to be King Kong. (Thanks Monique Sterling!)

6. Hide in the cafeteria with a zip-lock bag of boiled eggs to throw at Jasper, claiming to be his army of "vampire hatchlings".... (Thanks Amanda J. Theall!)

7. Emmett must not travel to Paris in order to find the remains of Erik (the Phantom of the Opera)

8. Nor shall he proclaim to BE Erik

9. Be the Phantom of Forks

10. Create a world of Warcraft account, then "Pwn some n00bs"

11. Use a knife for anything...

12. Even a plastic one, or one of those baby ones that NEVER CUT ANYWAY!!!

13. Attempt to become Tamaki Suou (Ouran High School Host Club [OHSHC])

12. Dress up like Usa-chan (also from OHSHC)

13. Burn down the school. He -will- get caught/burned and therefore killed

14. Get Bella obsessed with bagels. Edward won't like it.

15. Get Bella obsessed with ANYTHING for that matter.
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Top Opinion

  • jesse barnes 2011/12/30 00:09:43
    jesse barnes
    How about this: Read the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books and cry to the Cullen family for a week that the pants aren't magic.

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