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5 Movies That Capture The Real Meaning Of Summer What is your favoriye movie out of these?

Kyle 2012/06/06 15:28:51
Sunshine
The Sandlot
Syriana
Zombieland
Waterworld
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A couple of months ago I came to you with five movies
that brought out the true spirit of Christmas. Half a year later it’s
time to examine the overrated-ness that is Summer: a mess of sweat, fake
tans, potbellies and excessive heat. Here’s the true story of summer:




mess sweat fake tans potbellies excessive heat true story summer

Debilitating Heat

Sunshine




Is there anything worse than the sun? It’s hot. It’s bright. It shows
up every freaking day whether you want it to or not. You can’t touch
it. Everyone mistakenly associates it with something completely and
unwaveringly positive. If my mom sings me to sleep one more time with
“You Are My Sunshine” I think I’ll puke.



Bringing me to Sunshine. It’s the future and the sun is finally
dying out. A select group of scientists and astronauts are out to set
the sun on fire again in order to save humanity. Reignite the sun? Are
these people insane? Sure I get the whole photosynthesis,
oxygen-needed-to-live mumbo jumbo. But if we’re smart enough to build a
rocket ship to actually get to the sun, I’m confident we could
find some other solution to saving mankind. I guarantee no character
from this movie ever got in their car on a 97 degree day and mistakenly
rested a forearm on the black part of the driver’s side window. That’s
third degree burn territory. Plus the seat’s always scorching.
Reignite the sun? On purpose? No thanks. I sweat enough already.




window degree burn territory seats scorching reignite sun purpose sweat

Hordes of Kids Running Amok

The Sandlot




I like to drive real fast in my neighborhood. Sure its a quiet
residential ‘burb with a certain code of neighborly ethics. But I have a
Dodge Charger SRT8 and I want to open ‘er up once in awhile.
Unfortunately, in the summer everyone gets cranky because kids are out
and about in the streets. Without school to keep them busy (or at least
indoors and away from me) they’re always popping up out of nowhere. And
God freaking forbid I were to smack into one and screw up my custom
grill.



And what better representation of annoying, screaming, rudderless, little urchins than The Sandlot?
Half of the dialogue in this flick is varying versions of a
prepubescent “AAAAHHHHHH!!!” These little shits just run around
anywhere they want screaming and getting their grubby sweaty kiddy paws
all over everything. It’s the worst. You might think The Sandlot
embodies what it means to be carefree and young again, operating in a
world devoid of responsibility? Wrong. It’s just a long infomercial
for mandatory summer school.




young operating world devoid responsibility wrong infomercial mandatory summer school

Exorbitant Gas Prices

Syriana



It’s no secret the Hess station around the corner from my crib likes to
jack its prices sky high right after Memorial Day. They’re just
following the oil industry standard, openly raping us during the summer
months because if we don’t pump the AC and head down the Shore every
single weekend in July and August the world will just stop spinning on
its axis or something. Summer is the time to travel and “get away”. The
fellows over at OPEC know it.



Just consider Syriana. George Clooney got his freaking
fingernails ripped off defending our God given rights as American
citizens to hop in our 14 miles per gallon roadsters and sit in traffic
for hours on end. Or at least I think that’s what he was doing. I’m
not really sure. This movie was really long and boring and difficult to
follow. Plus I watched it during the summer when my brain goes on a
mini hiatus. It’s just too god damn hot to think.



boring difficult watched summer brain mini hiatus god damn hot

”Unfortunate” Looking People Out in Droves

Zombieland



The summer brings out the ugly in people. Actually, let me rephrase:
The summer brings out the ugly people. Gone are the winter months when
the hideous masses (i.e. the American public) hunker down indoors in
front of the warm, glowing hearth of their big screen plasma
televisions. Once June hits, the ugly is on full display as these
people begin wandering outside, zombie-style, into the fresh air. Think
I’m over-exaggerating? Saunter on down to your nearest theme park,
county fair, public beach, or anything that attracts the “local flavor”.
You’ll see what I mean.



Now not any zombie apocalypse movie would work here. For instance in 28 Days Later the afflicted are much too fast and motivated. Zombieland
on the other hand is perfect. The zombies are slow, dim-witted, and
horrible looking, but just humanly American enough to make it not too
much of a stretch for our purposes. And which of us good looking
people, present company included, wouldn’t want to channel a little
inner Columbus or Tallahassee and systematically lay waste to the
grotesque section of our society? Hell they even do damage at a Great
Adventure-like theme park! Those places are breeding grounds for summer
ugly.



grotesque society damage adventure-like theme park places breeding grounds summer

The Ocean as an Overrated Vacation Destination

Waterworld



I’m not really sure when this happened. I’m guessing sometime around
the turn of the 20th century, but at some point ocean beaches became a
popular destination for vacationing. Which makes very, very little
sense. Consider if someone said to you, “We are going to spend the
whole day out in the blazing hot sun. You’ll have to smear your body
with a protective coating of slime so you don’t get burned. Be careful
where you get in the water because there’s this thing called a rip tide
that’ll kill you. And if it doesn’t then there’s the jellyfish, sharks,
body surfers and abnormally hairy dudes to worry about. Oh, if you’re
bored you can dig a hole in the sand with your hands. And finally, when
we leave, tiny sand particles will inhabit nooks and crannies on your
person you never even knew about.” Would you go with them? I think
not.



Love the ocean so much? You’re like my wife and just Davy Jones-ing for
that salt water? Well Kevin Costner and company are here to show in
vivid, post-apocalyptic detail what the ocean is really all about.
Smoker planes flying over every two seconds with a never ending
onslaught of filth. Douchebag jet skiers trying to kill everyone in
sight. Bros like Costner taking themselves too seriously. Psychotic
mad men just trying to get their hand on some primo beach like its life
or death. Only man made shade. And water? Better bring your own.
Actually, Waterworld is spot freaking on. It’s an encapsulation
of every single one of my trips to the Jersey Shore. Coincidentally
I’ll be down in LBI for Labor Day. Can’t wait. See you there and enjoy
your summer!
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2014/07/24 13:09:12

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