Question Business

Nessie?

TheJokerFan101! November 04, 2009 01:43:34

I drove following the directions I followed in my vision. When I reached a square like house I was freaked. I got out and walked inside. I heard "Stop yelling!" Someone said. I walked into a door. My family was all tapped across the wall. "Nessie you have to leave."Carlise whispered. "Yea right who did this to you?"I whispered." James."They all said. I saw a button. I ran over to but I relized lazer beems. I touched one. They all light up.

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  • Dena~In God I trust. November 04, 2009 16:18:54
    Dena~In God I trust.
    ok I have to ask. How did James come back from the dead?
  • mistiblu November 04, 2009 10:16:02
    mistiblu
  • Edward's#1Fan November 04, 2009 03:10:43
    Edward's#1Fan
    more please.
  • Smashing Pumpkins #1 Fan November 04, 2009 02:05:46
    Smashing Pumpkins #1 Fan
    From reading other comments I'm expecting this is a story you made. You should show a little less dialouge and more action of what people are doing. Their facial expressions, their movements while being "tapped." If you just say, "Yeah right", that would mean you thought this was some kind of joke. That's kind of something your implying. You saw it in a vision, did you? Or did something tell you to go there? And I can't understand it too well. Really. Nice effort though, I'm not joking.

    1.5/5

    Consider Revising, add some details on what's taking place during the time, make it feel like the reader is reading something that's absolutley making them stunned (Make it exciting ... no offense but that was dull)

    And if your not expecting my opinion on that, edits, then my bad. I'm not trying to be rude or anything.
  • i love my boyfriend November 04, 2009 01:45:17
    i love my boyfriend
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