Nessie

Question Business

Nessie?

by TheJokerFan101! Posted November 04, 2009 01:43:34

5 answers
Read all 28 comments
+1 / -1 raves

I drove following the directions I followed in my vision. When I reached a square like house I was freaked. I got out and walked inside. I heard "Stop yelling!" Someone said. I walked into a door. My family was all tapped across the wall. "Nessie you have to leave."Carlise whispered. "Yea right who did this to you?"I whispered." James."They all said. I saw a button. I ran over to but I relized lazer beems. I touched one. They all light up.

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Answers

Dena~In God I trust. November 04, 2009 16:18:54

ok I have to ask. How did James come back from the dead?
TheJoke... to Dena~In... November 04, 2009 20:34:43

Different James
Dena~In... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 20:36:29

Oh ok. hoe do you like the club? We were so wrong when we thought we would be the only two members.
TheJoke... to Dena~In... November 04, 2009 20:40:04

I love it! I kno I thought that to
Dena~In... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 20:41:24

it was so you can write your stories and not get yelled at.
TheJoke... to Dena~In... November 04, 2009 20:43:48

Yea I'm going to wright there
Dena~In... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 20:44:49

im glad. and i should set it to where they cant answer unless they are in the club.
TheJoke... to Dena~In... November 04, 2009 20:56:09

YEA
+1 raves
mistiblu November 04, 2009 10:16:02
Edward's#1Fan November 04, 2009 03:10:43

more please.
+1 raves
Smashing Pumpkins #1 Fan November 04, 2009 02:05:46

From reading other comments I'm expecting this is a story you made. You should show a little less dialouge and more action of what people are doing. Their facial expressions, their movements while being "tapped." If you just say, "Yeah right", that would mean you thought this was some kind of joke. That's kind of something your implying. You saw it in a vision, did you? Or did something tell you to go there? And I can't understand it too well. Really. Nice effort though, I'm not joking.

1.5/5

Consider Revising, add some details on what's taking place during the time, make it feel like the reader is reading something that's absolutley making them stunned (Make it exciting ... no offense but that was dull)

And if your not expecting my opinion on that, edits, then my bad. I'm not trying to be rude or anything.
TheJoke... to Smashin... November 04, 2009 02:10:11

No ur the best comment I ever had. Yea I understand what your points is. Oh by the I love the Smashing Pumkins
i love my boyfriend November 04, 2009 01:45:17

?
TheJoke... to i love ... November 04, 2009 01:46:09

What do u mean?
+1 raves
i love ... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 01:48:24

didn't James die.. in the first book..
TheJoke... to i love ... November 04, 2009 01:49:18

I kno it's another James
+1 raves
i love ... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 01:50:14

oh.. ok
TheJoke... to i love ... November 04, 2009 01:53:02

Yea and if u your so nice on these stories then y do u tell people they r right when they say I'm spamming?
+1 raves
i love ... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 01:54:47

no one said im being nice right now
+1 raves
TheJoke... to i love ... November 04, 2009 01:56:59

And no one said that I couldnt wright stories [...]
+1 raves
i love ... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 02:01:39

people tell you every day you cant write lol well your a nice person, i think I'm going to choose to live thank you very much no one said i couldn't live lmao..
TheJoke... to i love ... November 04, 2009 02:03:48

[...]
Smashin... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 02:07:31

Wow. Maybe you are a better writer than I think. Maybe people just tell you that[...]
TheJoke... to Smashin... November 04, 2009 02:10:42

What?
i love ... to TheJoke... November 04, 2009 02:09:32

no fucking way?!? im not you im smarter then that
Smashin... to i love ... November 04, 2009 02:07:57

Good Idea.
i love ... to Smashin... November 04, 2009 02:08:54

mhmm
TheJoke... to Smashin... November 04, 2009 02:10:32

What?